Monday, September 21, 2009

Self-Esteem vs Self-Confidence

David Lieberman points out that there are three primary and four secondary factors that lead readily to the prediction of a persons thoughts, attitudes, and actions in any situation.


Self-esteem -- the degree to which a person likes himself or feels worthy
Confidence -- the degree to which a person feels competent and effective, given the situation
Interest -- the degree to which a person cares about what is at stake


Effort -- how much work is needed to achieve the objective
Justification -- an image (often inconsistent with reality) that a person hopes to perpetuate
Beliefs -- anything a person holds to be true, whether or not it is consistent with fact
Mood -- a person's current state of mind, as it relates to circumstances

Some realizations:

Self-esteem is intertwined with self-control. To control means to promote long-term gratification and invest in a delayed well-being.

To say someone has low self-esteem means only that he is given to instant pleasure, impulse, and immediate gratification. He is prone to distractions, entertainment, and seeking self-worth as a reflection of others' opinions.

I recognize that I am going out of my way to present a picture of low self-esteem without judgement to protect my own ego and also to justify statements such as:

Every guy involved in the pick-up community has low self-esteem.

Let's look closer:

Low self-esteem means your focus is on these things: in the now (the present), instant gratification, pleasure and fun, comfort, selfish satisfaction, and satiating appetites.

"We often deceive ourselves into believing what we are doing is important, so we can still pursue what is fun, yet gain a feeling of relevance. We slap meaning onto nonsense, telling ourselves and others that what we're doing has significance, when we know deep down that we're seeking to justify the continuity of our actions." --Lieberman

The community goes to great lenghts to justify the 'worthiness' of living in the moment, bodily pleasures, going for self, quick fixes, and speedy satisfaction.

Keep in mind that self-esteem and self-confidence are very, very different. Let us never confuse the two.

High self-esteem guys (motivated by delayed gratification; free from ego, overindulgence, and bodily drives) find too much dissonance with the community and never get involved!

Yet, there are many confident guys in the community.

Confidence (belief in competence and effectiveness) is really all the community can teach since it is founded on the core values of low self-esteem.

'Inner game' (as a measure of self-esteem) produces too much dissonance with the core values of the community. There is no place for high self-esteem here.

'Inner game' (as a measure of unconscious competence / confidence) is exactly what we have to work with here in the community. All 'inner game' products and discussion have to do with confidence, not esteem!

'Inner-game' (Look at the very term; self-play) has nothing to do with raising esteem.

Marketers have to be careful.

You want to create products that heighten confidence and interest, but lower self-esteem.

(Low self-esteem manifests both as being a doormat and as being arrogant.)

Similarly, self-esteem and ego are inversely related. The greater the self-esteem, the smaller the ego.

Ego is the glue bonding our self-concept to our values and behaviors. Ego seeks consistency regardless of whether it is in our best interest.

The community is here for an ego boost.

The most massive, screaming egos are the guys with the lowest self-esteem.

"No matter how much a person appears to be happy with himself, if he has a big ego, he is not -- he is miserable. The statement is not conjecture, but a law of human nature -- it is psychological math. So insidious is this law, that a person may actually think he likes himself while his behaviour betrays his real feelings." --Lieberman

Make no mistake, the community has no need for high-self esteem.

That is why 'inner game' focuses on ALL the other factors: confidence (a sense of unconscious competence), interest (investment, intentionality) mood ('state control'), effort (haha, I talk about this one a lot), beliefs ('alpha attitude'), and justifications (rationalizing low self-esteem).

Going deeper:

AFC (ideal community target) = low self-esteem, mid/low self-confidence, high self-interest.

PUA (guru/ego) = low self-esteem, high-self confidence, high self-interest.

Low self-esteem is the common denominator.

Again, the community has no use for a high self-esteem guy. And he has no use for the community.

He does not need to prove anything. His focus is on long-term. His focus is on doing what is right for others. He is not self-conscious. His focus is always on the higher moral ground. His mood/state does not affect his actions.

KJing has to do with low confidence, high interest.

"Guys seeking sex per say" has to do with high confidence, high interest.

When a person has high confidence, high interest, and (relatively) high self-esteem he is 'in the zone.'

Here's the thing. Confidence and interest are inversely related.

It is rare to have high interest and high confidence at the same time.

"Everything you want in life is outside of your comfort zone; if this weren't true, you'd already have it." -Zan

"When self-interest is assumed, a person's level of confidence becomes the dominant influential factor. Because confidence and interest are inversely related, the person's thoughts, feelings, and subsequent actions are based on how badly he wants 'it' versus his perceived chances of being successful." -Lieberman

Assuming a genuine interest, inner game/self-play boils down to confidence.

Confidence boils down to competence.

unconscious incompetence -- you're unaware that you suck
conscious incompetence -- you are aware that you suck, you find the community
conscious competence -- you're getting good, but awareness is needed all the time
unconscious competence -- you're good without paying attention or thinking about it

The fundamentals of inner game:

--Awareness is everything
--Do the drills, get the skills
--The external shapes the internal
--These truisms COME FROM hard-earned, practical advice

If you are involved in the community and can't agree that 'inner game' comes down to confidence (and confidence comes from action and gaining experience), then you might consider that:

--The perceived pain of external effort keeps you sedentary
--You cannot align with the narrow low self-esteem values of the community
--You can't justify the guilt or shame you feel toward natural human sexuality
--Your mood (the shadow of low self-esteem) continuously overrides action

In other words, your secondary factors are outweighing the primary. Of course, the community deals with these to an extent:

--Adjusting effort
--Finding better justifications
--Reframing beliefs
--Enhancing mood ('boosting state')

Again, these are secondary. First examine esteem, confidence, and interest.

To reiterate: There is no place for esteem in the community.

So it comes down to confidence and interest. Inversely related, of course.

You're really going to love this:

"...compliance or cooperation is highest when a person with low self-esteem is in a good mood, effort is low and what is at stake is relatively high. We should add that confidence is rarely a factor when there is no self-interest, as confidence is a function of interest -- inversely related." --Lieberman

Low self-esteem. Check.
Good mood. Check.
Low effort. Check.

Confidence: Is there and doubt you could have this guy if you wanted him? "Haha. No doubt."

Interest: Do you want him? "Uh... I just remembered, I have a boyfriend."

One guy in the local community says: "You need to put up some token resistance of your own to make her feel validated in her attraction to you, make her feel that she 'won' something."

Another guy in the local community says: You have to "disrespect her enough so she then wants to fuck you to re-obtain validation."

It's psychological math.

The game is played in Confidence and Interest.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great article. Although much of the community is still focused on developing confidence with women, a few have realized that high self-esteem is what matters most. Developing this takes much longer and is related to how fulfilled you are in life.

September 22, 2009  
Blogger Miss Mercedes said...

So true. Confidence vs Self-Esteem. What do women really want? Of course, it depends on the woman. A low self-esteem woman will generally look for confidence in a man. A high self-esteem woman will look for a high self-esteem man. The potential strength and "staying power" of the resulting connection depends so much on the combination.

"unconscious competence -- you're good without paying attention or thinking about it" - And in my opinion, that is when a man truly becomes sexy in every sense of the word.

September 22, 2009  
Anonymous Ethan said...

Reading your article got me thinking about self-esteem. Here's a great quote which I think sums it up.

I believe that a life of integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. I do not agree with the popular success literature that says that self-esteem is primarily a matter of mind set, of attitude—that you can psych yourself into peace of mind. Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way. ~ Stephen Covey

September 23, 2009  
Blogger SMoKeLioN said...

This is a really good dissection

September 24, 2009  
Blogger Greendales said...

Interesting article! But there is something I don't get:

I don't understand why a high self-esteem person would be free from bodily drives? I mean, don't they want to have sex like everybody else?

What are these high persons doing when the low self-esteem persons are out having fun and having sex with beautiful girls?

September 27, 2009  
Blogger Greendales said...

Interesting article! But there is something I don't understand:

Why would a high self-esteem person be free from bodily drives? Don't they want to have sex like everybody else?

I mean, what is the high self-esteem persons doing while all low self-esteem persons are out having fun and fucking each others?

September 27, 2009  
Anonymous Ethan said...

A person with high self-esteem still has bodily drives and goes out and has fun like everyone else. The difference is he doesn't allow his desires, moods or states to affect his actions.

His actions come from a set of values or principles rather than what he is feeling at a particular moment.

Someone with low self-esteem will let their feelings/moods dictate what they decide to do at a particular moment.

September 30, 2009  

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