Friday, May 29, 2009

Unguard Your Sex

If your sexual essence is more masculine, then your life is mostly motivated by a desire to be free.

If your sexual essence is more feminine, then your heart mostly yearns for love.

Everyone wants to attain more freedom and love -- and when you are open deeper than time, freedom is love -- but the predominant texture of your unfolding life drama is determined by your sexual essence. More often, with greater emotion, are you driven by the need to succeed or aching with the desire for love.

If you are among the majority of people with a more masculine or a more feminine sexual essence, then you are more moved by either fights for freedom or dramas of love. Deep down, you desire a sexual partner who loves to submit to your ravishing, or one who takes you, swoons you, and ravishes you to overflowing. Someone of the same strength -- with whom you break even every time you arm wrestle -- does not particularly turn you on; your most potent sexual longing is for someone who can lovingly take you, or someone who lovingly yields to be taken. In fact, this play of loving surrender is the gist of some of your deepest sexual desires.

If you are like many people, then deep down you know what you want, but on the surface your daily life may seem conflicted and confused. You want to enjoy untamed sexual passion, but you spend the day stressing your body and denying you heart for the sake of good income. Sometimes you feel driven by the masculine need to push your limits and achieve the freedom of success -- often at the expense of your love life. At other times you feel bursting with the feminine fullness of love-light -- or depressed by its lack, unable to really focus your life and achieve your goals.

How does this confusion happen? Why does your career or your intimate life sometimes feel artificial or bereft of great passion? What has happened to your deepest sexual gifts? What is separating you from knowing your life's true passion, your deepest purpose for being alive?

One important clue to answering these question: Your sex may be encased. You may have acquired layers of superficial energy around your deep sexual essence. You may have lost touch with your heart's deepest desires -- the deepest purpose of your life -- because layers of shallow energy have encased your heart. As a child, how might you have formed these shells around your heart?

Suppose you are a girl born with a deep feminine sexual essence. The feminine is the force of life, the power of Mother Nature, the light that shines as the world. The feeling of this light is love, and every new lover shines like a radiant dawn. When you are open to your feminine energy. then you move and feel like nature. Sometimes you are alive like a sunny day, at other times like a wild monsoon. But always you are lived by love, or longing to. Because at heart you are love -- though you might close down to it -- you either shine with love's light or want to. Such is the feminine.

If you are born with a feminine sexual essence, then as a child you enjoy playing as love and light. You open as heartful flow while communing with puppies and dolls. You enjoy shining different hues of radiance while adorning your body with glittery colors, shimmering outfits, and sparkly jewelry. You want to be seen and felt as light-love because that's what your essence is.

Now, suppose you are a few years old and your little sister is born. Your parents find her prettier than you. She's the cute one and now you're the achiever. For Christmas, your little sister gets the sequined ballet tutu and you get the microscope. Although you like microscopes, you still feel crushed. She gets the bangles and ribbons and you get the encyclopedia. You like to read, but your heart still feels trampled. Even though you are smart, you want your love-light acknowledged and cherished.

Privately, your parents try to reassure you: "Your sister is pretty, but you're on your way to something great. Prettiness is only skin deep, but you're going to go somewhere in life."

"Yes," you repeat to yourself as you enviously watch your sister bouncing around and bringing joy to the home in her bangles and tutu, "I'm going somewhere." Your feminine heart, your shining light of love, is aching to be seen. So to buffer yourself from the pain of being invisible, you begin to identify with your masculine sense of direction.

The masculine seeks to be aligned with a deep sense of purpose or mission, to break free and open into success, rather than to open and flow as the radiance of deep love. Everyone enjoys both free consciousness and bright love, but your true sexual fulfilment depends on clarifying the deepest desires of your unique sexual essence.

Because you little sister is getting all the attention for being the radiant one, your heart feels crushed. Your light is unseen. You hurt inside. So to buffer your hurt you being to identify with your masculine sense of direction: "I'm going to be a scientist." It's one thing to choose a career because you love science; it's quite another to choose a direction in life as a reaction to hurt, as a shell to protect your crushed heart.

For the next several years, you build a shell of thin masculine directionality around your deep and wounded feminine essence. You become directed with a vengeance. Secretly, you are dying for others to recognize the beauty of your heart's radiance, but outwardly you despise "shallow women" who lack direction.

In high school, you are the girl "most likely to succeed." Everything about you -- the way you walk, talk, and dress -- is colored by the shell of masculine I'm-going-somewhere energy surrounding your crushed heart of deep love and radiance. Eventually, you notice that the boys aren't as attracted to you as to the radiant energy girls, the cheerleaders and pompom girls, the bouncy, sparkly girls. You want boys to want you, so your next shell begin to form.

You begin to imitate the feminine radiance of the the attractive girls. You wear the glossy lipstick they are wearing. You buy the same brand of shapely jeans. You check your butt in the mirror before going to school and learn to walk and pose like the popular girls. This isn't the natural expression of your deep feminine light, but a needy imitation of a superficial aspect of feminine display.

Now, you have a boy-shape-obsessed feminine shell surrounding a purpose-obsessed masculine shell surrounding your crushed heart of a truly and deeply radiant love-light. What kind of high school boy will you attract? Since sexual energies always attract their reciprocal, you will attract a boy with a thin masculine shell around a thin feminine shell around a wounded but truly purposed deep masculine essence.

Imagine you were such a boy. As a child, your deep masculine sexual essence is identified with direction, purpose, and seeking freedom amidst challenges. Your parents tell you to be careful not to fall off the porch -- so you meet the challenge by walking right off the edge. Your friends can jump off a six-foot-high roof -- so you try to jump off one ten feet high. Because you are identified with the masculine, you want to be acknowledged for your sense of purpose and your capacity to break through limits into freedom.

But suppose your father is prone to abusive behavior. You assert your direction, and he beats you. You want to leave dinner early to play with a friend and you father smashes you, yelling, "This is my house and you'll do what I say, or else!" Anytime you present your perspective, your vision, or your direction, you are beaten or yelled at.

Eventually, to avoid the pain of being hurt, you learn to squelch your sense of direction. You learn to become ultra-sensitive to your father's mood. You learn to flow around him in order to avoid getting smashed. In other words, you develop a feminine shell around your deep masculine essence.

Out of fear, you learn to flow. This isn't your healthy feminine openness to love. This isn't your natural feminine sensitivity to life force and energy. This is a shell of protection surrounding your deep sexual essence. You have silenced the true assertion of your deep masculine sense of purpose and have built a guarded shell of feminine caring and flow. The strength of your deep sexual essence withers. Your denied masculine heart becomes weak and hollow. You have learned to adapt to your father's sense of direction, but have lost touch with yours.

In high school, you realize that the caring flow-boys don't attract girls like the tough and self-directed go-boys. The girls seem to be attracted to the motorcycle bad boys, the football quarterback, and the confident class president. So you buy the same cigarettes the tough guys smoke and practice puffing them with tough-guy mannerisms. You learn to walk and talk like you know where you are going. You learn to fake confidence even though deep down you are terrified and lost.

So, naturally, the boy with a deep-but-wounded masculine essence covered by a feminine flow-shell covered by a masculine go-shell is attracted to the girl with the deep-but-crushed feminine essence covered by a masculine go-shell covered by a feminine flow-shell.

Reciprocals always attract, layer by layer. On the outside, he puffs his chest and she wiggles her butt. Underneath that, he carefully avoids confrontation and gives way to her direction, while she reminds herself that knowing who she is and where she is going is more important than being attractive. At heart, his sense of deep purpose remains stultified and her sense of deep love-light aches with the desire to be recognized and cherished.

If they get married, their shells form a tangled union. Their encased sexual essences remain untouched while their shells feel alternately needed and rejected. She wants him to make more money and decisions, or she gives up and hopes to make them for herself. He wants her to revel more in sexual beatitude, or he gives up and hopes to find what he wants in a mistress. She can feel his fear of confrontation and loses trust in him. He can feel her lack of trust, her body's tension and her heart's protection, so he loses desire for her. Eventually, they get divorced.

Now, rejected and alone, she builds yet another shell of protection: "I'm going to put relationships on the back burner while I build my own career. I'll never depend on a man again!" While it may be healthy for everyone to develop his or her own career, to do so based on fear and heart-protection is a clear sign of a masculine shell at work.

He, too, adds another shell to his encased essence: "I've just thrown away decades of my life trying to support a wife and family, always postponing what I really want to do. It's time to enjoy my life. I'm going to travel -- maybe to somewhere beautiful like Bali or Hawaii -- and just go with the flow. I'm going to live spontaneously. If I meet a woman I like, I may stay with her as long as it feels good, and then I'll move on to whatever comes next."

If his spontaneity were to flow from his deep heart-purpose, then it would be healthy and fresh, an expression of love alive. But in this case, his need to flow and keep moving is a strategy for avoiding depth, direction, and commitment -- it's a shell.

He becomes a sensitive, flowing, fun-loving man, indecisive and utterly lost to his life's deep purpose, as she becomes a very successful and clearly directed woman whose heart yearns behind closed doors. Of course, since their shells are reciprocal, flowy men and directed women like this are attracted and get together, only to be disappointed all over again.

No matter how many shells of protection you have, whether you are a man or a woman, if deep down you have a masculine sexual essence, then you will feel free only when you discover your heart's deepest purpose and align your life's mission and relationships with your deepest integrity.

If you have a feminine sexual essence, you will feel the love you know is possible when you surrender your body open and give and receive love, offering the unprotected radiance of your heart.

What do you most deeply desire to give? What have you always desired to give, despite your imitation roles? Confess your protection, risk letting go of your carefully built shells, and offer the life-mission or love-light you have always wanted to give, from your heart. Give your integrity, your love, your gifts, entirely. Open so wide your clarity of purpose is unstoppable, your radiance of love abounds. Live free, love fully, and die unshelled.

David Deida, Blue Truth.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Pay Attention

Who do you pay with that precious commodity called attention?

Do you get what you pay for?

Do you read blogs by people who post opinions on topics of which they have no obvious authority?

Are you a seduction enthusiast? Do you love consuming the posts and newsletters, spreading the gossip and drama, and supplying your own anonymous input?

Or are you an actualist? Do you value learning first hand? Do you spend more time actually socializing than reading and writing about it? Do you feel the tension between who you really are and who you assume yourself to be?

While you're thinking about that, read these two bits from David Deida:

"Suppose you sit at at computer all day, staring into the screen, pushing around words and numbers. Day after day, your body and mind resonate with cyberspace. You can easily begin to look like the dry domain to which you have been attending: functional, logical, insensate. Your shoulders can become hunched, your head tight, your body vacant. Feeling into a computer day after day can de-vitalize you."

"Where you put your attention defines how you look and feel. For instance, you could attend to your genital need. You could go to a party and put your attention on potential sex partners. Eventually, if all you did was place your attention on sex, you would begin to look and feel like a genital with arms and legs. And if you go to a singles bar, you may indeed see a number of walking, talking genitals."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Velocity vs Speed

Speed refers to how fast an object is moving.

Velocity is measuring speed with direction.

Don't confuse the two.

The culture of the seduction community it to drive fast, all the time. Where to? It doesn't matter, just put the pedal to the metal and wrack up those miles.

Driving around in quick little circles may make for an impressive reading on your speedometer, but ultimately you've gone nowhere.

That's how I feel. I've hit all my superficial benchmarks and I'm officially letting go. It was fun, but now it's time to find the guts to do something truly remarkable.

I've decided to retire from teaching within the seduction community until I am pridefully enjoying an enhancing and enriching relationship with a loving woman.

Furthermore, I am not going to do anything to actively pursue the attainment of said relationship.

All I know is that we will mutually recognize each other and our shared purpose when we finally come together.


Monday, May 18, 2009

The Paradox of Choice

I'm working on a landmark post about systematic selection vs intuition (unconscious intelligence). I call it "landmark" only because it is going to be far more personal than most of the stuff I publish.

But first, a tangent:

Some researches did an experiment where they showed online dating profiles to young single men and women. They all said that they would rather choose among twenty possible dates than four. But after checking out the profiles, those given more options to view found the situation far less enjoyable. Having more options made the task more stressful and also increased a feeling of having missed out on a better match.

It's called the Paradox of Choice: With more options comes more potential for conflict.

The effect has been studied a lot in consumer psychology. It turns out that shoppers are attracted to more alternatives, but the way to turn browsers into buyers is to provide less choice.

Of course, I want to relate this to "game" and our beloved community...

First, look at the amount of material out there. Overwhelming to say the least. What's more, there are conflicting points of view. You have to limit your own consumption. You have to allow yourself a beneficial degree of ignorance, so that you can go out and get the experiences for yourself. Trust that your gut feelings will always take you further than second-hand information.

Personally, I have the rule that I will only consume one sedution community related product per year. Of course, I pick ones that I already know will resonate with me. Most insights will immediately mesh with my reference experiences, the ones that don't, I will carry forward until I learn on my own.

If you really want to get comfortable trusting your social intuition, you have to give yourself a ratio of about 1 to 4. That is, for every one hour you spend consuming material and reading blogs/forums, you should be "in field" for four hours.

Ultimately, if you want to consider yourself good with women, your most influential teacher should be women. Not secular evangelists with interchangeable aliases and indistinguishable sales pages.

Back to the Paradox of Choice:

Stop bar hopping. Pick a venue and post up for the night. There are going to be less options, but it will encourage you to take your interactions further. You will learn more from conversing with 4 girls than "opening" 20 girls. Venue change only when you are with the girls.

Personally, about two and a half years ago, I made a firm decision never to go out "to meet girls." I meet women with ease while enjoying other activities. I love going to concerts because of the energy, intensity, and novelty. It's an activity I love. The opportunities to meet single women are far less than bars and clubs, but I still manage to meet the most fascinating woman at any given show.

You're probably better off if you live in a smaller city, simply because of the overwhelming opportunity that exists in a larger populace. In North America, I think Austin is ideal in size and diversity. Also remember the Proximity Effect; we tend to hook up with people that we are exposed to the most -- oftentimes this means coworkers or people that live very close by. I know some guys that only play venues that are close to their homes to maximize this effect.

Take this to heart, in "game" less almost always means more.

Less information is better.

Less choice is better.

And one more thing; less time is better.

I'm not talking about time constraints or that "magic" number of seven hours.

I'm talking about getting your intent right out there in the open, quickly. Don't waste time hesitating. Taking your time and concentrating on your every word can lead to paralyzing deliberation. Analyzing does not generate better choices. It's better to trust your intuitive judgement and make the instantaneous decision.

Love life,

PS: This could very well be my last community-focused post ever. So, I'm going to nail this point with a "Pop Quiz."

1. You are on a reality show and you have to form an uncanny connection with only ONE woman, but you get to chose, do you want to do this in a room full of 20 women or in a room of just 4 women?

2. You can go in armed with a simple list "10 seduction rules of thumb" or a 100g hard-drive full of the latest DVDs, ebooks, and interviews with gurus. Which do you pick?

3. Finally, you can chose: Do you want 7 hours to make this connection, or do you want 90 minutes?

All that matters is that ONE woman says something like: "Yeah, we really connected, we just clicked!"

Which do you pick, sucka?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Assertive Statements & Openers

So I've been in this NVC course for 5 weeks now. If there is one thing that the instructors want to hammer home it is the importance of the Assertive Statement.

You see, there are four basic ways we can communicate:

Passive -- You recognize everyone else's needs and deny you own. Because you want to please others, you do not say what you want. Of course, you don't get what you want either, and this leads to anger and resentment.

Aggressive -- You get what you want by ignoring the needs of others and "plowing" through. Your success comes at the expense of other people's feelings. You may feel superior and self-righteous at first, but later feel guilty.

Passive-Aggressive -- You get what you want in a sneaky and underhanded way. You ignore the feelings of others and behave in a way that is indirect and often irresponsible. To feel superior, you have to justify and rationalize most of your actions.

Assertive -- You act in your own best interest while respecting the rights and feelings of others. Your communication is honest, direct, and straightforward. You feel confident at the time and later. Others treat you with respect because you express yourself authentically.

Now, let's relate these communication styles to seduction.

Zan mentioned that in the "northern climes" we have strong women and weak men. The men are very passive. They hesitate and deliberate. They express an eagerness to please that denies their own desires. It is as if their whole approach is an apology for being a man.

And in the "southern climes" we have men that are too aggressive. They are very forward verbally and physically, with no finesse. They will "caveman" a woman and try to take what they want by force.

What Zan did not mention, is that the bulk of the community teachings take a passive-aggressive approach. The oppression of emotions, the need for validation, the obsession with compliance and value, the manipulative tactics, the engendering a feeling of insecurity in women, the obsession with controlling situations. I can't tell you how many of these community guys have told me that they are mad at the world, feel cheated by life, or are trying to get back at someone somehow. The common approach manages to be both clingy and hostile at the same time.

Then we have a movement where Zan and others are trying to introduce men to assertive communication. The key is not specifically "having no agenda." The key is, in fact, having an agenda, expressing it honesty, while taking her situation into account. Effectively, this means having no hidden agenda. The hidden agenda is passive-aggressive.

Assertively expressing yourself does not guarantee that you will get what you want, but it puts everything in the open such that there is no pretense or presumption. You have a desired outcome, but you remain detached from it. You are not saying a certain thing for her to like you, you are saying it because that is who you are. If she does not like it, that is fine, you are still you; honest and assertive.

Now back to that Assertive Statement.

NVC, is essentially a course in anger management and crisis aversion, so we specifically deal with the communication of negative emotions.

We learn to use a formula as a tool to easily make effective assertive statements. The assertive statement has three parts: How you feel, what the issue is, and what you want to happen. So it looks like this:

I feel... when you... what I want is...

How you feel is the "I statement" that identifies your hurt feeling.

What the issue is means you identify a specific problem -- this has to be a fact, and not an accusation.

What you want to happen is your clear, reasonable, and realistic request.

I feel... when you... what I want is...

We had to share some examples in class. I get a little frustrated when people text me, so I shared this one:

"I feel disrespected when you text me. What I want is to see personal communication by calling. If I don't pick up, then you can text me."

Try this anytime you feel angry or frustrated. Identify the hurt feeling beneath the angry feeling and then use this three part Assertive Statement.

Now, I want to relate this all back to seduction again. After Zan's presentation on Wednesday, I realized that his style of opening is a form of assertive statement. And as a teacher, I know that it is important to present structure when introducing something new. So here is a formula you can use that will allow you to assertively express your authentic self when making a cold approach...

It's a really simple and empowering way to open:

I noticed... I appreciate... What I want is...

This is exactly what Zan does at the core of his expression. In fact he often cycles different things he reacts to (I noticed), how it makes him feel (I appreciate) and his statement of intention (what I want is).

This assertive statement is commonly mistaken as a compliment, which it is not. (See my post of Appreciation vs Approval.)

If you are new to authentic assertive expression, stick with the simple 3-part formula. Don't think of it so much as filling in the blanks, but just the three things you should convey... what you noticed... why you like it... and what you would like her to do. It will allow you to make much more self-empowering approaches than anything else out there...

"I noticed your incredibly beautiful necklace! I appreciate your sense of style. What I want is to get to know someone so stylish!"

"I noticed your sexy red lipstick! It's so feminine and I appreciate that. I think you might be someone I'd like to get to know!"

"Wow, look at you in that dress! You look spectacular. I was over there and I saw you standing over here, and I just had to come say hello... Tell you what, why don't you cancel your plans and come out with me this evening? We will celebrate!"

What can you come up with?

Remember, as long as you express yourself like this with no presumption and no hidden agenda, you will be dancing in a moment ripe with possibilities.

Love life,

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Catch-22 of a Woman's Intuition

Here's another idea that Zan brought up the other night.

Realize that when a couple decides to become exclusive -- sincerely and with the best intentions -- it is only the guy who is pulled out of the "game."

Almost always, the man represents action; the woman reaction.

So, he makes the decision not to approach other women while in this relationship. He has no reason to -- he has the trust, appreciation, companionship, and intimacy of the one he wants. But, when he gets back in the scene after this relationship dissolves, he is rusty to say the least. Any guy who has had a long-term relationship -- whether three years or thirteen can relate... Oh shit, what do I do now?

Now, on the other hand, the woman who has genuinely decided not to sleep with other men is still getting approached, daily, throughout the relationship. She is constantly reminded of other options and opportunities. She is in contact with "game" virtually every day, from a very young age.

One result of this disparity is that women becomes vastly more intuitive than men when it comes to dating and connecting.

Zan mentioned a woman who told him she can read a man's entire belief system written on his face, the moment he approaches.

My thought is this:

How nice it must be to so easily distinguish the guys that are inauthentic, unexciting, or otherwise a waste of your time.

But, how sad it must be that the ones you'd really like to get to know are so damn rare.


Invite Her to Nothing

On 5-13 I went to a local community meeting to hear Zan speak. Great presentation, as expected.

One thing Zan said that caught my attention is, "Invite girls to nothing."

My interpretation:

The typical dating structure says you should invite a girl to clear, compelling dates to impress her. Like sweep her off in a balloon ride.

Then the community comes along and says, just invite her to stuff you are already doing. Be non-needy and not try-hard and all that. This could be exemplified by: "Hey I'm going to this concert, you should come along" or it could be "hey I am going to Target, you should come along."

Here you are trying to interest her in you, a step above impressing her with things and activities.

But Zan says to "invite her to nothing." Don't have a plan.

This relates to an ideal that I teach: "The approach should be a result of noticing her." Nothing more. No 3-second rule, no trying to think of what will be the best opener. Just do it, like it's a reflex.

I just wouldn't be me if I didn't come over here to acknowledge my appreciation of you.

The example he gave went something like this:

Zan: I love your yellow dress and I had to come let you know that I appreciate your style.
Girl: Thank you.
Zan: You and your friend are both very lovely, and I am only in town for a few days, and I would like to invite you both to spend time with me.
Girl: What are we going to do?
Zan: I am not sure, I haven't thought that far ahead.

Nice. This is pretty much what I was doing when I was travelling throughout 2005 and 2006. The energy I was projecting was so different then. What I would commonly do next is make up nonsensical activities.

For Austin, it would be something like... We'll go bungee jumping off of the Frost Bank tower! We'll sneak into Peter Pan's MiniGolf and take lewd pictures with the pirate! We'll go throw spitballs at the bats under the bridge! We'll go skinny dipping in Barton Springs!

I'd come up with some exaggerated activity involving landmarks and local flavor. But I hope you see where I'm headed with this. I would instill a sense of adventure and a sense that any thing's possible.

I'm not exactly sure what we'll do but you can bet it will either be an incredibly good time or an amazing experience. Either way, it will be fun. Win-win.

And then we'd go do something not quite so exaggerated. I'd take her to Mount Bonnell or we'd sneak into the FishLoft or I'd take her on the famous Photo Safari. It would be something sponateous that would really allow us to converse and connect.

Another thing I used to do so often is role play using this same vibe.... I'm new here and I need a tour guide... between the two of you, who knows more about the city?... test... okay, you're my tour guide... but now we need a job for you... can you cook?... okay, what's your best dish?... eh, I'm not sure I'd like that.... do you give good back rubs? Etc.

First, I'd say you can't underestimate a traveller's vibe and the inherent time constraint it suggests.

But then, I'd also say that there's got to be a way to maintain that excitement and joie de vivre when you live stationary.

Not having a lust for life is probably the average community guy's biggest all around sticking point. You've got to deal with this before you scrutinize little things like kino escalation and breaking rapport.

Here's why. "Inviting girls into nothing" does not mean you are pulling them into a joyless void; a trite and unexciting existence.

It means that you are simultaneously having such a good time living your own life while also being piqued by the serendipitous encounter of her, it never occurred to you to study, practice, and plan these things.

Sound like a paradox?

It is.

Love life,