Polarize Your 'Game'
This is why you suck in field.
This is why you are not getting the 'results' you want.
This post is also going to be the starting point for all current and future clients.
You have to polarize your 'game.' This is to say, when you go out, know what you're intention is.
Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.
I'm going to go ahead and say it because this is key... there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That's it. Don't come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That's not how it works.
Chose one path now. Here are your choices:
1) I am looking for "the one." I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship "potential." I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.
2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I'm looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and have short-term commitment-free encounters.
Now, understand there is no judgement with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, 'LTR game' is remarkably different than 'SNL game.' More on that in a minute.
The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be...
"What I offer is exactly as it appears."
The whole point is that what you offer -- what you embody and present -- is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.
The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It's tepid, weak, and ineffective. I'm here to tell you that it's also precisely why you're not getting what you want.
Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:
--"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."
--"I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn't work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes."
--"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."
Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It's an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.
All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It's not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice -- you're settling -- perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher 'quality' than you would have had before, but you are still settling.
Stop that. I'm making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find "the one" or you're out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.
You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it's more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she's at is fundamentally unattractive. It's disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don't reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.
And here's how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.
If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things -- they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the "man that doesn't count."
And I remind you -- either path -- you are to embody 100% congruence. "What I offer is exactly as it seems." You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.
Let's take the example of smoking.
A guy tells me he's on path #1 and a woman who smokes is a deal-breaker as a mate. Then a woman asks if he has a light. He doesn't, but he recognizes that she's attracted, he engages her, chats her up, flirts, and makes moves to take her home. Wrong. This is not path #1.
More common, I'm out with a guy who tells me he's on path #2. He chat's with a girl and ejects. I ask him why. He tells me that she smokes and he could never see himself with a girl that smokes. What? You told me you were on path #2! You can't see your cock penetrating a woman and gaining much-needed sexual experience just because she smokes? Bullshit. This has nothing to do with you and your stated desires. This is not path #2.
Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points -- most of which you aren't even aware of if you are following typical community dogma -- out of your 'game' ASAP.
To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.
This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I've recently outgrown it. But -- I will tell you this much -- I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she's ever had, and I don't just mean in the bedroom -- all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.
It feels very natural for me to be on path #1 and mentor guys on path #2. Actors become directors. Players become coaches. This is the beauty of mentorship. In any field, you have to ask yourself: Is there anyone I know or have heard of who possesses true greatness?
Allow this person to enter your landscape as a mentor. Decide your current path, know your intention -- declare it -- and make sure you solidly, and efficiently stick to it.
Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don't settle for anything in the middle.
That's savage. That's real. And that's the only thing I teach these days.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of "the one" -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I used to ask potential clients.... What are your short term goals? What are your long long term goals? What are your sticking points? What is the one way that you will know that your experience with me has been all it could be?
Blah blah blah. Fuck that.
All you really need to do is tell me which path you are on -- and convince me that you're sticking to it -- and I will congruently and competently guide the way.
GoneSavage
This is why you are not getting the 'results' you want.
This post is also going to be the starting point for all current and future clients.
You have to polarize your 'game.' This is to say, when you go out, know what you're intention is.
Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.
I'm going to go ahead and say it because this is key... there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That's it. Don't come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That's not how it works.
Chose one path now. Here are your choices:
1) I am looking for "the one." I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship "potential." I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.
2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I'm looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and have short-term commitment-free encounters.
Now, understand there is no judgement with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, 'LTR game' is remarkably different than 'SNL game.' More on that in a minute.
The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be...
"What I offer is exactly as it appears."
The whole point is that what you offer -- what you embody and present -- is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.
The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It's tepid, weak, and ineffective. I'm here to tell you that it's also precisely why you're not getting what you want.
Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:
--"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."
--"I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn't work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes."
--"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."
Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It's an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.
All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It's not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice -- you're settling -- perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher 'quality' than you would have had before, but you are still settling.
Stop that. I'm making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find "the one" or you're out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.
You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it's more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she's at is fundamentally unattractive. It's disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don't reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.
And here's how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.
If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things -- they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the "man that doesn't count."
And I remind you -- either path -- you are to embody 100% congruence. "What I offer is exactly as it seems." You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.
Let's take the example of smoking.
A guy tells me he's on path #1 and a woman who smokes is a deal-breaker as a mate. Then a woman asks if he has a light. He doesn't, but he recognizes that she's attracted, he engages her, chats her up, flirts, and makes moves to take her home. Wrong. This is not path #1.
More common, I'm out with a guy who tells me he's on path #2. He chat's with a girl and ejects. I ask him why. He tells me that she smokes and he could never see himself with a girl that smokes. What? You told me you were on path #2! You can't see your cock penetrating a woman and gaining much-needed sexual experience just because she smokes? Bullshit. This has nothing to do with you and your stated desires. This is not path #2.
Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points -- most of which you aren't even aware of if you are following typical community dogma -- out of your 'game' ASAP.
To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.
This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I've recently outgrown it. But -- I will tell you this much -- I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she's ever had, and I don't just mean in the bedroom -- all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.
It feels very natural for me to be on path #1 and mentor guys on path #2. Actors become directors. Players become coaches. This is the beauty of mentorship. In any field, you have to ask yourself: Is there anyone I know or have heard of who possesses true greatness?
Allow this person to enter your landscape as a mentor. Decide your current path, know your intention -- declare it -- and make sure you solidly, and efficiently stick to it.
Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don't settle for anything in the middle.
That's savage. That's real. And that's the only thing I teach these days.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of "the one" -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I used to ask potential clients.... What are your short term goals? What are your long long term goals? What are your sticking points? What is the one way that you will know that your experience with me has been all it could be?
Blah blah blah. Fuck that.
All you really need to do is tell me which path you are on -- and convince me that you're sticking to it -- and I will congruently and competently guide the way.
GoneSavage
posted by GoneSavage at Wednesday, June 17, 2009
18 Comments:
Great post, GS.
I wish every guy would read it.
Great Post. I'm mad I didn't come up with it myself.
Wow.
That is easily one of the best writings on dating that has ever been written.
And I say that as someone who has been bobbing and weaving in the No Man's Land (how's that for a painfully true metaphor?) between those poles for all of my life.
In fact, not fifteen minutes ago, I walked in the door after a final dinner with a girl I'd been seeing, "kinda-sorta", for over a year. The dinner was where she finally stated that which had been manifestly obvious to both of us for months: that the wheels had fallen off our "relationship" a long time ago.
Though I am definitely a guy in the middle-Purgatory, (subjecting women to same) this post has inspired me.
And I can't tell you how freeing it is that you don't exalt one road and shame the other. Because I've had a fair amount of fear that the sexual road leads one to weirdness and isolation.
(Could you, at some future point, write a post illuminating more about how your sexual journey equipped you for the commitment path? I think that would be a powerful thing to read...and very different from anything in the "Community" to date.
I'm definitely tired of the middle road, and yes, it's all about mediocrity, and it does attract mediocre women. (Although I would tend to agree with the teachings of Landmark Education, which would have it that the women aren't necessarily mediocre beforehand; our own mediocrity is so powerful and infectious that it ruins perfectly good people who make the mistake of associating with us.)
Anyway...I bet you're one hell of a coach, Jason!
GS, I've been reading your blog for a while and I really like your posts and your attitude.
I agree with you as to usefulness of choice and how it makes life easier.
But I think you discount the contribution of your experience in your ability to make 1 vs 2 choice for yourself. For those with little (less) experience, for those who are still covered with societal brain-washing such choice is less viable. And since a true choice can't be forced from the outside, your demands to pick a path might be counter-productive.
It can be very pleasant for an expert to share knowledge once a pupil chose a path, because that knowledge is usually expansive and effective for that particular path (hence easily measurable progress can be observed). But for those who haven't made a choice for themselves, it's important to engage in activities that will help them make a choice. For them, they grey area between 1 and 2 IS where they are today authentically.
Polarization is a form of specialization. Specialization without life experience with the options can be very misleading. Specialization when landscape is surveyed seems like a better option to me.
"Polarization is a form of specialization. Specialization without life experience with the options can be very misleading. Specialization when landscape is surveyed seems like a better option to me."
Fair enough. What I am really talking about is the polarization of two SEXUAL approaches. Owning your intent as a sexual being. I make heavy distinctions between 'Social Game' and 'Sexual Game.' Most of the community material and perspectives help you become more social. I teach real sexual dynamics. Get the social stuff handled first. This polarization that I talk about is for guys that are plenty comfortable being social, striking up conversations with strangers, etc. Now, it's time to own your sexuality. Pick a path and pursue it unapologetically, efficiently, congruently, and honesty.
"That is easily one of the best writings on dating that has ever been written."
Thanks!
I think you understand, but I wanted to be clear that I am not simply advocating LTR vs tons of one night stands. Path 2, for example, could lead to plenty of friends, fuck friends, friends with benefits, etc. But there is very little ambiguity. No one is being led on to think there is "LTR potential" or the like. It's not just a sex thing, but expectations are defined.
Clear, honest intentions from the start should prevent a lot of that Purgatory feeling that comes from undefined, unexamined relationships.
Double Wow...
Your post blew me away...it's easy to spot that you've reflected on this thought alot...hence the birth of this masterpiece...
You've officially converted me to a fan...
Awesome...I'm going to read this over and over...haha
Thanks!
Further to the other comments, this is excellent, well thought and very practical advice which anyone can put it to use immediately.
Great stuff.
Erika McMiracle dissected this post on her own blog. These are her comments:
So ... two paths. Note that this is very different than what most PUAs preach. They say have sex first and decide what it means later. I think this is a recipe for disaster, because it will not ensure that intentions are aligned. It also allows for tons of incongruity ... relationships where no one is clear on what they want, leading to wishy-washiness and a lack of purpose.
Honesty, honesty, honesty. It is so key. Even beyond that, I would venture to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to manage expectations effectively with a woman unless he is clear and honest with himself at the outset about what his intention is with her.
I meet so many guys who haven't got a clue what they want from a relationship or from a woman. How can I be turned on by that? If a guy has clear sexual intent and is honest that sex is all he's looking for from me, I'm not going to go for that because it's not what I'm looking for, but at least I can respect his clear intentions and honesty. How can I possibly respect or trust a man who doesn't know what he wants?
If the guy doesn't know what he really wants and instead "falls into" a relationship with a woman, it can often get complicated and entangled and be a huge time waster even though it wasn't what he really wanted in the first place. Then he may start using it as a crutch and not be getting clear about his purpose.
Or you can find "the one" and share a multitude of thrilling experiences WITH her. But you've got to commit to her first. The intention (e.g., of who the primary partnership is and what the peripheral relationships mean) always needs to be clear. Otherwise things are likely to get messy and painful for everyone involved.
I expect radical honesty from guys I date. Please know, men, that if you are talking about wedding rings, doing tons of future projection, saying "I've met my match," saying you want her to be your primary, etc., you are creating very long-term relationship expectations. Own it.
Much of what we refer to as "deep comfort game" depends on these sorts of future projections, but you must understand and take responsibility for the intentions that you are communicating to the woman.
There are some women out there, including many high self-esteem women and most of my hot girlfriends, who WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU unless you use future projections and create long-term relationship expectations. But if you create LTR expectations and do not follow through on them, it will BITE YOU IN THE ASS. Don't do it. If what you want is casual sex, accept the fact that some women are going to protect their own sexual and emotional health by not sleeping with you. Respect that boundary. It is not something to fuck around with.
The top guys in the community, guys like Zan, don't fuck around with this. They don't pretend they are going to be around to be the "boyfriend." That leaves the woman truly at choice about whether she wants to have casual sex or not. Many women do, but some won't. Respect her choice.
I never heard anyone put it quite like this, but YES. - Future projection is for LTR intention. - Being spontaneous and in the moment and hyper-sexual is for casual sex intention.
Tons of sexual experience is not a prerequisite for me in a LTR, but I do want a guy who is able to connect with me deeply, both emotionally and sexually. I've found that guys who have been in several LTRs can be just as good at this as guys who've had many lovers.
Furthermore, No guy below the age of 30 (specially below the age of 25) should be out looking to get married and get kids.
Anonymous (last one),
I really don't think you can generalize about people based on age. Some guys are ready and know exactly what they want at 22. Other guys don't have a clue even into their 40s and 50s. I know some guys in their early to mid-20s who have far more sexual experience than other men in their 40s and 50s.
Similarly, some people opt when they "commit" to go fully monogamous and forgo any further sexual experiences with other people. Other people may commit to each other early and then continue to have an open or polyamorous relationship.
I don't think there are any rules, really.
Awesome stuff
I think this is sometimes alluded to, but hasnt really been gone into in depth like this
"Path 2, for example, could lead to plenty of friends, fuck friends, friends with benefits, etc. But there is very little ambiguity. No one is being led on to think there is "LTR potential" or the like. It's not just a sex thing, but expectations are defined."
I'd be interested to see a follow-up post talking about how someone on the casual sex path who is more interested in multiple ONGOING sexual partners would approach that path as opposed to someone who is really on a mission for one-night stands and variety.
Or would you say there is no difference?
Also, I'm curious about whether you think this has to be an absolute either/or lifestyle decision, or whether someone can authentically embody a different path from one day to the next, or even one interaction to the next.
e.g. Someone might be in LTR mode, but go on a 2-week vacation to Mexico and choose to be on the casual sex path while there. Or might be in LTR mode, but he's been out all night talking to people and it's 1am and he looks inside himself and says "Notwithstanding my long-term goals, I'd really like to get laid tonight" and spends the rest of his night expressing a clear intent for casual sex.
I think Erika hit the crux of it in her post: "Even beyond that, I would venture to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to manage expectations effectively with a woman unless he is clear and honest with himself at the outset about what his intention is with her." The "with her" is an important distinction.
As long as you are deciding before a given interaction what your intentions are for that interaction, I'm thinking it's possible to travel on both paths - just NOT ever at the same time.
It's the difference between unconscious ambiguity that reeks of "I'll take whatever I can get" neediness, and a conscious, situational self-awareness that needs nothing and makes its wants clear in every moment.
I do think focusing on one path at a time is going to be the best way to master a given path, though. I think you're right to force this choice from your students.
But once someone has acquired the skills necessary to succeed on each, it seems like there is plenty of room for finesse.
Savage,
Love the concept of polarization. Your words hit me right in my gut, and my eyes widened with recognition that I needed more polarization in my life.
The question I've been asking myself lately is why are you afraid of who you are? I know what I want, and I'm pretty good at getting what I want. But I haven't been willing to close off options in pursuit of my ultimate goal.
I particularly liked the t-shirt comment. I may need to wear a path #1 shirt for a while.
Okay, I love this post. Your writing and ideas are very strong.
BUT I'm also a big time devil's advocate. The thing is, what if your intention is authentically in the number 2 camp? You meet a girl, and you become fuck friends. Then after lots of fucking, during some of the time in between fucking, you talk.
You get to know her.
Strange as it is, you guys have more in common and you start wanting more from each other. Maybe you knew this up front subconsciously with this particular girl, but you weren't screening for a mate, so you didn't focus in on this reality.
Also, had you been in mode 1 and had been screening hardcore upfront, you might have actually discarded her, because she wasn't your type, she didn't have LTR promise. But stranger shit has happened and this one has LTR legs, but just because she wore black lace you assumed she was better suited for Saturday Night Live.
While I don't entirely agree with the content, this is an excellent- much needed in the pickup community- post.
Rock on, hope to meet you this summer bro
-Dream
This is an excellent excellent post. Hit me like a sledgehammer My pal Geoff turned me on to this blog...I'll be going back and reading through the archives. Namaste, and enjoy Orlando, my hometown.
In my view there are a lot of true things in your post Savage but there is one big problem for most guys in the community.
Even if somebody knows which path he is looking for it doesn't really help him. Personally I think most guys who are joining the seduction community are unhappy with their sexlife because of too little possibilities to have sex. Let's suppose they choose path #2. Most of these guys don't know how to lead a conversation to have casual sex. And women who are looking for casual sex they have so much choice they don't look for the average guy who speaks honestly about having casual sex.
So it's not about being disrespectful to the girl. Often times I could only get laid if they see me as relationship material. Sure it is much harder then have a SNL. But if this is the only way to get laid for me I go this way instead of playing with myself because I was honest but women choose the more athletic guy for casual sex.
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