Friday, June 26, 2009

Accountability vs Anonymity

I never would have thought that a 2 Live Crew show would provide an opportunity to meet LTR potential!

Actually earlier in the night, I had started to complain to my friend that I didn't think that it was going to be possible for me to meet my dream girl in the downtown nightlife scene. Sometime the scene just seems so ridiculously low-value to me.

He says, "You WILL meet her here, and you will know her because she will be saying the same thing."

Aha! A bit of a premonition there, because I ended up meeting a great girl. In fact, I know she's great because she's interested in me! It always seems that fate has good taste.

But, is she 'the one?'

That will be determined soon. I just wanted to say how this LTR path seems so liberating for me. To speak of love, passion, and long term intimacy. The exact things that I used to avoid talking about at all costs (marriage, children, 'the future') are the exact things that I talked about with her. It felt so free and natural.

I used to be excited to make out with a girl within minutes of meeting her, now I'm excited to be talking about commitment within minutes of meeting her! Crazy!

I don't want to get too excited, but I feel like I can't go wrong by just stating the obvious. She has an unpretentious beauty like Hera. She can cook (so she says), eats meat, is a non smoker, has no kids already, is modest, is a great kisser, and is interested in tantric sex. And she convinced me that she doesn't go downtown every fucking week. And she's single. And I already mentioned she has no trouble conveying interest in me.

Contrast that with the One Night Stand girls you try to meet. Haha! None of the above matters. Not even the fact that she's single.

If you were to ask a guy to list the qualities he looks for in an Long Tern Relationship and the qualities he'd like in a One Night Stand, he's going to give you two very different lists. This is why I stress that the 2 paths are so inherently unique. The very context of attraction is polarized. The 'game' requires an understanding of polar opposite forces.

So here is your lesson for today:

Path 1 (Committed LTR) = social accountability
Path 2 (Casual STR) = social anonymity

Path 1 requires social accountability like getting approval from her social circle. Of equal importance, is that she has to connect with yours. The whole point of 'social proof' is to gain trust and respect as long term potential through her seeing the trust and respect you've generated with others.

Path 2 requires (if you really want to be successfully promiscuous) a high degree of social anonymity. You have to keep yourself out of her social circle and make yourself an attractive option in the NOW. By token, you don't want to give her the impression that you are inviting her into your social circle either. Anonymity - the sense that neither of you have to answer to anyone or account for anyone else's opinions - is what will permit quick arousal and escalation.

Trust and respect have a different context on Path 2. Trust comes down to assuring her physical safety. Respect comes down to being non-judgemental. Social accountability becomes a liability.

If you want to master Path 2, you have to play into themes of discretion, living in the moment, having juicy secrets, temptation, suspense, body sensations, fantasy, adventure, taking risks, being unguarded, doing what feels right, and answering only to yourself. These are not nearly as important on Path 1.

This is why I tell guys that if you really want to be successfully promiscuous you have to get used to going out alone. Maximum anonymity.

Now, consider that everything you do and say labels you as either a guy on Path 1, or a guy on Path 2.

Community guys convince themselves that they are on Path 2 and then do all kinds of unproductive LTR-related things that detract from the possibility of having no strings-attached casual sex. Why?

Because they don't know any better. The community teaches a lot of middle-of the-road bullshit in order to cast a wide net over an array of men eager to bend over backwards to please women.

Basically guys end up playing that ambiguous fence. You think that this gives you options: "Well if I can't get her tonight then I'll get her number and try to hook up next time."

There's the flaw. By trying to play both, you are effective at neither.

If she isn't down to fuck you that night, what makes you think she's going to fuck you some other time?

Well, the short answer is because she's already considering you as long-term potential. You probably have never thought about this. Even if you have, I bet you think it's great, because now you think you have options and can influence the outcome.

Once again, this is mediocre (and possibly manipulative) thinking. This is not owning your intentions, stating what you want, and living with a driving purpose. This is not seeking mastery through making conscious choices.

So, as an example, she's considering you as relationship material. You're just trying not to mess up long enough to make it to the bedroom. You fuck on the third date. I am not going to assume to know what either of you are thinking, but only point out that this single act of physical connection has different meanings for each of you. Expectations were not aligned.

This can lead to further discrepancy, ambivalence, regret, 'buyer's remorse,' and worse.

This is why even guys genuine in our intention have to deal with enormous trust issues relating to how women have been hurt (often accidentally) by men in the past.

Usually this unintentional manipulation comes from a lack of awareness, clarity, or sensitivity. As I've described, this is a result of doing things that you don't even realize are incongruous with your intention.

Pick a path. Move along that path declaring deliberate intentions. Make conscious actions that are aligned with that path.


Oh, and I texted this girl as soon as I got home. Then she calls me back. Nice. She tells me that she enjoyed our conversation and she has Saturday free.

I tell her that I haven't thought that far ahead but I fully intend to sweep her off her feet. I have a really good intuition about this one.


Blogger Miss Mercedes said...

"Pick a path. Move along that path declaring deliberate intentions. Make conscious actions that are aligned with that path."

I like this a LOT. You can tell a girl anything you want (I don't want a LTR, I'm not ready, I need my freedom, etc, etc, etc) and I do believe it's important to say these things if you mean them...but if you ACT like she's the only one and you let her believe you're not seeing anyone else and you treat her like a girlfriend...well...she's going to believe those actions over your words.

Nice Post!


June 26, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it's great that you're setting a goal and sticking to it.

At the same time I'm curious how you're preparing yourself for the inevitable changes that occur in the middle of an LTR, and how that phase relates to your model of polarity. I'm know you know all this, and I'm not telling you anything new, but I don't hear your take yet, so that's why I'm asking you.

After you decide on all the specs for your new car, you find it, and you drive off into the sunset, how do you handle the inevitable night and new morning?


June 27, 2009  
Blogger SMoKeLioN said...

Your blog is insightful and solid all through

June 27, 2009  
Blogger Benedict Smith said...

great f'ing post.
i've found that when i've been up front about my no number phone policy on nights i'm looking for a SNL, confident girls have appreciated my up front devotion to what i want. it separates you from the rest of the guys they assume/rightfully, are lying to get in their pants.

June 28, 2009  
Blogger Erika said...

Benedict, yeah, I like that honest approach. It allows a woman like me, who's never going to have a SNL regardless, to tell you that straight up so you can find someeone who would be game. And it leaves no room for misunderstandings.

GS, it seems like the shift from #2 to #1 is very profound. The stuff that worked wonders in #2 is not going to work for #1. Lots of analogies could be made, but here's one: if I'm deciding to go on vacation somewhere, my priorities are entirely different than if I'm deciding to LIVE somewhere. If I'm going on vacation, my focus is on fun, adventure, new experiences. If I'm going to live somewhere permanently, then the place needs to be meeting virtually all of my long-term needs.

June 29, 2009  
Anonymous UncleMeat said...


From what you described of her work schedule this doesn't bode well.

I have a firm rule when considering a girl for LTR. If I see her only once a week, that is not a real relationship.

Screw texting, and phone calls. Spending actual time together is what constitutes a relationship to me.

I have a bad habit of attracting women who are workaholics. There's nothing with being career driven or just paying the bills. But at the same time if you can't balance your work and personal life, then don't seek or get into a relationship.

To be honest, this opinion has cost me girls who could be relationship material. But in the long run would have been a waste of hers and my time.

I think you should cut your losses. And find a girl who knows how to do that kind of balance.

July 03, 2009  

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