Anticipation vs Compulsion
Early Saturday, I chatted with this an incredible girl that I met Thursday and deemed solid LTR potential. We had a lighthearted chat about pets, and the size of her apartment and bed. These things are important with someone I want to see long term. She has no roommates and lives in a studio that sounds a lot like my own. She has a full bed, which means she'll be spending more time over here than I will at her place. (Guys, the absolute best investment you can make to your pleasure pad is a king size bed.) She's a dog chick, which I think is great because we all know femi-narcissistic cat chicks are crazy. (More on this later.)
Anyway, she gives me this great frame, one that if you ever encountered in STR pursuit you would have to handle in a completely different way than LTR pursuit. (The short answer is that you encourage competition with her friends with STR, and cooperation with LTR.) She says:
"I think you might be interested in my friend, J. I can set you up with her if you like."
I thought for a second. "What gives you that impression?"
"You seemed to really be into her. I thought maybe you just started talking to me to get to her. That's fine with me."
Most guys would lose this incredible girl right here by saying something ambivalent, or by trying to be cocky and funny, or by trying to be anything. I said something to this effect:
"Are you out of your mind? I started talking to you because I want to get to know you. Is this going to be an esteem issue? If there is some reason why you don't feel worthy? I want you to tell me now. I chose you. You can accept that and we can have an amazing adventure or I can move on."
Test passed. I had to meet a client for lunch and I said, "I want to talk to you again -- today -- wait by the phone." This is a playful directive, not to be confused with a brute demand. The point is, it was none of this "call me later" BS.
So I had this ridiculously long meeting with this student that wanted to ask me a million questions. The thing is, I had already been up way over 24 hours, and this meeting was preventing me from getting some sleep. I was also thinking about going to a rave that night as well. By the time this guy left at 6pm, I had to crash. I decided I would send out an invite first.
Let me try to convey this. If someone sets plans with you and then cancels, that person does not lose attractiveness. Oftentimes, interest goes up. However, if this person will not commit to plans, it is obvious that the enthusiasm is low, and the attraction diminishes. So, I wanted to get that invite out, even though it looked like my sleep was going to take priority. I make the invite to gauge her interest and enthusiasm. And if I have to cancel, I know from experience, that I am not losing her attraction, respect, or desire to get to know me.
Now, she has an interesting situation. She's dropped her iphone and the keypad doesn't work, so she can receive texts, but cannot write and send them. I like this, and I texted to tell her:
"I am going to send you sexy texts to make your temperature rise and your whole body blush. And you can't do anything about it... :P"
She didn't call and I'm getting massively tired. So I send the invite:
"Cancel your plans - grab the movie Twilight and some wine and come hang out. If you've already seen that, then you can bring a different movie."
Notice that I am not asking questions like 'Do you have plans, want to hang out?' Lame. Making statements is a decidedly masculine form of communication. This is an invitation by directive.
Then I fall asleep. I wake up 2 hours later when she calls (I had also missed another call from her). She asks what I am doing. I told her that I fell asleep and was sorry to have missed her call. She asks what I am doing tonight. I find this to be a silly question. Did you not read my text? She says she did and relays the details. "Well, that's what I'm doing tonight." I playfully tell her to get over here. Before her call, I was still on a fine-line between cancelling and going back to sleep, but her interest won me over. I was quickly up and ready. Enthusiasm is contagious. She says that horror movies give her nightmares. I tell her that I really don't think this is a horror flick, and besides I will hold her close and prevent any nightmares. She asks what kind of wine I like. It's on.
She takes an hour to come over, which was more time than I needed to clean up. Interest is sky high. If you haven't heard me say it before -- personal interest / enthusiasm is the number one standard you should be screening for in a partner. We kiss almost immediately. The sexual tension is electric.
I thank her amply for the wine and stopping to get the movie. It is a sweet gesture. I've already got my old laptop to set up to watch the movie in bed. I put the disc in and it doesn't work. I move my new laptop over and it still doesn't work. I pull the DVD out to look at it, and it's a damn Blu-Ray. Haha. We share a laugh and I'm careful not to seem critical about this. Simple mistake. Let's find a workaround. I call my friend and neighbor to see if he can bring his laptop over that plays these things. He does. We finally get it set up, and we're cuddling and playing with sexual tension. (Remember that foreplay begins on the approach.) We get like 15 minutes in and the damn computer crashes. We restart it and set it up again, and it crashes again. We decide that the universe just does not want us to see this movie.
So, instead we make love. Penetrative sex is not even critical to what I'm talking about. Before that, we spent about four hours talking about deeply connective issues, pillow fighting, tickle fighting, and lots of slow sexual exploration. It was very playful, erotic, and full of compassionate contact.
And this brings us to our lesson:
Path 1 (Committed LTR) = Building Anticipation
Path 2 (Casual STR) = Acting on Compulsion / Impulse
With Path #1, every aspect of communication is sexualized. The way you look at each other, the way you touch, and the manner in which you ask and answer questions. We're flirting, building sexual tension, and allowing each other to anticipate the culmination of our shared desire.
My maxim here is, "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."
With Path #2, the sexual tension, by necessity, is built so rapidly that the culmination of your shared desires becomes undeniable. It's about living in the moment, giving in to body sensations, and acting on impulse. Here, you don't often have time to play with building anticipation: Logistics get in the way, opportunities are fleeting, and inhibiting factors can kick in.
Path #1 is about delayed gratification and Path #2 is about instant gratification.
It's the difference between a slow-cooked meal and drive-thru fast food. It's the difference between a road trip and a direct airplane flight. It's the difference between a warm bath and a hot shower.
It is now Wednesday, and I have not heard from this girl since the night we shared (though I told her to call when she got home safely and she did). I have sent some sensual texts (about the beauty of our connection) and some working together / teaching text (since that is something else we talked about), and I have also called. My correspondences are not being returned.
I know that she is busy as a waitress and an aesthetician. We had the 'money' talk and it is clear that she is looking to relax while a man strives to 'provide' for her. From this perspective, it makes sense that showing a little interest like buying some wine or having wild sex, is just to set the hook. But she also knows that this is not in my current ability. Is she possibly a shameless golddigger and has moved on already? Haha, I doubt it. :-P
I do believe she is busy. In addition to two jobs, she is preparing to fly home for a few days over the holiday. But too busy to take one minute and return a phone call?
I am willing to walk away, but I would really like for her to stick around. Our connection is ripe with potential. And I hate that this could be just another one night stand, especially since my perspective has changed so much since I used to pursue sex as a purely physical conquest.
If she is going her own way for her own reasons, I just want to know why....