Monday, June 27, 2005

FR: Baltimore: Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Good hanging with Andy, Eric K, and Tarun in Baltimore this past weekend. Some advice:

6/26. Next time you go home with a drunk cokehead that you meet in a Goth club on a Sunday night, take her obsessive profanity, red nostrils, and the fact that she is calling EVERYONE in this little black book at 230AM looking for or a hookup as a sign that trouble is in store. And after you’ve showered and you’re wearing her bathrobe lounging in her bed and you find her pilfering through your jeans, don’t even bother politely asking for the $3 back that she has taken and crumbled up attempting to conceal in her hand. You probably won’t want to mention anything about the prescription drugs in the bathroom either. Because what will happen is that she will SNAP and start punching and pushing and throwing stiletto shoes at you in a sudden burst of rage, animosity and misdirected hostility. You’ll leave quickly.

6/25. And next time you meet a stunning redhead vegetarian wearing a purple satin dress in a piano bar that claims to determine whom she likes and hates based solely on blood type and calls your bud an alien-mutant-enemy because of his blood type and that the answer to everything in life is “red,” don’t even think for a second that this is a good thing. Just ignore how strangely you seem to *match* in every way (because of the blood type, remember), and no mater how amazingly she kisses, and how she throws contact info at you because she is “afraid she will never see you again,” realize that she will still FLAKE after you’ve parted for one and a half hours (to take her friend home) and agreed to meet at the top of Federal Hill to watch the sunrise at 5:27AM (a compromise, of course). Don’t even bother calling her the next day because she will be rather cold and distant and you will indeed never see her again.

6/27. And next time you think you’ll just get off I-95 and find highway 40 in Havre de Grace in hopes of avoiding the I-95 toll over the Susquehanna River, think twice. And when you find out that the highway 40 toll is $5, and you’re thinking that, well, the I-95 toll must be cheaper since it is the main thoroughfare, don’t sweat it, because when you get back up there, you’ll kick yourself when you find out that the I-95 toll is $5 too. Don’t make comparisons to the 25 and 50 cent tolls you’ve encountered elsewhere, just pay the five bucks and anticipate many more expensive tolls up the road.


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