Monday, June 29, 2009

Anticipation vs Compulsion

This is a continuation of a series of article expounding upon the differences between using masculine directive in finding long-term relationships vs short term flings. If you've read any of my recent posts, then you know that I am exposing how the community teachings are detrimental to the effectiveness of your communication because they encourage you to stay in this unfortunately ambiguous gray-area. Success comes from being clear in you intent, polarizing your approach, and congruently sticking to a pre-decided path.

Early Saturday, I chatted with this an incredible girl that I met Thursday and deemed solid LTR potential. We had a lighthearted chat about pets, and the size of her apartment and bed. These things are important with someone I want to see long term. She has no roommates and lives in a studio that sounds a lot like my own. She has a full bed, which means she'll be spending more time over here than I will at her place. (Guys, the absolute best investment you can make to your pleasure pad is a king size bed.) She's a dog chick, which I think is great because we all know femi-narcissistic cat chicks are crazy. (More on this later.)

Anyway, she gives me this great frame, one that if you ever encountered in STR pursuit you would have to handle in a completely different way than LTR pursuit. (The short answer is that you encourage competition with her friends with STR, and cooperation with LTR.) She says:

"I think you might be interested in my friend, J. I can set you up with her if you like."

I thought for a second. "What gives you that impression?"

"You seemed to really be into her. I thought maybe you just started talking to me to get to her. That's fine with me."

Most guys would lose this incredible girl right here by saying something ambivalent, or by trying to be cocky and funny, or by trying to be anything. I said something to this effect:

"Are you out of your mind? I started talking to you because I want to get to know you. Is this going to be an esteem issue? If there is some reason why you don't feel worthy? I want you to tell me now. I chose you. You can accept that and we can have an amazing adventure or I can move on."

Test passed. I had to meet a client for lunch and I said, "I want to talk to you again -- today -- wait by the phone." This is a playful directive, not to be confused with a brute demand. The point is, it was none of this "call me later" BS.

So I had this ridiculously long meeting with this student that wanted to ask me a million questions. The thing is, I had already been up way over 24 hours, and this meeting was preventing me from getting some sleep. I was also thinking about going to a rave that night as well. By the time this guy left at 6pm, I had to crash. I decided I would send out an invite first.

Let me try to convey this. If someone sets plans with you and then cancels, that person does not lose attractiveness. Oftentimes, interest goes up. However, if this person will not commit to plans, it is obvious that the enthusiasm is low, and the attraction diminishes. So, I wanted to get that invite out, even though it looked like my sleep was going to take priority. I make the invite to gauge her interest and enthusiasm. And if I have to cancel, I know from experience, that I am not losing her attraction, respect, or desire to get to know me.

Now, she has an interesting situation. She's dropped her iphone and the keypad doesn't work, so she can receive texts, but cannot write and send them. I like this, and I texted to tell her:

"I am going to send you sexy texts to make your temperature rise and your whole body blush. And you can't do anything about it... :P"

She didn't call and I'm getting massively tired. So I send the invite:

"Cancel your plans - grab the movie Twilight and some wine and come hang out. If you've already seen that, then you can bring a different movie."

Notice that I am not asking questions like 'Do you have plans, want to hang out?' Lame. Making statements is a decidedly masculine form of communication. This is an invitation by directive.

Then I fall asleep. I wake up 2 hours later when she calls (I had also missed another call from her). She asks what I am doing. I told her that I fell asleep and was sorry to have missed her call. She asks what I am doing tonight. I find this to be a silly question. Did you not read my text? She says she did and relays the details. "Well, that's what I'm doing tonight." I playfully tell her to get over here. Before her call, I was still on a fine-line between cancelling and going back to sleep, but her interest won me over. I was quickly up and ready. Enthusiasm is contagious. She says that horror movies give her nightmares. I tell her that I really don't think this is a horror flick, and besides I will hold her close and prevent any nightmares. She asks what kind of wine I like. It's on.

She takes an hour to come over, which was more time than I needed to clean up. Interest is sky high. If you haven't heard me say it before -- personal interest / enthusiasm is the number one standard you should be screening for in a partner. We kiss almost immediately. The sexual tension is electric.

I thank her amply for the wine and stopping to get the movie. It is a sweet gesture. I've already got my old laptop to set up to watch the movie in bed. I put the disc in and it doesn't work. I move my new laptop over and it still doesn't work. I pull the DVD out to look at it, and it's a damn Blu-Ray. Haha. We share a laugh and I'm careful not to seem critical about this. Simple mistake. Let's find a workaround. I call my friend and neighbor to see if he can bring his laptop over that plays these things. He does. We finally get it set up, and we're cuddling and playing with sexual tension. (Remember that foreplay begins on the approach.) We get like 15 minutes in and the damn computer crashes. We restart it and set it up again, and it crashes again. We decide that the universe just does not want us to see this movie.

So, instead we make love. Penetrative sex is not even critical to what I'm talking about. Before that, we spent about four hours talking about deeply connective issues, pillow fighting, tickle fighting, and lots of slow sexual exploration. It was very playful, erotic, and full of compassionate contact.

And this brings us to our lesson:

Path 1 (Committed LTR) = Building Anticipation

Path 2 (Casual STR) = Acting on Compulsion / Impulse

With Path #1, every aspect of communication is sexualized. The way you look at each other, the way you touch, and the manner in which you ask and answer questions. We're flirting, building sexual tension, and allowing each other to anticipate the culmination of our shared desire.

My maxim here is, "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."

With Path #2, the sexual tension, by necessity, is built so rapidly that the culmination of your shared desires becomes undeniable. It's about living in the moment, giving in to body sensations, and acting on impulse. Here, you don't often have time to play with building anticipation: Logistics get in the way, opportunities are fleeting, and inhibiting factors can kick in.

Path #1 is about delayed gratification and Path #2 is about instant gratification.

It's the difference between a slow-cooked meal and drive-thru fast food. It's the difference between a road trip and a direct airplane flight. It's the difference between a warm bath and a hot shower.



It is now Wednesday, and I have not heard from this girl since the night we shared (though I told her to call when she got home safely and she did). I have sent some sensual texts (about the beauty of our connection) and some working together / teaching text (since that is something else we talked about), and I have also called. My correspondences are not being returned.

I know that she is busy as a waitress and an aesthetician. We had the 'money' talk and it is clear that she is looking to relax while a man strives to 'provide' for her. From this perspective, it makes sense that showing a little interest like buying some wine or having wild sex, is just to set the hook. But she also knows that this is not in my current ability. Is she possibly a shameless golddigger and has moved on already? Haha, I doubt it. :-P

I do believe she is busy. In addition to two jobs, she is preparing to fly home for a few days over the holiday. But too busy to take one minute and return a phone call?

I am willing to walk away, but I would really like for her to stick around. Our connection is ripe with potential. And I hate that this could be just another one night stand, especially since my perspective has changed so much since I used to pursue sex as a purely physical conquest.

If she is going her own way for her own reasons, I just want to know why....

Friday, June 26, 2009

Accountability vs Anonymity

I never would have thought that a 2 Live Crew show would provide an opportunity to meet LTR potential!

Actually earlier in the night, I had started to complain to my friend that I didn't think that it was going to be possible for me to meet my dream girl in the downtown nightlife scene. Sometime the scene just seems so ridiculously low-value to me.

He says, "You WILL meet her here, and you will know her because she will be saying the same thing."

Aha! A bit of a premonition there, because I ended up meeting a great girl. In fact, I know she's great because she's interested in me! It always seems that fate has good taste.

But, is she 'the one?'

That will be determined soon. I just wanted to say how this LTR path seems so liberating for me. To speak of love, passion, and long term intimacy. The exact things that I used to avoid talking about at all costs (marriage, children, 'the future') are the exact things that I talked about with her. It felt so free and natural.

I used to be excited to make out with a girl within minutes of meeting her, now I'm excited to be talking about commitment within minutes of meeting her! Crazy!

I don't want to get too excited, but I feel like I can't go wrong by just stating the obvious. She has an unpretentious beauty like Hera. She can cook (so she says), eats meat, is a non smoker, has no kids already, is modest, is a great kisser, and is interested in tantric sex. And she convinced me that she doesn't go downtown every fucking week. And she's single. And I already mentioned she has no trouble conveying interest in me.

Contrast that with the One Night Stand girls you try to meet. Haha! None of the above matters. Not even the fact that she's single.

If you were to ask a guy to list the qualities he looks for in an Long Tern Relationship and the qualities he'd like in a One Night Stand, he's going to give you two very different lists. This is why I stress that the 2 paths are so inherently unique. The very context of attraction is polarized. The 'game' requires an understanding of polar opposite forces.

So here is your lesson for today:

Path 1 (Committed LTR) = social accountability
Path 2 (Casual STR) = social anonymity

Path 1 requires social accountability like getting approval from her social circle. Of equal importance, is that she has to connect with yours. The whole point of 'social proof' is to gain trust and respect as long term potential through her seeing the trust and respect you've generated with others.

Path 2 requires (if you really want to be successfully promiscuous) a high degree of social anonymity. You have to keep yourself out of her social circle and make yourself an attractive option in the NOW. By token, you don't want to give her the impression that you are inviting her into your social circle either. Anonymity - the sense that neither of you have to answer to anyone or account for anyone else's opinions - is what will permit quick arousal and escalation.

Trust and respect have a different context on Path 2. Trust comes down to assuring her physical safety. Respect comes down to being non-judgemental. Social accountability becomes a liability.

If you want to master Path 2, you have to play into themes of discretion, living in the moment, having juicy secrets, temptation, suspense, body sensations, fantasy, adventure, taking risks, being unguarded, doing what feels right, and answering only to yourself. These are not nearly as important on Path 1.

This is why I tell guys that if you really want to be successfully promiscuous you have to get used to going out alone. Maximum anonymity.

Now, consider that everything you do and say labels you as either a guy on Path 1, or a guy on Path 2.

Community guys convince themselves that they are on Path 2 and then do all kinds of unproductive LTR-related things that detract from the possibility of having no strings-attached casual sex. Why?

Because they don't know any better. The community teaches a lot of middle-of the-road bullshit in order to cast a wide net over an array of men eager to bend over backwards to please women.

Basically guys end up playing that ambiguous fence. You think that this gives you options: "Well if I can't get her tonight then I'll get her number and try to hook up next time."

There's the flaw. By trying to play both, you are effective at neither.

If she isn't down to fuck you that night, what makes you think she's going to fuck you some other time?

Well, the short answer is because she's already considering you as long-term potential. You probably have never thought about this. Even if you have, I bet you think it's great, because now you think you have options and can influence the outcome.

Once again, this is mediocre (and possibly manipulative) thinking. This is not owning your intentions, stating what you want, and living with a driving purpose. This is not seeking mastery through making conscious choices.

So, as an example, she's considering you as relationship material. You're just trying not to mess up long enough to make it to the bedroom. You fuck on the third date. I am not going to assume to know what either of you are thinking, but only point out that this single act of physical connection has different meanings for each of you. Expectations were not aligned.

This can lead to further discrepancy, ambivalence, regret, 'buyer's remorse,' and worse.

This is why even guys genuine in our intention have to deal with enormous trust issues relating to how women have been hurt (often accidentally) by men in the past.

Usually this unintentional manipulation comes from a lack of awareness, clarity, or sensitivity. As I've described, this is a result of doing things that you don't even realize are incongruous with your intention.

Pick a path. Move along that path declaring deliberate intentions. Make conscious actions that are aligned with that path.


Oh, and I texted this girl as soon as I got home. Then she calls me back. Nice. She tells me that she enjoyed our conversation and she has Saturday free.

I tell her that I haven't thought that far ahead but I fully intend to sweep her off her feet. I have a really good intuition about this one.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Choice of Paris

Zeus prepared a grand banquet for the wedding of Peleus (a great war hero) and Thetis (a beautiful sea nymph).

All the goddesses were invited to the ceremony except Eris (the goddess of strife and discord). Nobody wanted that warpig troublemaker there. Spurned with contempt, Eris showed up anyway and tossed a Golden Apple toward Zeus. Inscribed on this Golden Apple are the words, "for the most beautiful."

Three goddesses step forward claiming to be the most beautiful, and thus the rightful owner of the Apple: Hera (the goddess of childbirth and marriage), Athena (the goddess of wisdom and warfare), and Aphrodite (the goddess of love and beauty).

Zeus (notorious player and master of harem management) knew better than to play favorites with his lovely goddesses, so he selected a mere 'nice guy' mortal named Paris to chose the most beautiful.

Immediately, the goddesses began their seductive bribes.

Hera was kinda the 'goddess next door.' Her beauty was uncomplicated and she emanated caring and warmth. She promised to make Paris a king over a vast dominion!

Athena, objectively the least physically attractive, was nonetheless striking by her authority and presence. She promised Paris unsurpassed knowledge and strategy, the wisdom and ability of a great warrior!

Then Aphrodite, a dazzling incarnation of desire, sashayed her way right up to Paris and confidently looked him in the eye conveying pleasure and danger. With her mesmerizing exotic voice, she offered Paris one thing: a single night with The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

Of course she wasn't talking about herself, for she was a goddess. But everyone knew the most beautiful mortal in the world was Helen of Sparta, who was the wife of King Menelaus.

As if he needed any more convincing, Aphrodite pushed her cleavage together and blew Paris a kiss. So forgoing great prowess and power, the hapless Paris chose Aphrodite to receive the Golden Apple of Discord.

The choice Paris made was based on nothing but unreasoned and unrestrained sexual craving. His wish for a single night of lust and delight doomed his entire city. If you know anything about Greek mythology, then you know this decision led to the capture of Helen from King Menelaus which led to the Trojan War and the destruction of Troy.

The moral of the story?

When we chose one thing, it is a significant act. When we pick one goddess, we accept that we may leave the others angry with us. When we delay deciding, we anger them all.

When we pick a path, a life purpose, a mate, we agree to face the challenges of that decision head on. The challenges here mean not only the difficulties you face as consequences of your choice, but also the potentially painful awareness of the paths not taken.

Your decision marks that path - that god or goddess - as elevated above all others.

You control the outcome. Choose mindfully. Choose consciously. Choose wisely.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Truth About Qualification

The fundamental flaw of the seduction community is that it's all about pleasing women.

In this regard, your mentality is the same as it was when you were a 'nice guy' or AFC (Average Frustrated Chump). Back then, you really wanted to please women. You wanted their attention and approval. You admitted that you didn't understand women.

Then, you found the community. Here, you may have learned some frames and attitudes to help you 'understand' them, and you may have learned some clever tactics to get their attention, but your desire to please women was never challenged or changed.

There is very little difference between an AFC and a PUA. They both aim to please. They both are addicted to the attention and approval of women. You may say that the AFC is out to please by becoming 'boyfriend material,' and the PUA is out to please by merely becoming 'sex worthy,' but even that is suspect.

A PUA is just an AFC who's sexualized his aim to please women.

Since I've put myself on a conscious path to find 'the one' it seems I am having daily bouts of insight. I got over my obsessive promiscuity real quick when I realized it was nothing more than a compulsory desire to please women.

The community never questions this: Learn how to pick up chicks. Learn how to attract beautiful women. Learn how to increase value. Learn how to create chemistry. Learn how to pass her tests. Learn how to arouse desire. Learn how to chase, pursue, and please.

Let's take the concept of qualification. Look at this statement:

"Understanding qualification is absolutely crucial not only for successfully getting a woman, but also for getting better with women in general."

Do you see the problem with this? Do you see the insidious undercurrent that everything about the community reinforces the assumption that you need to please women?

This is just one small example.

Qualification is not to tactic. It is not something you use to convince her that you are a 'sexual selector' so she'll decide to let you please her.

Qualification is not a way for you to boost her level of interest.

Qualification is how you screen women, for real. It is how you weed out the ones you don't want in your life because you have standards.

Yes, you are allowed to have standards. And not because it makes you more attractive to women, but because it makes you a MAN.

Let me rewrite the above statement:

"Understanding qualification is absolutely crucial to pleasing yourself."

Pleasing women is no measure of success. You can brag about how many chicks you've 'scored,' but this is just an an appeal to vanity -- your excessive belief about your own attractiveness, prowess, or ability to please others.

Here's a question for you:

Was she really into you or was she just bored and horny?

Now, if you have Polarized Your 'Game' and you are on Path #2, I say go for it as long as the expectations are clear and mutual.

If you are on Path #1, qualification is critical. The measure of success here is the degree to which a woman matches your standards.

I'm going to write more on standards and expectations, but for now, I will tell you the #1 thing I screen for because it encompasses all of the other standards (like the 4 Pillars of L.O.V.E.) when looking for longevity and continuity in a relationship.

And that factor is called.... INTEREST.

This is how I see it: "I am only interested in a woman interested in me."

Further: "To show interest, her standards will sync with my own."

I did not say, 'effortlessly,' as successful relationships require deliberate effort. The point is that she understands my standards, and our expectations are effectively mutual.

Notice that my perspective is not to create interest, for I am only looking for women that are interested in me from the start. We strive to find out if we share ideas and are on the same page as far as commitment and life purpose.

If a woman is not interested in me, then I am not interested in her. I am not concerned with the one that got away. Nor am I concerned with sex. If our expectations aren't aligned, I will dump her long before sex.

In the results-obsessed seduction community, success equals having women. Failure equals being single.

In the Savage system, success equals being committed to an interested women. Failure equals being committed to UNinterested women.

After all, being in an unsatisfying marriage is FAR WORSE than being single.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Siren Island: Nice Place to Visit, But...

Siren Island is a small fertile island in the Pacific. The island is covered with lush vegetation and many fruit bearing trees that mask it's volcanic origin. Despite its small size, it is inhabited by a large number of lively women. In fact, it is the only man-free island in US possession, and as such its actual location is rarely revealed to a man. Though, if you have the fortitude and fearlessness to find it, you will actually be welcomed for a visit.

To visit Siren Island, you must merely be courageous enough to find it, and curious enough to enter. It is similar to a woman visiting Savage Island or really any island in the Powerfully Ultimate Archipelago. She is welcomed as a great curiosity.

As a man, you're presence will be admitted. But understand that it will upset the delicate feminine harmony. Does this mean you should carefully tiptoe around ensuring that you don't offend anyone? Of course not. Where's the masculinity in that? How can this group of women trust you if you are censoring your perspective?

In short, you are self monitoring and 'outcome dependent.' As they say on Ile du Amorata: "Stop trying to make other people comfortable."

One day I visited Siren Island. I brought along my wit, my charm, and my opinions. Understand that my opinions have been saturated by a lot of conscious experience. This makes them particularly potent, as you shall see.

During my visit I was allowed to participate in the most revered custom of Siren Island. In this ritual, the queen brings forth a story as an offering to the populace. Within this story is contained a timeless question of great importance and the queen's sagely wisdom.

The gathered women then descend upon the story and begin the ceremonial practice of dissecting it. As the story, and the question, and the wisdom are all broken down and examined, more stories arise, more questions are created, and more wisdom is shared. The breakdown and subsequent scrutiny can continue for days.

So the queen put forth her story and I was intrigued by the question and her wisdom.

The question was essentially: If an ex lover attempts to come back into your life, what should you do?

The queen's wisdom:

"I’m just going to say this straight out, because we’ve talked before and I know I can be tough with you — DUMP HIM. Stop talking to him. You don’t need another friend, especially not a MALE friend..."


"If you’re hurt over a man, you’re not over him. I don’t care how long ago it was. And talking to him again will only re-open the wound."


"Letting him worm his way back into your waking life puts HIM in YOUR driver’s seat. And if you try hard to turn that around, you’ll just dig yourself in deeper."

Nice. It seems the queen has arrived at the same wisdom that I have. As a savage, I was eager to join in the ritualistic dissection. Perhaps a little too eager considering I was an outsider. My first input:

I like the advice to dump him, but [even telling him that you don't want to communicate] seems to be invitation for him to step up and claim/ mark you even more.

He could respond; “Well, actually I am hoping to be more than friends.”

Now you'd be even more confused and distraught.

Every little piece of communication is an investment. Even a simple text can contribute to attachment.

Guys know this. As long as you’re responding in some way, he thinks it’s on.

That’s why I say you just have to outright ignore his communication attempts. It’s the most powerful message you can send.

My presence was felt. The harmony disrupted.

Siren L: I LOVE this post and subsequently the remarks from Jason.

(That is me. I'm using a triple alias so no one knows that I'm really named Jason.)

Siren L: Jason says that responding is like a challenge. That is interesting food for thought.

Siren L: Oh… I forgot this… if I told them I was not interested in being 'friends' and they responded with… I am actually interested in being more than that… my response would be….. PROVE IT actions speak louder than words!

Then Outspoken Opinionated Princess steps in:

Yeah, but personally for me, NOTHING is more empowering than getting to the point where I actually want the guy back in my life as a friend AND it’s not controlling me. He’s back in my life AND I am already cultivating relationships with other men. For me, that is way more empowering than ignoring him. Cuz if I’m ignoring him, I’m still thinking about him. I still feel 'captive.'

I think... to vent this energy. I would use a combination of [the Queen's] tools, Emotional Freedom Technique, Reiki, and maybe start a blog or a journal. Something to vent it all so that it’s all GONE. And non-violent communication to turn the anger and hurt into communications that are about herself, rather than playing 'victim' to the guy and whatever he did...

Ignoring someone is not playing 'victim' - You are being your higher self by moving on. My reply:

This is assuming a lot of work to get it GONE. Savage to think about, but you could do one simple symbolic ritual to cut the heart-strings from this man.

Out of sight, out of mind, out of heart.

Now there’s room for the one who’s going to really rock your world to come on in.

But the OOP has a quick comeback:

Yeah, Jason, but what I’m saying is that sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.

And I find for me personally it’s just better and easier to think of all men as open possibilities but know very firmly that I’m holding out for the man on my doorstep with an engagement ring and an offer I can’t refuse.

My reply:

I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.

What you advocate is not resolve. It is not empowering. You are too afraid to bring things to an end. Too afraid to make a firm decision. Too afraid to dispel an energy that isn’t serving you.

Convince yourself that having him around as a friend is somehow serving you and you are limiting the ability of your holy relationship to penetrate you to your core. Disempowering.

Your attention and energy is too spread out. When your dream man steps up to your doorstep (not doormat) to claim you, you better be PRESENT.

I think it comes down to this:

A fear of abandonment is what creates this addictive sense of attachment. The worst possible outcome would be to be ignored. The greatest punishment would be abandonment. As long as he’s in my life — no matter the ridicule, humiliation, or abuse — at least I know I’m not being ignored.

Let it go.

What part of “DUMP HIM” don’t you understand?

Oh, damn. There's those experience-soaked opinions revealing themselves.

Siren D: That’s great and all… dealing with in my case a HUGE fear of abandonment that has me have difficulties with saying Goodbye...

I knew I had pushed some buttons. I hadn't meant to. OPP and Siren D fire a few more. I wanted the queen to step in. After all, we were in agreement, right?

I say:

I eagerly await [The Queen's] response...

Meanwhile, I have to do some work to provide for my family’s future….

…time and attention spent productively getting to that actual real-world doorstep…

…rather than maintaining attachment with exes who would be better served in their own lives by deliberately disregarding my friendship, no matter how much fondness and affection they feel toward me…

Now I'm remembering that sirens hate sarcasm... and logic.... and facts.

The queen does not step in. Now OOP thinks I know something personal:

Jason, I also feel mildly annoyed at the tone of the post, because what I hear is an implication that I and my male friends do not know how to find mutually beneficial ways of having our relationships.

I decide to ignore OOP, for now. I sit back and observe. I know, I'll give them some hypothetical questions:

This is a great discussion.

Here’s a useful perspective for everyone:

Consider that this guy who is sending you these communication ‘arrows’ — no matter how nice and friendly — is also sending them simultaneously to many women, to many ex lovers. (Trust me, he is.)

Consider that this guy is also in a committed long-term relationship while he is investing his time and attention maintaining ‘friendships’ with you and these other ex lovers. (Trust me, he probably is.)

Now, change the viewpoint, and consider that you are *that woman* and your committed long-term life partner, your man, is investing his precious time and energy in maintaining ‘harmless’ connections with ex lovers that are clearly not over him. For whatever reason he feels to need to continue pulling on these girls’ heart-strings.

How do you feel?

You can rationalize that the attention and affection that he is giving all these other women, to keep them invested and attached in some way, has no affect on you and your relationship.

But does it really?

That is time, energy, and effort that could be invested in the shared relationship that the two of you have. After all, he claimed you, you have a bond, a commitment, and an obligation to put each other first above all else and everybody else.

As a [Siren], how does this make you feel?

Do you really feel empowered knowing that he adores his past lovers and can’t let them go?
Are you encouraging him to feel more masculine by maintaining attachment to past lovers?
How does the openness, fondness, and affection that he shows his past lovers benefit you?

Makes sense to me. But sirens hate making sense... and 'considering'... and thinking...

The queen knows these thing, and has this to say:

This is great - okay - I’m going to let Jason be a man here, get opinionated and give advice…and I’m so glad it’s triggering you here…great practice! Jason - to me most of what you’re saying feels personal to you, and not judgmental - (I appreciate your looking over a comment before posting and making sure it’s not judgmental, because you are very, very helpful, and don’t want what you say to be disregarded because of “tone…”)

That said…I disagree with your advice to Daria in this way…imagining the “whole” is very nice. I like the concept, it feels meaningful, conscious…all that…but at bottom, it becomes way to “in your head.”

Remember, though you are sensitive, you are a man. You are most essentially in thought. What seems to you to be “logical,” and a logical and helpful process of thinking something through, on a woman doesn’t feel right. A woman has to be way more present in her OWN body, and believe me - all that you say has gone through Daria’s mind and all our minds…and all that really, actually does is mire us deeper in the quicksand.

This is a great topic in itself. Your masculine energy here is in very stark contrast to the feminine energy. See if you can notice the way it works. See how we instinctively rise up in some way with masculine energy of our own and start putting up defenses and respond with anger? It’s sort of a “Don’t tell me what to feel” thing - and it’s very similar to your male response of “Don’t tell me what to do…”

I sit back and notice that many of the sirens are relating, despite my masculine logic. The queen recommends the personal over the judgemental, so I respond:

I would like to point out another key distinction.

“True empowerment is neutrality…” --OOP

To me, true empowerment is equality.

“Equality is the antithesis of entitlement. Equality means that neither man nor woman is treated better or regarded more highly than the other, period. With equality, neither partner has rights or privileges superior to those of the other.” -- Marc Rudov

Maybe this is logical of me to point it out. But as an INFJ, I FEEL the distinction as well.

Similarly, equality has little to do with masculine-feminine polarity. We express our gender differences as masculine (doing, thinking, acting) and feminine (being, expressing, receiving) while seeing each other as peers, as equals. In a respectful and reciprocal relationship.

“As I see it, if I am avoiding any man or relationship, for any reason, then in some sense that man or relationship owns me.” --OOP

Anything you cannot walk away from OWNS YOU.

Back to the original point - walk away - ignore his communication attempts, and let it heal.

Siren C, I admire your strength in doing just this. This is the only way the pain can heal.

Siren AG — “I just ignored that text and haven’t had any contact since. but I can feel my energy moved so far from him but I feel good to follow things through until it feels GOOD to walk away.”

When you were responding it didn’t feel good. Even when you text him and say “stop texting me”… he still ever so subtly owns you… Whatever you can’t walk away from — people, possessions, careers, etc — owns you. Yes, I have a no-nonsense approach.

Siren G — “Maybe Jason is saying that we are wasting our time if we are working so hard to remove the pain just so that we can be friends with these guys who don’t want/deserve us.”

Yes. Working hard to remove pain is counterproductive. Walk away. The pain will heal on its own without your hardwork. Just like a bruise or a cut heals without your involvement. More importantly, you have now created space for worthy men to come into your life.

Siren L — “I agree... Move on. Don’t respond. I didn’t, I responded. It profited me nothing but more hurt and rejection to date.”

Exactly. Every little piece of communication is an investment that contributes to attachment. Maintaining contact under the guise of ‘friendship’ is still allowing him to have great influence over your emotions.

Siren Dg — “I felt strung along and used. I don’t even blame the men for that. I didn’t feel feminine, or open at all, I felt stupid and I felt easy. Like a puppie dog, that rolls over when the Master wants to rub it’s belly.”

Yes. It is disempowering to continue these friendships with ex lovers as harmless as it seems.

When in relationships, I used to string other women along. To feel desired, to feel adored and appreciated, to keep the current woman on her toes, to feel like there were always other options. I never wanted to close doors. Whatever the reason, it kept me from fully being present with the woman I was in a relationship with. These were all sweet women and the relationships were beautiful and unique. But I would always hem and haw with issues on marriage and children. I knew they were not the one, but I wanted to keep up the fun, and sex, and sense of adventure, and avoid the sense of abandonment that comes from walking away.

These are lines that always betray a fear - often mutual — of walking away:

Let’s just have fun and see where things go.
Let’s not have expectations.
Let’s just enjoy the moment while it lasts.
But the sex is so good!
But the friendship is so good!

Guilty. I call BS on my former self.

Only when I dropped communication cold with these ex lovers did I gain great clarity. This is when I realized specific visions of my future and my dream woman. This is when I created an opening for her to come into my life.

I dropped the friendliness, fondness, and affection that I was showing these past lovers. That’s it. Time to move on.

And I have massive respect for any ex lover that deliberately disregarded my attempts at remaining a part of her life.

This is a woman I can respect as a peer.

Energy cannot be destroyed. Instead of having my attention and energy spread all over the place, I have reclaimed it for me. As I said, I’ve gained great clarity because of this - I know exactly why I could never commit before, and I’ve stepped into my masculinity preparing myself for the one who really counts.

One more thought. It’s not Black vs White. I’m not turning friends into enemies. I’m simply reclaiming my energy and allowing these women to reclaim theirs. There is no hurt feelings, ill will, or animosity. But it’s not all warm, fuzzy, and soft either. It’s just not about the ego.

This goes far beyond the pleasure-pain dynamics of ego gratification. It’s a surrender into love and freedom at the same time.

I was happy to be relating something personal. I've historically been reluctant to do so. But I've recently realize concepts like 'disclosure' and 'transparency,' so I wanted the women of Siren Island to FEEL that my deciding to open up more about my thoughts, actions, and motives was so I could attract a mate with the same authenticity and directness. Like attracts like. I see that, and I FEEL that. A lot of this discussion was attempting to point out this principle to someone who seems blissfully unaware.

Siren C: Jason, I’m enjoying reading your posts and getting a guy’s perspective on this issue too.

Siren M: I like what you’re saying Jason. Let it go. Don’t respond at all, or…in my opinion…if you’ve already opened those lines and feel the need to say something to end it, I’d say…”You know what? I’m really just not that into you anymore.” and then…don’t respond again.

Siren AG: Jason, i feel bulldozed with opinions and directives.

Siren G: I love Jason’s last post.

Siren C: Jason: Wow, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for explaining why on earth a guy does this. You have clarified a lot in my mind and now I can stop asking myself “why?” and “what is he thinking?”

OOP submits this assumption:

One thing very triggering for me is my sense that Jason is talking about a specific male friend of mine. If so I want Jason to know that I don’t let any man tell me what I ’should’ do in my relationships with other men.

I reply:

‘Should’ is a thought distortion that a person adopts when they are trying to be self-righteous.
I reviewed my posts and I never said you or anyone else ’should’ do anything. If I am otherwise coming across as self-righteous, then I say…… :P

You are my mirror, and I see the same attitude being reflected back at me. I like it.

As [The Queen] said, “I’m so glad it’s triggering you here…great practice!”

Now, I do not know any of your male friends and I assure you that I am not referencing anything or anyone specific. I will say that whatever is being triggered for you is going to help you. Notice it, feel it, tap into it. Play with it.

Awareness is curative.

Siren M — “When things end in his current relationship, he’ll be back and he’ll be wanting sex and he’ll be saying all the right things…and…we’ll start an old pattern.”

Yep. Gotta walk away. Keeping that door open no matter how friendly, nice, or harmless it seems is inviting him to play with your heart-strings again some day.

Siren G — “And he says ‘possibly…let’s see how things pan out this week. I don’t like to plan more than 2 days in advance.’ ugh. He’s totally pulling a former-Jason.”

Yep. This is how we behave. This is how we keep you attached and invested.

Siren AG — “anything YOU can not walk away from owns YOU.”

This is a masculine statement. And also true.

If I say, “I feel and believe deep in my heart and also based on my past experiences that anything you find yourself unwilling to walk away from subtlely has the effect of ownership over you and your behavior” doesn’t make it any less true.

I could say just think about it.

But that is masculine.

But notice how your are FEELING it. It resonates with you. It triggers you.

Anything that triggers you is based in truth.

Do you have the audacity to question my veracity? :P

I appreciate everyone’s wonderful comments.

Why is OOP feeling so personally triggered? Could it be that I am her mirror? Could it be that we are esentially saying the same things with different words? She is quick to respond:

Neutral once sounded boring to me, too. But now I see it as the launching pad for joy (which is different than the fleeting ups we get when something specific happens).

Neutral has also been the launchpad for marriage propositions. I’ve had five serious ones and one semi-serious one in the past 15 months, and they all came in situations where I was not (or no longer) infatuated with a guy. Appreciation is magnetic, infatuation pushes guys away because no one likes being on a pedestal.

One of the marriage propositions came recently from a guy I met a couple of years ago. We’ve gone through every phase, and if I had written him off like some people are recommending on this thread, our relationship never would have flowered.

I actually really, really disagree with Jason’s description of a man’s thought process. Perhaps that’s true for Jason, but I have found that the more I assume the best about men, the more they come through for me in all kinds of unexpected ways.

Also, and again I’m not judging what anyone else does, but this is another area where my “no casual sex” position helps me out a lot. It is very easy for me to allow a man back into my life as a friend because I know there is zero chance I’ll have sex with him and get hormonally hooked unless he commits to me.

This allows an instant reframe. He is still attracted to me, but the only way he can have me is to step up fully. For me, that is the end of infatuation. He is on a level playing field with all the other guys I’m circular dating … until one steps up that I want to say “yes” to …

I don’t know if this will resonate with anyone else. I often seem to be a minority view on here.

Also, about the 'pink elephant' … yes that’s exactly what I mean. In fact, if a woman wants to get over a guy quickly, I recommend exactly the opposite of “forget him.” I recommend forcing yourself to obsess about him relentlessly … because you will soon get so bored with obsessing that you’ll wonder why you were ever obsessed.

When I say to myself 'I have to get over this guy,' there is a rebellious part of me that will hold on indefinitely. When I give myself permission to get over it whenever I get over it, I usually find that I’m already over it.

Interesting, logically she's making sense. A logical siren, imagine that. :P

The island weighs in:

Siren AG (who never capitalize 'i' in referecne to herself) : i feel bad jason but i may not respond even if you address me personally.

Siren J: Jason, I Thank you for your insight! what you cant walk away from owns you! words to live by! You touched on abandonment issues, fear of letting go.. I felt my heart sink, it triggered me. The light came on, and memories came flooding back. Fear! I am afraid of being left, of loss, not measuring up. Thank you Jason! I can face my fears, now that I know what they are. Also I thank you for sharing your past! I get it now!!! I dont have to wonder what he is thinking, or why he says one thing and does another, its about his ego, his self esteem, he isnt happy with his self either!!! he is looking for my validation!!! lol!! WOW THAT FEELS SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER! I feel in control now!!!

Siren G says one of two critical intutions that I'm having: OPP, I can’t seem to find the words to articulate this sense that I have that the 5 men who proposed are an example of what Jason meant by spreading yourself too thin. I know that was a very triggering statement he made, but here’s how it translates for me in terms of feelings: the thought of a bunch of proposals feels heavy and ugh to me. When I think of circular dating, I think of energy, and sort of a revolving door. And then, eventually, one guy won’t get out, and if I don’t want to kick him out, he gets exclusive access to my door (hehe). I don’t want a bunch of men loitering, jamming up the door, annoying me, making it unclear as to who is there and why, and whether I want them around.

And you rejected the proposals. So I would want them outta there to make room for the one I’d say yes to.

Then I got a personal request to leave the island. I don not know which siren it was from - I no not care. It was not by The Queen.

I could have been a real provacatuer and stayed. But I didn't want to. I had a lively visit. I had plenty of material for this thoughtful article. I had not real reason to stay longer. I took my own advice:

Anything you can't walk away from owns you.

I packed up my opinions and caught the redeye back to the air-conditioned cave of the savvy savage.

I have been not-so-kindly asked to not contribute anymore here. Apparently my “communication arrows” were a bit too sharp. So I am going to take my own advice and walk away.

And that's the tale of my visit to Siren Island.

And let me tell you, the impact of my visit is still talked about to this day...

Siren G: Aaaw! I’m sad that Jason is leaving. I hope you make another appearance soon...

Siren AG: i feel bad jason got himself kicked off siren island.

(Asumption. I chose to leave.)

Siren D: I feel amused Jason was asked not to post. I wonder if [The Queen] or [OOP] asked him …


Siren J: Jason, I would love to hear more from you!!!

Siren M: This is so frustrating! We finally had an opportunity to learn here. We had a man…telling us what he thinks from a man’s point of view. He got triggered and reacted exactly the way men react when we trigger them.

Siren M: Jason said in one of his comments that he liked the discussion. He’s never said that in any other post here. He liked the way things were going. We were challenging him. We were speaking a language he understood. At some point we crossed a line. And instead of being taught how to turn that back around and get him to enjoy discussing the issue with us again...we told him to leave.

(It was one personal request -- not a 'we.' I didn't HAVE to leave, I chose to.)

Siren Dk: Jason is a man - he spoke the way that men speak and what I have trouble with is responding to a man with feminine voice when he is speaking with masculine voice - but that is the very practice, practice, practice I need. I know we feel more comfortable when we frame things from our own point of view in this forum, but that isn’t what men do. I feel lost opportunity here.

Siren P: This is a very interesting thread indeed. I feel disappointed that Jason was asked to leave-his comments made a lot of sense to me and I thought it was good to get triggered anyway, and learn something from why we’re so triggered instead of getting petty. I feel angry that a guy shows up on here who is mature enough to contribute some very thought provoking stuff in a non-threatening (if a lttle patronising) way gets asked to leave…..

Siren Ak: Wow, what a fascinating thread! Especially the part where Jason was voted off Siren Island. For one, I found his comments incredibly triggering, but safely triggering in a forum like this where our collective experiences and support were there to soothe me. It’s also helpful for me to view all of this “from the other side.”

Siren C: Hi Jason. I’m also sorry to see you go, you gave me a real 'aha' moment... I would like to pick your brain some more if you have the time/inclination.

Siren N: I feel indifferent about Jason. I feel appreciative of him sharing and attempting to protect us. But it also feels limiting and impatient to me.

Siren D: I feel annoyed. I feel amused that people are upset Jason left. hehehe… I am literally laughing out loud…

Siren G: I didn’t mind Jason leaving, but I didn’t like it when I sensed people pushing him away or unwilling to hear the truth of what he was saying underneath his egoistic tone.

Siren D: I feel bored and interested in calling out Jason on his 'tone'… I felt good when he addressed my comment and said he felt particularly intrigued by that… I felt special…

Siren An: I’m feeling triggered myself right now. Jason is a man who brought himself, willing, into a blog full of women. That took alot of courage. I applaude you for that. Thank you for sharing while you were here.

Will I ever return to Siren Island?

That's yet to be determined. I enjoyed my stay and the stimulating discussion. But overall, the phrase comes to mind: Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Perhaps I'll just find a nice siren and bring her back to my island...

Jason Savage

PS. I was compelled to look up the origin of the word 'community.' It comes from the Latin 'munus,' which means the gift, and 'cum,' which means together, among each other. So community literally means to give among each other.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

4 Pillars of L.O.V.E.

I was already thinking about Marc Rudov's "4 Pillars of Love" which are Lust, Obligation, Veracity, and Equality.

Then I read Cameron Teone's post about "The Door Test" from the movie, A Bronx Tale.

This article is all about Contribution. How we enhance and enrich the life of our partner. What we bring to the table.

"Sometimes, people tend to think of contribution in financial terms but that’s really a myopic scope of looking at things."

I'll say. To me these two concepts go hand-in-hand: Contribution and L.O.V.E. In fact, the "4 Pillars of Love" is precisely my relationship "Door Test" (as it is designed to be):

"If one pillar is missing or deficient, the structure collapses, and there is no love. If the pillars are not mutual (supported by both man and woman) and sustainable (able to endure for years), there is no love."

Read that again... because this IS the "Door Test"... all four pillars or it's a dealbreaker.

Having met the first woman that I'm considering committing to long term, according to my deliberate Life Design, let's examine the pillars:

Lust -- We've determined that we have a very powerful sexual attraction. There's connection, intimacy, and an incredibly strong sexual desire. We are on the same page about several key things including: The idea that you know a lover is going to be sexually compatible before you have sex, the power of delayed sexual gratification in enhancing intimacy, and the desire to explore what it means to have commitment without sexual exclusivity.

Obligation -- This means several things including a mutual commitment to watch each other’s back, to defend each other, to speak well of each other, to be there for each other in difficult times, to consider each other in all major decisions, to be responsive to each other, to follow through consistently on promises to each other, to challenge and comfort each other, to learn and teach together, and to put each other first above all else and everybody else.

Veracity -- Veracity is truth. We have a commitment to communicate the truth to each other — about our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, preference, intentions, agendas, and actions. And I believe we will sustainably, willingly and frequently remain truthful to each other.

Now, I know I will have no problem contributing all the above to our relationship. I happily make this my life goal. I feel like these 3 pillars are rock solid. But that is not enough.

Unfortunately, we are facing disagreement on the pillar of Equality.

Equality -- "Equality is the antithesis of entitlement. Equality means that neither man nor woman is treated better or regarded more highly than the other, period. With equality, neither partner has rights or privileges superior to those of the other."

I put that one up word for word.

And although it is going to hurt, I am going to have to let this woman go.

You see, she believes in entitlement. She believes that I am supposed to provide for her.

I can't get with that.

Now, I am more than happy to financially contribute to our relationship. I am more than happy to assist in providing for any children we may bring into the world.

But this is not what she's talking about. She's talking about selfish antiquarian ideas like, "You're the man, you're supposed to pay for dinner."

This is not a relationship based on equality, reciprocity, or mutual respect.

Unfortunately, this is not a peer relationship.

Putting entitlement above equality is a very disempowering choice.

Now, this is a very intelligent, highly educated, socially savvy, self-actualizing woman. I think our compatibility is off the charts in term of creativity, sexuality, hopes and dreams, compassion, authenticity, and an alignment of purpose in life. She knows that a lot of the traditional views of dating, relationships, and sexuality are not for us.

It's just this one area that our expectations aren't aligned.

But it is a big one.

I chose to see my mate as an equal. Deferential treatment is old-fashioned nonsense.

I know myself well at an emotional level. I can articulate what I desire in a dream woman. I know my core needs, and equality is one of them.

I want to take on lifetime commitment once, and get it right. I'm not in a rush to get her in bed, so I can just sit back, challenge her, observe her, and determine compatibility.

I know I will never land my dream woman by catering to pedestal-based expectations.

The search for my dream woman is a conscious one. I know what I'll accept and what I won't. Gender based entitlement, I will not accept.

Entering a peer based relationship is a core need. Mutual pursuit is a core need. Mutual contribution to a shared life purpose is a core need. Lustful sex is a core need. Obligation and commitment is a core need. Veracity and truth is a core need.

And equality is a core need.


Required reading for anyone that believes in relationship equality:

The Mart of Seduction

Thou Shalt Not Disappoint Her

Chasing Pavlovian Sex

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Foreplay Gourmet

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

--Because so many men fake foreplay.

What is an AFC's idea of foreplay?

--A half hour of begging.

What is a PUA's idea of foreplay?

--A half hour of LMR-busting tactics.

Before I ever became known as 'savage' in the seduction community, I was named the Foreplay Gourmet by my second long-term girlfriend. Rightfully, my first girlfriend recognized that foreplay was more like my way of being than a means to an end, but she was too busy having powerful orgasms to come up with cute nicknames.

So, the question is:

Can you tell if people are going to be good lovers before you sleep with them?

Yes, absolutely.

And the longer you wait to penetrate -- engaging in social intercourse and foreplay -- the more likely it is that you're intuition is going to be right.

It's amusing that community guys want to argue with this.

The whole reason we teach you empowering communication techniques is so you can come across as a confident and competent lover. She can tell.

It's the way you move, the way you carry yourself, your eye contact, and especially the way you touch her. It's the way you use language, the way you flirt, the way you convey your identity, and the way you set intentions and expectations.

She's got a pretty good guess before there's any real outercourse (like making out or heavy petting). She's got a pretty good idea before you even kiss her. In fact, in a good romance, the kiss is the most telling surrender. The intensity of that first kiss just cements the fact that one day we'll make love.

Now, to be completely honest... I can also tell if you'd make a good lover just by watching how you interact with women... and I certainly don't have to - or want to - kiss you.

It's obvious to me... I can feel it in my body. At my level of experience and awareness, I can always tell if a woman is going to be good in bed (or in the car, under the bridge, on the park bench, etc) before my cock ends up inside her.

I'll also tell you this....

The times that I have been disappointed by a woman's sexual performance are the times that I either a) rushed things or b) eroticized the conquest more than the actual connection with that individual girl or c) both.

The community emphasises both of these things.

Get the girl as soon as possible. I don't have a problem with this as long as hooking up quickly is clearly a mutual desire. What better way to test for chemistry than to just fuck.

Done deal.

But, even if the sex was great, you've still lost most -- if not all -- of the intrigue; the sexual tension.

Sexual tension has been defined as "the presence of a controlled aroused state, in the absence of overt sexual interest."

Well, as soon as you fuck, the aroused state is no longer controlled and the sexual interest is quite overt. You both have to come to terms with what it means and if the expectations are really aligned. Hopefully, it was mutually satisfying, you'll hook up again, and sex will get even better.

But it's the second thing that the community emphasises that is much more insidious. This idea that it's all about results; devoid of compassion and real connection. You should only focus on your 'game' -- the 'pick up' process -- because all that matters is 'scoring.' It's all seen as a means to an end. And what's really treacherous about this idea is that most guys haven't even decided what that end is.

Having sex quickly and damn-near anonymously is not enough. What really counts is bragging about it and writing 'lay reports.' So many community guys are far more compelled by the attention and validation of other men than actually having sex with women.

Sure, I've written about plenty of my sexual escapades and shared them with the community, but hopefully you can sense that it was always about connecting and sharing something with the women involved, rather than an eagerness to share with some underground society.

Now, I'm trying to relate this all back to the idea of foreplay.

Intimacy begins with communication. Foreplay begins with the first look, the first words, the first touch. You are exploring each other's emotions through mental stimulation and body sensations. To lower defenses, you must awaken senses.

What is the most important sex organ?

I'll give you a clue, it's between your ears, not your thighs. Sex always begins in the mind. Mental seduction involves compassionate understanding and a sense that you are already sharing something beautiful without genital contact.

I always know a woman is going to be a good lover when I invest in turning on her mental imagery. I know that sex will just be a way of continuing and intensifying a connection that is already flourishing.

Although sex is a very subjective experience, sometimes I feel a connection that is distinct. I sense her trust, enthusiasm and passion. I feel her desire to connect on all levels -- mind, heart and body. That's all I need.

I know I can lead and handle the rest. I know I will make the sex amazing. My secret to incredible sex in my confidence in my own sexual ability. It’s one thing to love sex. But it’s another thing to know that I'm really good at it.

Maybe this sounds arrogant, but I feel entitled to enticing and exciting sex.

I desire it, and I deserve it.

And I attract partners who feel the same.


More specific foreplay tips in upcoming posts...

California Girl Gets Dying Wish

While you're out trying to bang the next hot chick, I'm reminded of family, fatherhood, and how fleeting life really is....

Colby Curtin got her final wish.

The 10-year-old girl desperately wanted to see the new Disney-Pixar movie, "Up." But the cancer-stricken girl was too sick to go to a theater.

Thanks to a family friend who got in touch with the movie studio Pixar, an employee of the Emeryville-based company arrived at Colby's home with a DVD copy of the movie.

The girl died later that night.

Colby's mother, Lisa, said she had asked her daughter if she could hang on until the movie arrived.

"I'm ready (to die), but I'm going to wait for the movie," she said her daughter replied.

"When I watched it, I had really no idea about the content of the theme of the movie," Colby's mother told the Register. "I just know that word 'Up' and all of the balloons and I swear to you, for me it meant that (Colby) was going to go up. Up to heaven."

Colby, who was diagnosed with vascular cancer in 2005, saw previews for the film in April.
"It was from then on, she said, 'I have to see that movie. It is so cool,'" family friend Carole Lynch said.

But the girl's health began to deteriorate. On June 4, Curtin asked a hospice company to bring a wheelchair so that her daughter could go to a movie theater but the chair was not delivered over the weekend, Curtin said.

By June 9, Colby was too sick to go anywhere.

Another family friend, Terrell Orum, called Pixar. The message was received by Pixar officials, who agreed to send someone to Colby's house the next day with a copy of "Up" for a private screening, Orum said. The employee arrived with the DVD, stuffed animals of characters and other movie memorabilia. Colby was unable to open her eyes to see the movie so her mother described the scenes.

When her mother asked if she enjoyed it, the girl nodded, Curtin said. The Pixar employee left after the movie, taking the DVD, which has not been released. Lynch, who was with the family during the screening, said the employee's "eyes were just welled up."

Colby, with her parents nearby, died later that night.

Her mother said one of the memorabilia left by the Pixar employee was an "adventure book" based on a scrapbook that, in the movie, is kept by the wife of the main character.

"I'll have to fill those adventures in for her," Lisa Curtin said of her daughter.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Polarize Your Game Response

Erika, thanks for dissecting this and relating it all back to expectations management.

Dan, thanks for the Steve Pavlina link...

I had no idea anyone else was using the concept of polarity in any context. To me, it's about commitment, conscious choice, personal empowerment, congruence, and leading by clear intent.

What Pavlina is talking about polarizing did not really resonate with me (serving the greater good vs serving yourself). In my teachings I talk about having a "refined selfishness" where you recognize that when you serve the greater good you are also serving yourself because it makes you happy. I don't see a reason to polarize this as light and dark when its so easy to just recognize refined selfishness or enlightened self interest.

But everything game-related should be polarized if you want to come anywhere near mastery on either path.

I like these three lines by Pavlina:

--"The decision to polarize is a decision you make with every fiber of your being."

--"The reason to polarize is because you’re ready to make a conscious commitment to a certain type of life."

--"Polarization bestows a new level of intensity, drive, and motivation."

Now you say:

"The one difficulty I can see is for guys that aren't sure what they want. Or guys who are comfortable with casual sex but want a relationship mostly."

Well, you're not going to get what you want until you decide what you want. The point of my post is to force a decision out of you -- critical if you are hiring me as a 'coach' -- so we can stop this vacillating and I can show you specifically what's powerful and unique to that choice.

Of course you are free to choose not to choose. You are free to play some path in the middle.

But this just screams fear of commitment. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Etcetera.

Pavlina said this well:

"Mastery is a process, not a position. Mastery is when you turn a desire into an absolute must..... in either case, a conscious decision is made to devote one’s time, energy, resources, and talents to the chosen role with a high degree of intensity. That intensity of focus is perhaps what most distinguishes someone who has polarized."

"And also, doesn't this remove spontaneity from the universe's plans for you?"

Not at all. Be playfully spontaneous on your chosen path. Be novel and original in how you go about attaining mastery in either pole.

Similarly, you can still have fun and make new platonic friends. Just know your overriding intention. State it honestly, and pursue it intensely.

"I know guys 'on the prowl' who picked up a one night stand and it turned into their soul mate."

Well, that is not a one night stand, by definition. But I know what you mean. Path #2 would not preclude this possibility, just like path #1 would not preclude sleeping together on the same day you met.

"Also, while GoneSavage is on the lookout for The One, I doubt he's kicking girls out of his bed who want casual sex."

You are correct. Until 'The One' presents herself and acknowledges mutual pursuit, a desire for commitment, and clear intention to share purpose in life, my bed is wide open.

If you've attained a black belt in karate, and now your on a path of mastering jujitsu, does that mean you can no longer practice karate?

To expand that metaphor... The one who will master jujitsu with me (shared life purpose, raising children, emotional commitment, long term bonding, etc) will still practice karate with me (casual protected sex with peripheral partners).

One final thought:

This whole concept came to me because I saw too many community guys dicking around in field, playing game half-throttle (well really like 10%), without commitment to anything, and no idea what they wanted their lives to look like. They come to me and say "I don't know what I want." Well, I certainly can't help you get what you want if you don't know what you want. This ambiguity, indecision, and inaction is so unattractive.

So, I think I said this before, I had to get this in writing as a starting point for clients. I have a really good perspective from which to guide you once you've declared one of these intentions.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Truth About Phone Numbers

I hear this from guys all the time:

"I'm at the stage now where I can get girls' phone numbers. Now if I could only get them to return my calls or respond to my texts...."

And then I have to tell them the truth.

A phone number is a punctuation mark. Nothing more. Sometimes it's a question mark. Sometimes it's an ellipse...

But most of the time, it's a PERIOD.

That's it. That's all you get. Game over.

My point is.... if you think getting a girl's phone number is some kind of special 'result' or achievement, then you likely haven't declared your full intention.

You are not solidly on one of the two paths.

So be clear of what it is you're looking for and dedicate yourself to one of the two empowering paths. I invite you to either choose a path seeking your ideal long-term lover. Or choose a path seeking mutually satisfying short-term erotic encounters.

Sure, you'll exchange numbers sometimes, but just don't confuse getting the phone number as some sort of 'stage' or 'process' that you have to get good at before you give yourself permission go for what you really want.

The number is just an invitation to use technology to continue your connection. Never see it as an end in itself.

I'll tell you the equivalent for a bright, beautiful, high self-esteem woman on a path to connect and share commitment with her life partner. It's this...

Getting a marriage proposal from anyone who is not destined to be the man in this role. The proposal is just a period. It is not to be mistaken as some sort of 'stage' indicating her development. It's not indicative of anything because it is not the realization of the intention she's set.

Always remember your path. Visualize it. Step into it. Feel it. Intensely, vividly imagine the emotions you would have if it all were true right now.

And don't get sidetracked glorifying anything that is not the full realization of your intention.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Polarize Your 'Game'

This is why you suck in field.

This is why you are not getting the 'results' you want.

This post is also going to be the starting point for all current and future clients.

You have to polarize your 'game.' This is to say, when you go out, know what you're intention is.

Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.

I'm going to go ahead and say it because this is key... there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That's it. Don't come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That's not how it works.

Chose one path now. Here are your choices:

1) I am looking for "the one." I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship "potential." I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.

2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I'm looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and have short-term commitment-free encounters.

Now, understand there is no judgement with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, 'LTR game' is remarkably different than 'SNL game.' More on that in a minute.

The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be...

"What I offer is exactly as it appears."

The whole point is that what you offer -- what you embody and present -- is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.

The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It's tepid, weak, and ineffective. I'm here to tell you that it's also precisely why you're not getting what you want.

Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:

--"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."

--"I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn't work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes."

--"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."

Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It's an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.

All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It's not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice -- you're settling -- perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher 'quality' than you would have had before, but you are still settling.

Stop that. I'm making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find "the one" or you're out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.

You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it's more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she's at is fundamentally unattractive. It's disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don't reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.

And here's how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.

If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things -- they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the "man that doesn't count."

And I remind you -- either path -- you are to embody 100% congruence. "What I offer is exactly as it seems." You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.

Let's take the example of smoking.

A guy tells me he's on path #1 and a woman who smokes is a deal-breaker as a mate. Then a woman asks if he has a light. He doesn't, but he recognizes that she's attracted, he engages her, chats her up, flirts, and makes moves to take her home. Wrong. This is not path #1.

More common, I'm out with a guy who tells me he's on path #2. He chat's with a girl and ejects. I ask him why. He tells me that she smokes and he could never see himself with a girl that smokes. What? You told me you were on path #2! You can't see your cock penetrating a woman and gaining much-needed sexual experience just because she smokes? Bullshit. This has nothing to do with you and your stated desires. This is not path #2.

Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points -- most of which you aren't even aware of if you are following typical community dogma -- out of your 'game' ASAP.

To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.

This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I've recently outgrown it. But -- I will tell you this much -- I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she's ever had, and I don't just mean in the bedroom -- all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.

It feels very natural for me to be on path #1 and mentor guys on path #2. Actors become directors. Players become coaches. This is the beauty of mentorship. In any field, you have to ask yourself: Is there anyone I know or have heard of who possesses true greatness?

Allow this person to enter your landscape as a mentor. Decide your current path, know your intention -- declare it -- and make sure you solidly, and efficiently stick to it.

Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don't settle for anything in the middle.

That's savage. That's real. And that's the only thing I teach these days.

I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of "the one" -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.

I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.

I used to ask potential clients.... What are your short term goals? What are your long long term goals? What are your sticking points? What is the one way that you will know that your experience with me has been all it could be?

Blah blah blah. Fuck that.

All you really need to do is tell me which path you are on -- and convince me that you're sticking to it -- and I will congruently and competently guide the way.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Back to Basics: The Dandy

1) "The Dandy displays a true and radical difference from other people, a difference of appearance and manner. Since most of us are secretly oppressed by our lack of freedom, we are drawn to those who are more fluid and flaunt it."

2) "Be different in ways that are both striking and aesthetic, never vulgar; poke fun at current trends and styles, go in a novel direction, and be supremely uninterested in what anyone else is doing. Most people are insecure; they will wonder what you are up to, and slowly they will come to admire and imitate you, because you express yourself with total confidence."

3) "The Dandy has traditionally been defined by clothing, and certainly most Dandies create a unique visual style.... But a Dandy's style cannot be obvious, for Dandies are subtle, and never try hard for attention -- attention comes to them."

4) "The nonconformity of Dandies, however, goes far beyond appearances. It is an attitude toward life that sets them apart; adopt that attitude and a circle of followers will form around you. Dandies are supremely impudent. They don't give a damn about other people, and never try to please."

5) "The insolence of the Rake is tied up with his desire to conquer a woman; he cares for nothing else. The insolence of the Dandy, on the other hand, is aimed at society and its conventions. It is not a woman he cares to conquer but a whole group, an entire social world."

6) "Dandies are masters at the art of living. They live for pleasure, not for work; they surround themselves with beautiful objects and eat and drink with the same relish they show for their clothes.... The key is to make everything an aesthetic choice."

7) "Dandies may never try to please, but in this one area they have a pleasing effect: By adopting psychological traits of the opposite sex, they appeal to our inherent narcissism.... This kind of mental transvestism -- the ability to enter the spirit of the opposite sex, adapt to their way of thinking, mirror their tastes and attitudes -- can be a key element in seduction."

8) "Do not be misled by the surface disapproval your Dandy pose may elicit. Society may publicise its distrust of androgyny, but this conceals its fascination; what is most seductive is often what is most repressed. Lean a playful dandyism and you will become the magnet for people's dark, unrealized yearnings."

9) "The key to such power is ambiguity. In a society where the roles everyone plays are obvious, the refusal to conform to any standard will excite interest. Be both masculine and feminine, impudent and charming, subtle and outrageous."

10) "He lures the woman in with exactly what she wants -- a familiar, pleasing, graceful presence. Mirroring feminine psychology, he displays attention to his appearance, sensitivity to detail, a slight coquettishness -- but also a hint of male cruelty. Women are narcissists, in love with the charms of their own sex. By showing them feminine charm, a man can mesmerize and disarm them, leaving them vulnerable to a bold, masculine move."

--Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

Interestingly, I thought I didn't have much of the Dandy in my style. I remember when I was exposed to this book in 2001, reading about the Dandy just made be think of androgyny, transvestism, and flamboyance. The examples in the book made no personal appeal: Rudolph Valentino, Elvis Presley, and Mick Jagger.

Then, years later, finding guys in the community trying to embody this aesthetic was really creepy. Guys going around pretending like they were gay to 'disarm' a woman. All this talk about David Bowie. The ridiculous emphasis on peacocking. It was making me a little sick. The two Dandified guys that have become recognized as self-declared PUAs -- I swear, it is just a matter of time before they come out of the closet.

But here is the flaw with the community embodiment of the Dandy. Guys try to play around with ambiguity and mirroring female psychology to 'come in under the radar.' That's fine, as long as you follow through. What they're not doing is next making a bold, decisive, and masculine move. The whole point about being indirect is to 'get caught' right when the timing is impeccable. She's mesmerized, she's entranced -- now fearlessly take her with masculine intent. Guys just don't do this, they stay in the familiar land of inaction. Except, now she seriously thinks your gay.

Further, in my tough-love style of teaching, I've always told guys that one of the biggest things you have to demonstrate -- along with ensuring her physical safety, and protecting her reputation -- is that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you're not a closet homosexual. Get that ambiguity out of your game right now.

That said, returning to this tome eight years later, I find that I can identify with a lot of the Dandy's traits. I consider it kind of an advanced way to present yourself, as you have to be deeply in touch with your masculine core first. Then you can play with subtle elements of feminine charm.

Also, it's worth mentioning that the only musicians that I've seen lately that can really work a large female audience into a frenzy -- and I go to a lot of shows -- are true Dandies. Mickey Avalon does this remarkably well. Gil Mantera's Party Dream is a good example. Even Peaches as a masculine Dandy is actually a great example.

The key points for the recognition of my personal style are #2 -- having extreme disinterest in what others are doing (community gurus, pop icons, other guys in-field, etc); #5 -- the desire to change groups over individuals ; and #6 -- living for pleasure, and not work. I definitely value surrounding myself with beautiful, unique, and interesting objects. My apartment is small, but I've taken care in making it my own pleasure palace. Comfortable, yet very personal, intriguing, even kitchy.

Another really useful realization for me was contrasting #4 -- a nonconformists attitude -- with #3 -- having a striking visual appearance. Having been involved with certain activities that embrace fundamentally nonconformist attitudes, it has become required that I do not visually stand out. So, my manner of dress has been to really blend in. Now, I am confronting attachments to these activities and my limiting beliefs about money... and being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I would like to dress much more strikingly.

It's a useful question to anyone: If money were no issue, how would your appearance or manner change?

I find that as I become richer with life experience and more comfortable being surrounded with abundance, I embody more of the dandyisms, especially paying attention to detail and making life a truly aesthetic experience. I suppose grace comes with age and maturity. But I love setting the rhythm, not rushing, remaining attentive and present.

It's the difference between being controlling and truly being in control.