Monday, June 29, 2009

Anticipation vs Compulsion

This is a continuation of a series of article expounding upon the differences between using masculine directive in finding long-term relationships vs short term flings. If you've read any of my recent posts, then you know that I am exposing how the community teachings are detrimental to the effectiveness of your communication because they encourage you to stay in this unfortunately ambiguous gray-area. Success comes from being clear in you intent, polarizing your approach, and congruently sticking to a pre-decided path.

Early Saturday, I chatted with this an incredible girl that I met Thursday and deemed solid LTR potential. We had a lighthearted chat about pets, and the size of her apartment and bed. These things are important with someone I want to see long term. She has no roommates and lives in a studio that sounds a lot like my own. She has a full bed, which means she'll be spending more time over here than I will at her place. (Guys, the absolute best investment you can make to your pleasure pad is a king size bed.) She's a dog chick, which I think is great because we all know femi-narcissistic cat chicks are crazy. (More on this later.)

Anyway, she gives me this great frame, one that if you ever encountered in STR pursuit you would have to handle in a completely different way than LTR pursuit. (The short answer is that you encourage competition with her friends with STR, and cooperation with LTR.) She says:

"I think you might be interested in my friend, J. I can set you up with her if you like."

I thought for a second. "What gives you that impression?"

"You seemed to really be into her. I thought maybe you just started talking to me to get to her. That's fine with me."

Most guys would lose this incredible girl right here by saying something ambivalent, or by trying to be cocky and funny, or by trying to be anything. I said something to this effect:

"Are you out of your mind? I started talking to you because I want to get to know you. Is this going to be an esteem issue? If there is some reason why you don't feel worthy? I want you to tell me now. I chose you. You can accept that and we can have an amazing adventure or I can move on."

Test passed. I had to meet a client for lunch and I said, "I want to talk to you again -- today -- wait by the phone." This is a playful directive, not to be confused with a brute demand. The point is, it was none of this "call me later" BS.

So I had this ridiculously long meeting with this student that wanted to ask me a million questions. The thing is, I had already been up way over 24 hours, and this meeting was preventing me from getting some sleep. I was also thinking about going to a rave that night as well. By the time this guy left at 6pm, I had to crash. I decided I would send out an invite first.

Let me try to convey this. If someone sets plans with you and then cancels, that person does not lose attractiveness. Oftentimes, interest goes up. However, if this person will not commit to plans, it is obvious that the enthusiasm is low, and the attraction diminishes. So, I wanted to get that invite out, even though it looked like my sleep was going to take priority. I make the invite to gauge her interest and enthusiasm. And if I have to cancel, I know from experience, that I am not losing her attraction, respect, or desire to get to know me.

Now, she has an interesting situation. She's dropped her iphone and the keypad doesn't work, so she can receive texts, but cannot write and send them. I like this, and I texted to tell her:

"I am going to send you sexy texts to make your temperature rise and your whole body blush. And you can't do anything about it... :P"

She didn't call and I'm getting massively tired. So I send the invite:

"Cancel your plans - grab the movie Twilight and some wine and come hang out. If you've already seen that, then you can bring a different movie."

Notice that I am not asking questions like 'Do you have plans, want to hang out?' Lame. Making statements is a decidedly masculine form of communication. This is an invitation by directive.

Then I fall asleep. I wake up 2 hours later when she calls (I had also missed another call from her). She asks what I am doing. I told her that I fell asleep and was sorry to have missed her call. She asks what I am doing tonight. I find this to be a silly question. Did you not read my text? She says she did and relays the details. "Well, that's what I'm doing tonight." I playfully tell her to get over here. Before her call, I was still on a fine-line between cancelling and going back to sleep, but her interest won me over. I was quickly up and ready. Enthusiasm is contagious. She says that horror movies give her nightmares. I tell her that I really don't think this is a horror flick, and besides I will hold her close and prevent any nightmares. She asks what kind of wine I like. It's on.

She takes an hour to come over, which was more time than I needed to clean up. Interest is sky high. If you haven't heard me say it before -- personal interest / enthusiasm is the number one standard you should be screening for in a partner. We kiss almost immediately. The sexual tension is electric.

I thank her amply for the wine and stopping to get the movie. It is a sweet gesture. I've already got my old laptop to set up to watch the movie in bed. I put the disc in and it doesn't work. I move my new laptop over and it still doesn't work. I pull the DVD out to look at it, and it's a damn Blu-Ray. Haha. We share a laugh and I'm careful not to seem critical about this. Simple mistake. Let's find a workaround. I call my friend and neighbor to see if he can bring his laptop over that plays these things. He does. We finally get it set up, and we're cuddling and playing with sexual tension. (Remember that foreplay begins on the approach.) We get like 15 minutes in and the damn computer crashes. We restart it and set it up again, and it crashes again. We decide that the universe just does not want us to see this movie.

So, instead we make love. Penetrative sex is not even critical to what I'm talking about. Before that, we spent about four hours talking about deeply connective issues, pillow fighting, tickle fighting, and lots of slow sexual exploration. It was very playful, erotic, and full of compassionate contact.

And this brings us to our lesson:

Path 1 (Committed LTR) = Building Anticipation

Path 2 (Casual STR) = Acting on Compulsion / Impulse

With Path #1, every aspect of communication is sexualized. The way you look at each other, the way you touch, and the manner in which you ask and answer questions. We're flirting, building sexual tension, and allowing each other to anticipate the culmination of our shared desire.

My maxim here is, "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."

With Path #2, the sexual tension, by necessity, is built so rapidly that the culmination of your shared desires becomes undeniable. It's about living in the moment, giving in to body sensations, and acting on impulse. Here, you don't often have time to play with building anticipation: Logistics get in the way, opportunities are fleeting, and inhibiting factors can kick in.

Path #1 is about delayed gratification and Path #2 is about instant gratification.

It's the difference between a slow-cooked meal and drive-thru fast food. It's the difference between a road trip and a direct airplane flight. It's the difference between a warm bath and a hot shower.



It is now Wednesday, and I have not heard from this girl since the night we shared (though I told her to call when she got home safely and she did). I have sent some sensual texts (about the beauty of our connection) and some working together / teaching text (since that is something else we talked about), and I have also called. My correspondences are not being returned.

I know that she is busy as a waitress and an aesthetician. We had the 'money' talk and it is clear that she is looking to relax while a man strives to 'provide' for her. From this perspective, it makes sense that showing a little interest like buying some wine or having wild sex, is just to set the hook. But she also knows that this is not in my current ability. Is she possibly a shameless golddigger and has moved on already? Haha, I doubt it. :-P

I do believe she is busy. In addition to two jobs, she is preparing to fly home for a few days over the holiday. But too busy to take one minute and return a phone call?

I am willing to walk away, but I would really like for her to stick around. Our connection is ripe with potential. And I hate that this could be just another one night stand, especially since my perspective has changed so much since I used to pursue sex as a purely physical conquest.

If she is going her own way for her own reasons, I just want to know why....


Blogger Miss Mercedes said...

Top 5 Reasons Women Don't Return Calls After Sex

1. She has very low self-esteem. (This could be evidenced by her question to you about her friend...most confident women don't test men by showing a lack of well as by her calling you again when you fell asleep and didn't return her call the first time...a confident woman, in my mind would know if you were interested then eventually, you'd call)

She was expecting to be able to resist you when it came to sex but couldn't (because she can't stand firm when she's feeling "no") and did it anyway. Afterwards, she felt guilty and angry at herself and now just wants to pretend it didn't happen. Plus...she's probably concerned about how you'll see her now. This may be especially true if she, even one time, indicated to you she didn't want to do it. I'm not saying there was force involved (please, please don't think that's implied) but if she said no at first and then changed her mind later...this could very well be what's going on. If so, be prepared for a lot of "no" in your near future with her, be prepared to reassure her and be prepared to take things a little slower for a bit.

2. She's a gold-digger.

She told you she wants to relax and while her man takes care of the “providing”. You told her you weren't that man. She's no longer interested. She had a little fun and is now moving on to someone who wants that role.

3. Here come the games.

Women do this stuff all the time (don’t be mad…you guys play your own games…). She's testing you. She bent over backwards to get your interest (purchased wine when you were inviting HER over...rented a movie she didn't want to see...agreeing to wait by the phone because you were calling "sometime today"). It worked. Now she's playing games. She'll reach out to you after she feels you've sufficiently pursued her and she's confident she has you trapped. She wants to believe you're miserable without her and the longer she makes you wait and the more times you reach out to her with no response, the more confident she becomes. By the way, it's more about how LONG you make a man wait than how many TIMES you make him contact you. If this is it, she'll be in touch to make sure she has plans with you for the weekend.

4. She really is too busy.

I don't believe this one for a second. It's takes two minutes to call a man and tell him you're sorry you've been so quiet but you're really busy and you promise you'll call back as soon as you have time to focus on him. That being said, if this really is what’s going on, you’ll hear from her soon. Just be a little patient.

5. She was horny and she used you for a little relief
(can’t say I blame her…LOL).

If this is the case, there’s nothing wrong with it. The only thing I would suggest to her is that she give some thought to how this might make you feel. You are pretty open about the fact that one night stands are not something you are comfortable with. I would hope she would call even if it were to simply ease your mind and help you come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t looking for anything more.

None of these are attractive, (in my mind), but unless she calls you soon with a legitimate excuse (like her dog died) then she's ummm....just not that into you or just not that secure in herself. I don't know what else to say. Any woman (confident or not) who is interested in a man will find a way to reach out to him...especially if he's taken the time to reach out to her first.

July 01, 2009  
Blogger Poetry of Flesh said...

Apologies, I'm about to be mildly blunt.

Sometimes people go. They're rarely going to give you a reason. And, really, the possible reasons are endless.

Let go.

Realize that it doesn't matter if you speak with her again or not. As long as you are texting, as long as you are calling, you are expressing need, which is rarely desirable (as I'm sure you know).

She'll either be, sad to say, relieved that you've stopped bothering her, whatever her reasons, or she'll get back to you when things cool down for her.

If it's the latter, is that behavior really acceptable to you? Complete lack of commucation and respect when she happens to be busy?

The need to know the reason, to me, has the scent on it of internal issues. If you text her to ask her the reason, or push her on it, it'll drive her away even further and you'll become "that clingy, needy guy" that she one-night standed.

July 01, 2009  
Blogger Simply Shannon said...

Your maxim is “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly”…for me, “slowly” is not three days. Slowly is weeks, months. Going slowly gives me the time to learn about you and LIKE you for more than the orgasms you can give me. There’s always going to be space and time in between orgasms, so it might be nice to know that I actually LIKE you in between those spaces (and vice versa).

Of course, I couldn’t possibly speak for this woman. She has her own reasons for not calling. (Mercedes’ list is certainly the ones I would choose from.) But at the end of the day, it makes no difference whatsoever. Would I be FRIENDS (let alone LOVERS) with someone who didn’t call me back? Ummm…no.

July 02, 2009  
Anonymous Siren G said...

She was sorta turned on when you gave her directives about what to do. But then she felt kinda weird that she was giving you sex and feeling sucked into you when you hadn't really given anything. She felt like she was putty in your hands and she began to resent it. She felt like she gave up her power in the situation so now she's getting it back. She feels attracted to you but also resentful. That's how I'd feel.

July 11, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really appreciate your honesty in this post. You always seem to have the answer I'm groping for when I'm trying to understand female psychology.

July 26, 2009  

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