Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lustful Sex vs Obligatory Sex

I’ve seen a few articles popping up recently like Will the Recession End Gold Digging” and “Market for Romance Goes from Bullish to Sheepish: Are Guys with Less to Spend Less of a Catch?”

Let me tell you where all this is headed and why you are far ahead in the game of life just by finding the community – and taking steps toward improving yourself – than the guy who buys into the wine-and-dine provider model.

Here's the reality. Being comfortable and sexual with women is the primary skill you need in life. Making money (for your own livelihood), is secondary. I'm usually not so hierarchical. I think skills with women and pursuing your purpose in life should be of equal importance. But when talking about the specific monetization aspect of pursuing your purpose, you have to put ability with women on top of that.

Let’s look at a quote from a guy interviewed in the article above, he says this:

"One of the first questions is: 'What do you do? You own your own company? How many people work for you? Are you working at home or do you go to an office?' They are literally sizing you up." And, he said, he doesn't blame them -- especially if the girl is beautiful. "They can afford to be picky."

This guy carries the erroneous belief that money is the only way to attract a woman. The more he buys into this, and the more he shows off (if and when he has money) the more he is going to be seen as an easy target for manipulative women. After he’s wined-and-dined, chased-and-impressed, and otherwise deferred to her, she may have sex with him. But understand something: This is obligatory sex and not lustful sex.

When a guy like that loses his job, he suddenly has an identity crisis. He’s confused, frustrated, and convinced he has no value. His identity is based on the superficial results he gets from shallow women.

So this is my first point. As the article says, the recession is forcing people toward “looking for more creative ways to attract partners.” One result is that guys are going to turn toward the internet for solutions. And the community is going to get even larger and more publicized.

You guys got in early. You’ve already developed character, confidence, and charm. You’re far ahead of the pack with introspection and self-actualization. If you’ve gone as far as developing empathy, moral disposition, and are comfortable with your own sexuality (specifically) and the female sexuality (in general), you are drastically ahead of the masses. Congratulations.

So now my second point: Obligatory sex is what you get when you entertain her and impress her. Lustful sex comes from raw, mutual attraction and arousal.

When a woman has sex out of obligation she does not respect you. If she does not respect you, she will not be sexually fulfilled. She will be frustrated. These women make poor lovers. They fake orgasms, fantasize about other men, flirt with other men, deceptively have sex with other men, and constantly “test” you for weakness. How erotic and romantic is that?

Now, the easiest way to contrast lustful sex with obligatory sex is to point out guys that wine-and-dine. “But I found the community, and I know not to do that. I don’t buy girls drinks or dinner or anything.” But also understand this:

Entertaining, amusing, impressing, babysitting, chasing, courting, wooing, deferring to her expectations, consciously displaying your higher value, and convincing her of your status OFTEN can only lead to obligatory sex and not lustful sex.

Think about it. You’re still playing the social conditioning game.

I watched a product by the masters of social (not sexual) dynamics and it said “Women have sex to cement a moment or to blow off steam.” Hmm. I get it. What they want you to take away is this: “Guys, it’s just sex – it’s not a big deal to her, so it shouldn’t be to you.” Still, I remember this bothering me and I couldn’t quite figure out why.

What about women (and men) that have sex because of lust, desire, arousal, impulse, urge, craving, longing, yearning, carnal delight, rapture, ecstasy, joy, bliss, pleasure, satisfaction, and just because it feels great?

Don’t get me wrong. You’ve got to be positive, social, and good-humored. You’ve got to make friends and have a social life. But often the social game leads to merely getting attention that may lead to “no big deal” passionless sex. She thinks you’re cool and “sexworthy” and, hell, why not cement a moment with you? You’re pleasant and funny; why not blow off some steam with you?

This is sex from a place of obligation, not compulsion. There may be attraction, but not arousal. There may be casual pleasure, but not deep satisfaction. It’s all a subtly that neither you nor she may ever realize.

El Topo puts it this way: “What women find attractive about men can vary in specific physical qualities, but men who understand women’s sexuality are more attractive than any ‘attraction switch’.”

I concur, but I think it’s really three things wrapped in one: A man who is comfortable with his own sexuality, understands a woman’s sexuality, and has no problem talking openly and candidly about sex is a very attractive man. This is the guy that deeply arouses a woman and enjoys the passionate nuances of lustful sex.

That’s my biggest point here. Simultaneously appreciating and conveying sexuality will get you further with the opposite sex than anything else, including money and superficial social skills. Guys, this is how men and women have amazing, meaningful sex. This is how men and women have relationships based on mutual pursuit, mutual desire, and mutual gratification.

It’s also this realization that’s going to save the community from negative portrayal.

Take the manipulation out of your quest for satisfaction, and take yourself out of a game based on manipulation. Cultivate empathy, respect, reciprocity, and pursue women that want mutually gratifying lustful sex.

The way I see it, the community will thrive when we hone our focus.

My role is to help people (both men and women) understand sexuality, attain lustful sex, and maintain healthy relationships (both short-lived and long-term) based on lust, honesty, and reciprocity.

Isn't that what you really want?

2 Comments:

Blogger mmapua said...

Hey man,

I just read your post on El Topo's blog, and I loved it!
It would be cool if you would elaborate more on your thoughts about being comfortable about your own sexuality, understanding a woman's sexuality, and talking openly and candidly about sex.


Peace,

MMAPUA

March 02, 2009  
Blogger bel_ans said...

OK so from what i get from your post is:
Offering value = obligatory sex.

you say that having social skills is superficial, i followed you from the start of the post in was all good and then suddenly you make this wierd equation that having fun and offering value is manipulation.
I RSEPECTFULLY DISAGREE.
Other than that i agree with the rest.

March 11, 2009  

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