Tuesday, September 22, 2009

How to Pick-Up Drunk Girls*

*Just kidding!

We would never hook-up with drunk girls!

This article is really called:

"How to Meet-Up with a Young Lady after you get her Phone Number in the Nightlife Scene."

Let's begin.

So there's basically three angles to meeting people downtown in the Nightlife Scene.

I'll call them Same Night Love, Social Circle Squaredance, and Normal Guy (Deluxe*).

The way the community puts a lot of emphasis on Same Night Love is just creepy!

Imagine people that have just met that very night having sex in public restrooms, public parks, parking garages, stairwells, rooftops, under bridges, parked vehicles, moving vehicles, and of course "my place" and "your place."

Eeek! Gross!

This is what you can look forward to:

--dealing with the effects of alcohol and other distractions
--the necessity of developing some kind of "skillset" that involves isolation, escalation, calibration, dealing with cockblocks and logistics. (All this stuff that should have nothing to do with getting to know someone.)
--girls you don't really like, that don't really like you!
--really, really bad, sloppy one-time sex!

Social Circle Squaredance is a little different.

Here you're probably just going out to "have fun" and "see what happens" preferring not to actually declare things like "I want to have sex with 100s of women." You'd probably go for Same Night Love if you had the confidence and were over bad social programming. "If it happens it happens; no big deal if it doesn't" is your motto.

Your hook-ups revolve around repeated exposure and opportunity. "Going downtown" becomes your lifestyle and you end up running into the same chicks. You're kinda square, she's kinda square. You both are doing this "we keep running into each other!" little dance. The nightlife scene IS your social circle. Like attracts like. You hookup.

It's not like pulling a girl you just met. But it's not exactly like dating either. It's predicated on nightlife being your choice of lifestyle, and the powerful dynamics of exposure and opportunity.

Your hookups are arguably better "quality" than the SNL guy, but your "quantity" will be FAR less. Plus your degree of effort is WAY higher, since this is your lifestyle.

Allow me to suggest that there is another way.

Bear with me, as this might seem a little bit traditional at first glance.

Let's say you don't mind going downtown once in awhile, even if it is just to bar-hop and socialize. You certainly don't want to make it your lifestyle. When you are downtown, you probably have this nagging feeling that there are a hundred other better things you could be doing with your time. Yet, look at all this sexual/social opportunity!

Think about it this way. We all have three inner forces, often at odds with one another.

--Your body wants to do what feels good.
--Your ego wants to do what looks good.
--And your conscience wants to do what IS GOOD; what is best in the long-run, and what is best for all parties involved.

The SNL guy is about satiating bodily cravings and sexual appetites. The Social Circle guy is all about ego, image, and lifestyle.

What about you?

Suppose these are some of your ideals:

--sex is great, but there are other important aspects of life
--socializing is great, but there are other important aspects of life
--I want to minimize my effort and maximize my return on investment
--I don't mind delaying gratification if it means a bigger better deal later
--I really don't want to deal with girls that are drunk or otherwise intoxicated

You follow me?

Introducing the Normal Guy Game (Deluxe*) Strategy for Meeting-Up with a Young Lady after you get her Phone Number in the Nightlife Scene...

So, go out and chat with a woman. Concern yourself less with displaying your value and isolation, escalation, calibration, logistics and all that crap.

Concern yourself more with displaying your curiosity and getting to know her.

Get her number. "Hey, let me get your number," is a pretty good bet.

Pretty normal so far.

Now you go home and you have a number. Perhaps, you even have several numbers.

No big deal.

I say this all the time:

A phone number is a punctuation mark.

Nothing more. Sometimes it's a question mark. Sometimes it's an ellipse...

But most of the time, it's a PERIOD.

That's it. That's all you get. Game over.

My point is: If you think getting a girl's phone number is some kind of special 'result' or achievement in-and-of itself, then you are woefully missing the mark.

I also say this all the time:

Sleep is the great eraser.

This means that by morning, you are just another dude she met downtown. Often, no matter how strong the connection seemed or how distinct you think you came across, you are just another guy that she gave her number to; a guy she barely remembers by morning.

These dynamics apply to Normal Guys.

But this is Deluxe* for a reason. Because with a series of power moves you can change this dynamic and have a definitive statistical advantage in continuing the encounter.

*An advanced, practical, psychologically-based system that dramatically increases the odds of continuing the connection.

Check it out.

The first power move is:

Get Your NAME into her phone.

Don't just "get her number" but make sure she has yours too, stored with your name. First and last name is awesome.

Dial her number and give her time to store your name, or have her hand you her phone and type in your number and name.

If you are pressed for time, as you often are, I'd spend more time ensuring that she has my name in there than I would on screening, connecting or any of that other stuff. This is to increase recognition and recall when you start communicating by phone.

Once this is accomplished, you can simply say. "It was great meeting you. I have to get back to my friends. We'll be in touch." Don't worry about continuing the interaction or setting up a date or anything else, getting your number and name into her phone is the most important thing you can do on the first meet.

The second power move is this:

Send her a text THE SAME NIGHT.

Remember, sleep is the great eraser. Talk all you want, but only communications with a written record are going to survive until the morning.

The best text has something to do with callback, perception, and her.

"Jen, its rare to meet a girl downtown who is both sexy AND intelligent. I like that."

"Jen, I appreciate the fact that you're a good dancer, AND into comic books. Nice."

Something like that. Be as specific and use as much recall as you can.

Remember that confidence and interest are inversely proportional. This is statement of confidence more than a gauge of interest. Notice what I am not doing: I am not making an invitation. I am not asking a question. I am not giving her a call to action. I am not seeking a response at all.

If you DO get a response that night, even as simple as "thank you," you are well on your way.

Here is something else to keep in mind with texting. ANY response is a 'green light.' The only 'red light' is no response. If she has decided to send you a 'fuck off' signal, she will simply stop responding.

Now, at MOST, I send two texts same-night. The second is just as powerful.

"Jen, text me and let me know you made it in safely. My parents raised me to be a gentleman... ;-)"

*change 'you' to 'you two' or 'you guys' to account for her group.

*add 'and I should have walked you to your car' when it seems appropriate.

Man, this is strong. It is high confidence with a specific (low effort) call-to-action (gauge of interest). When I get a "I didn't read this until I got up. We made it in just fine. Thanks for asking" type response, I know it is all smooth sailing from there.

The third power move:

Use Texting to Strategically Strengthen the Connection

Guys have this aversion to taking numbers at night partially because of the tendencies I mentioned above (sleep is the great eraser, the number is often thought to be a dead end). It's partially because of the anxiety that remote communication, sober, in the daylight can produce. And partially because of this idea of "I got her number, but I don't think I had time to make it solid."

If SNL Guy taught you anything, is that time does not have to be a factor.

Guys learn about these great ideas like screening and qualifying, and they think they have to do these things before they get her number. Then there's this 'time-bridge' and then you just pick up where you left off. Right?

The prevailing ideas seem to be: I will take it as far as I can on first meet. I will get a number only if I have to because of 'bad' logistics. I will text/call her if I feel the number was 'solid.'

There is also this notion that texting is only for inviting her out and not for strategically strengthening the connection.

So, my idea here is a reality shift: On the first meet, take it only as far as getting her number and getting your name in her phone. Intentionally go for phone numbers. Then, make them 'solid' with confident communication.

What I am suggesting is using the medium of texting for explicit qualification and implicit framing before you make any invites. This becomes an interplay of confidence and interest (sometimes called push-pull).

"The more interested we are in something or someone, the more consumed and concerned we will be with our ability to obtain the object of our interest. Our perspective narrows, and we become hyper-focused. We observe interest through the lens of confidence, and vice-versa" -Lieberman

That's what I'm doing with texting: I am observing interest. What I want is for her to be hyper-focused and displaying interest in me. (Sober, discerning, next-day, remote interest, I might specify.)

This is big leap of understanding from the community ideas of the 'alpha male' SNL caveman and the Social Circle opportunist that prey on drunk girls.

Specific examples with follow.

I will then explain how I keep effort low and mood high.

And have a close rate higher than I ever did with SNL intent.

And having remarkable, repeat-performance-worthy sex with completely sober girls.

Stay tuned.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Self-Esteem vs Self-Confidence

David Lieberman points out that there are three primary and four secondary factors that lead readily to the prediction of a persons thoughts, attitudes, and actions in any situation.


Self-esteem -- the degree to which a person likes himself or feels worthy
Confidence -- the degree to which a person feels competent and effective, given the situation
Interest -- the degree to which a person cares about what is at stake


Effort -- how much work is needed to achieve the objective
Justification -- an image (often inconsistent with reality) that a person hopes to perpetuate
Beliefs -- anything a person holds to be true, whether or not it is consistent with fact
Mood -- a person's current state of mind, as it relates to circumstances

Some realizations:

Self-esteem is intertwined with self-control. To control means to promote long-term gratification and invest in a delayed well-being.

To say someone has low self-esteem means only that he is given to instant pleasure, impulse, and immediate gratification. He is prone to distractions, entertainment, and seeking self-worth as a reflection of others' opinions.

I recognize that I am going out of my way to present a picture of low self-esteem without judgement to protect my own ego and also to justify statements such as:

Every guy involved in the pick-up community has low self-esteem.

Let's look closer:

Low self-esteem means your focus is on these things: in the now (the present), instant gratification, pleasure and fun, comfort, selfish satisfaction, and satiating appetites.

"We often deceive ourselves into believing what we are doing is important, so we can still pursue what is fun, yet gain a feeling of relevance. We slap meaning onto nonsense, telling ourselves and others that what we're doing has significance, when we know deep down that we're seeking to justify the continuity of our actions." --Lieberman

The community goes to great lenghts to justify the 'worthiness' of living in the moment, bodily pleasures, going for self, quick fixes, and speedy satisfaction.

Keep in mind that self-esteem and self-confidence are very, very different. Let us never confuse the two.

High self-esteem guys (motivated by delayed gratification; free from ego, overindulgence, and bodily drives) find too much dissonance with the community and never get involved!

Yet, there are many confident guys in the community.

Confidence (belief in competence and effectiveness) is really all the community can teach since it is founded on the core values of low self-esteem.

'Inner game' (as a measure of self-esteem) produces too much dissonance with the core values of the community. There is no place for high self-esteem here.

'Inner game' (as a measure of unconscious competence / confidence) is exactly what we have to work with here in the community. All 'inner game' products and discussion have to do with confidence, not esteem!

'Inner-game' (Look at the very term; self-play) has nothing to do with raising esteem.

Marketers have to be careful.

You want to create products that heighten confidence and interest, but lower self-esteem.

(Low self-esteem manifests both as being a doormat and as being arrogant.)

Similarly, self-esteem and ego are inversely related. The greater the self-esteem, the smaller the ego.

Ego is the glue bonding our self-concept to our values and behaviors. Ego seeks consistency regardless of whether it is in our best interest.

The community is here for an ego boost.

The most massive, screaming egos are the guys with the lowest self-esteem.

"No matter how much a person appears to be happy with himself, if he has a big ego, he is not -- he is miserable. The statement is not conjecture, but a law of human nature -- it is psychological math. So insidious is this law, that a person may actually think he likes himself while his behaviour betrays his real feelings." --Lieberman

Make no mistake, the community has no need for high-self esteem.

That is why 'inner game' focuses on ALL the other factors: confidence (a sense of unconscious competence), interest (investment, intentionality) mood ('state control'), effort (haha, I talk about this one a lot), beliefs ('alpha attitude'), and justifications (rationalizing low self-esteem).

Going deeper:

AFC (ideal community target) = low self-esteem, mid/low self-confidence, high self-interest.

PUA (guru/ego) = low self-esteem, high-self confidence, high self-interest.

Low self-esteem is the common denominator.

Again, the community has no use for a high self-esteem guy. And he has no use for the community.

He does not need to prove anything. His focus is on long-term. His focus is on doing what is right for others. He is not self-conscious. His focus is always on the higher moral ground. His mood/state does not affect his actions.

KJing has to do with low confidence, high interest.

"Guys seeking sex per say" has to do with high confidence, high interest.

When a person has high confidence, high interest, and (relatively) high self-esteem he is 'in the zone.'

Here's the thing. Confidence and interest are inversely related.

It is rare to have high interest and high confidence at the same time.

"Everything you want in life is outside of your comfort zone; if this weren't true, you'd already have it." -Zan

"When self-interest is assumed, a person's level of confidence becomes the dominant influential factor. Because confidence and interest are inversely related, the person's thoughts, feelings, and subsequent actions are based on how badly he wants 'it' versus his perceived chances of being successful." -Lieberman

Assuming a genuine interest, inner game/self-play boils down to confidence.

Confidence boils down to competence.

unconscious incompetence -- you're unaware that you suck
conscious incompetence -- you are aware that you suck, you find the community
conscious competence -- you're getting good, but awareness is needed all the time
unconscious competence -- you're good without paying attention or thinking about it

The fundamentals of inner game:

--Awareness is everything
--Do the drills, get the skills
--The external shapes the internal
--These truisms COME FROM hard-earned, practical advice

If you are involved in the community and can't agree that 'inner game' comes down to confidence (and confidence comes from action and gaining experience), then you might consider that:

--The perceived pain of external effort keeps you sedentary
--You cannot align with the narrow low self-esteem values of the community
--You can't justify the guilt or shame you feel toward natural human sexuality
--Your mood (the shadow of low self-esteem) continuously overrides action

In other words, your secondary factors are outweighing the primary. Of course, the community deals with these to an extent:

--Adjusting effort
--Finding better justifications
--Reframing beliefs
--Enhancing mood ('boosting state')

Again, these are secondary. First examine esteem, confidence, and interest.

To reiterate: There is no place for esteem in the community.

So it comes down to confidence and interest. Inversely related, of course.

You're really going to love this:

"...compliance or cooperation is highest when a person with low self-esteem is in a good mood, effort is low and what is at stake is relatively high. We should add that confidence is rarely a factor when there is no self-interest, as confidence is a function of interest -- inversely related." --Lieberman

Low self-esteem. Check.
Good mood. Check.
Low effort. Check.

Confidence: Is there and doubt you could have this guy if you wanted him? "Haha. No doubt."

Interest: Do you want him? "Uh... I just remembered, I have a boyfriend."

One guy in the local community says: "You need to put up some token resistance of your own to make her feel validated in her attraction to you, make her feel that she 'won' something."

Another guy in the local community says: You have to "disrespect her enough so she then wants to fuck you to re-obtain validation."

It's psychological math.

The game is played in Confidence and Interest.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Fair Fight Rules

1. We will deal with only one issue at a time. This is to avoid the 'kitchen sink' effect where people throw in all their complaints, and nothing gets resolved.

2. We will not 'hit below the belt.' Attacking the other person's area of greatest personal sensitivity is counterproductive; it sets up an atmosphere of distrust.

3. We will not insult each other. This includes labelling, psychoanalysing, commanding, threatening, preaching, moralizing, or changing the subject.

4. We will not generalize. Generalizations are exaggerations of the facts, such as saying "you never..." or "you always..."

5. We will keep the discussion in the present. If a current situation resembles an old one, we will deal with the current situation without digging up the past.

6.We will not 'stock pile.' We will avoid storing little grievances and letting them build up into an inflammable pile of hurt feelings.

7. We will not 'make believe.' This includes pretending to have feelings or not expressing feelings in an attempt to keep the peace or protect the other person.

8. We will not overreact. An extreme response frightens people away; this includes threatening to move out, threatening to break up, and threatening to harm oneself.

9. We will not give each other the 'silent treatment.' This is a form of emotional violence that is very demeaning and disrespectful.