Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Release Your Need to Rate Women

Release your desire to rate women. There is no point to it. Guys want to debate this all the time. The best persoective I have ever heard on the matter comes from Johnny Soporno, so I transcribed his words:

Overwhelmingly, within the community there is a desire to numerically rate women, usually on a one to ten scale. And most of this is usually about feeding your ego. Most of the time, when you look at a girl, you see one of four categories:

I wouldn’t fuck her.
I could fuck her.
I’d like to fuck her.
She wouldn’t fuck me.

Girls do this to guys too. Everyone looks at everyone else that way. Now, as you work through yourself – and you become more comfortable with yourself – you’ll realize that it is a whole lot harder for a woman to find a worthwhile guy than it is for a guy to find a hot girl.

Because there’re damn few of us left.

When you reach a certain level, you realize that it’s not that a woman is a 10 or a 7 or a 4, it’s that she’s interesting to you. When you reach a certain level in the game there is no longer a level of “she wouldn’t fuck me” as a category. Sure, there will be individual women that won’t fuck you – maybe she’s a nun, or just gotten out of a divorce, or has decided to play for the other team. For whatever reason, there are going to be some women that don’t want you. But there isn’t going to be a category of women who you’re going to know by their looks alone, “she would never settle for me.” Because you’re good enough. AND not just that, she doesn’t think that highly of herself.

So now we have three levels: I wouldn’t. I could. I’d like too.

By the time you’ve reached a point where you’re good enough with game, you know there is no such level as “too good for me,” so you also realize: “Why would I go to bed with someone I could go to bed with when there are all these women that I’d like to go to bed with?” So you realize, “I could go to bed with” is now equivalent to “I wouldn’t go to bed with.”

So, the only thing that matters is “I would like to go to bed with her.” And in this case, her numbering doesn’t matter at all. The only thing that matters at all, if you decide you like a girl's looks, or style, or politics, or philosophy is if YOU want her. It doesn’t matter if she is older than you, she’s losing her hair, or she’s heavy. Who give’s a crap.

If she turns you on enough and you like her, she’s a YES. If you don’t like her, she’s a NO. Ultimately those four categories become two: YES or NO.

If you concentrate on spending your time with girls who are YESES, you will be a very happy man. You will also discover there are many more YESES than you ever thought of if you started out saying “I have to find girls that are hot enough to turn me on, but not so hot that they won’t be into me.”

If you are caught up in the notion of how your buddies think about the looks of your girlfriend, you are an abject loser.

Friday, March 27, 2009

David Deida's 3 Stages

This is a direct quotation from David Deida:

As a woman, you man find yourself growing through three stages in relationship to the masculine force. First, you feel this force as something outside of you, something that is more powerful than you. You look to another as your savior, whether he is a husband, therapist, teacher, or close friend. You may find yourself depending on his guidance, support, and knowledge, afraid to lose it, worried that he might leave you for another woman he finds more attractive. You may find yourself playing the helpless victim to his ways, either grateful for his wisdom or tolerating his abuse – or both.

Eventually, you may grow into a second stage, where you “come into your own.” That is, you discover and cultivate your own masculine directionality and consciousness. You may start a new career or pursue higher education. You learn to make your own decisions, independent of a man or other outside influence. You refuse to be a victim – but you also miss the pleasure of opening to a man’s loving presence. You become more whole and autonomous as a person, but as a side effect of guarding yourself, you also feel less fulfilled sexually and emotionally.

The third stage begins when you know that you don’t depend on a man, that you can make your own decisions and guide your own life, and yet you are tired of keeping up your guard; you want to relax in your feminine body and emotions. You want to stop protecting your heart. You want to swoon into the bliss of utter surrender, spiritually, emotionally and sexually.

In the first stage, you seek this masculine force in a man on whom you could depend. In the second stage, you seek to depend on yourself for this masculine force. In the third stage, you don’t depend on others or yourself: You practice opening directly and being permeable to the ever-present force of divine masculine consciousness itself.

David Deida on money:

“Generally speaking, the more someone is clear in their priorities and able to stay consistently on purpose, the more money they are able to earn. This is why money is sexy: Money is a stepped-down version of free masculine consciousness, and every woman feels this. A man who is very conscious, present, full of humor, and wealthy is sexy. These qualities – consciousness, presence, humor, and wealth – reflect different levels of the attainment of masculine freedom; a person with these qualities is sexy to you if you have a feminine sexual essence.”

I may refer to these ideas in future posts.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Intuition and Manipulation

The word manipulation gets a bad rap in communication. And the word intuition gets this elevated sense of entitlement. But I’m here to tell you that in seduction, they work together. The relationship is as simple as Eye-Hand coordination.

When you read seduction advice, I believe it is useful to return to the original meanings of words.
Intuit – “to have an immediate awareness”
Manipulate – “to skillfully handle”

Intuition – “a way of noticing directly”
Manipulation – “skillful or dexterous behavior”

Intuition – from the Latin intuitio, meaning “a look” or “to look at.”
Manipulation – from the Latin manipulus, meaning “of the hands” or “to hold.”

When you take the stigma off of these words, you see that they are just two ways of using your senses to interpret the world around you. Sight and touch. Visual and kinesthetic. Sounds like Eye-Hand Coordination to me.

Eye-Hand Coordination is defined as “the control of eye movement and the processing of visual input to guide bodily movement; the ability of the vision system to coordinate the information received through the eyes to control, guide, and direct the hands in the accomplishment of a given task."

Eye-Hand coordination has been studied in activities as diverse as sporting performance, music reading, and handwriting. In coordinating seduction, I think of Intuition (immediate awareness) and Manipulation (skillful handling) as being as simple as the Eye-Hand Coordination required for handwriting.

First, let’s look at what these terms are not. Intuition is not “a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do,” it is merely getting an immediate awareness based on looking at a situation. Manipulation is not thinking “if I do this, she will do that,” it is merely handling a situation skillfully.

Now, imagine looking at a person and getting an immediate awareness of how to skillfully handle that person. You see this person and you have a perceptive insight of how to expertly lead her to an adventure you know she wants to have. You see her and your immediate cognition tells you how to dexterously maneuver the situation and “help things along.”

You see, intuition and manipulation are both forms of knowledge. And, as such, they are both learned, and they both require practice. All game is not inner game. Not by a long shot. To skillfully handle a situation takes practice. And to cultivate immediate awareness of a situation takes practice. You have to gain experience and learn how to notice directly (intuitive knowledge) and skillfully influence (manipulative knowledge).

We all have refined our intuition to some degree, and we all have trained our manipulation to some degree. It is safe to say that most women have practiced cultivating intuition more than men. And it is safe to say that most men (especially in the community) have practiced cultivating manipulation, aka skillfully handling social situations, more than women.

Furthermore, most of our learning and practice has been beyond our conscious awareness.

This does not mean men and women are very different. And it certainly doesn’t mean that there is a “battle” between the sexes. The most important thing to realize is that these learned behaviors are complementary.

To illustrate this point, I’ll tell you what I like.

I like when I meet a woman who has honed her intuition to such a degree that she’ll take one look at me and say to herself, “now here is a guy who can skillfully bring me the exact emotional sensations and physical thrills that I desire and deserve.” She immediately knows I have the experience that allows me to lead her to radical pleasure and deep satisfaction.

In turn, I might think, “now here’s a woman perceptive enough to notice a guy who can really rock her world.” I know she will appreciate my skill and not get intimidated by a man who knows what he is doing.

And the mutually satisfying and reciprocal nature of intuition and manipulation does not stop there. Consider her skillful presentation (baiting me to notice her with her attire or posture) that allowed my perception of an immediate intuition that led to approaching, connecting, touching, etc.

Intuition (immediate awareness) and manipulation (skillful handling) always play with one another to coordinate the seduction.

By the way, this is commonly called flirtation.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Vibe Your Way to Laceration

A fellow dating coach brought an article to my attention. It is the story of a woman who smashed a wine glass into a man’s face when she decided she didn’t like his flirtatious approach.

Now, if you’re already thinking “What did he say? He must’ve said something awful to deserve that.” Stop and reflect for a minute.

Does it even matter? Does anything one person can possibly say justify another person dragging broken glass down your face leaving “horrific, lifelong scars.” Apparently one gash was so deep that when the man would breath his “cheek would open up.” Horrific, indeed.

Now, this dating coach, who has also bled “infield” when a woman broke a bottle over his head, says this: “Chicks dig scars, right? That story could be worked to incredible positive advantage for many many years.”

Are you kidding me? That's your message? Man-up?!?

Then, this blogger who is a vocal proponent of “Non-Violent Communication” who is quickly becoming known as the “best PUA groupie,” says this: “Our judgments are telegraphed to other people, even if we don't speak them out loud. It in no way justifies her actions, but it wouldn't surprise me if she was reacting in part to sensing his attitude. Deeply unconscious people sometimes react violently when they sense hostility from another person. Again, this does not condone violence in any way. All I'm saying is that thoughts can be violent too, and they are not harmless just because they aren't spoken out loud.”

MOST people are deeply unconscious! Can you imagine if we all reacted this way to the ‘violent thoughts’ of others? He may have had poor presuppositions about women and he may have indeed projected some kind of hostility. It doesn’t matter. NOTHING can even begin to excuse this behavior.

I found this article and these reactions to be extremely nauseating. First because of what happened to the guy, and second because no one is pointing out the double standard.

When we see a man get punched or slapped or kicked in the nuts in a movie or TV show, we LAUGH and then we assume he must have done something to "DESERVE IT." In real life, this CAN have extreme repercussions... At least if the girl is holding a wine glass.

If she had only punched him without bodily injury, do you think she would have even been arrested? Or do you think we would have all excused her and assumed he must have said something, or projected a bad vibe, and somehow deserved it?

Do you think if the roles had been reversed and he attacked her – for whatever reason – we would have the same gut reaction? And do you think if the roles had been reversed, he would have only gotten TWO years in jail?

Violence is violence – and it is never excusable.

Months ago, I bought into the double standard. I used to coach guys along these lines: If you have never been slapped by a woman (in field or in a relationship), then you are just not pushing yourself. You are not taking enough risks. You’re not ballsy, not masculine, not finding your edge, not leaving your comfort zone, not pushing your game, blah blah blah.

What a stupid thing to encourage. Violence is an equal opportunity mistake. We’ve taken huge strides to condemn violence against women. We can’t tolerate violence against men either.

We can’t look at her and say, “Well, women are emotional and she was just expressing her feelings.” Emotions do not permit violence. We can’t look at him and say, “Dude, man up, you were totally acting like a jerk and projecting a bad attitude and deserved what you got.”

Read this:

"Most people, I believe, envision male/female violence as a boxing ring, with the man as heavyweight and woman as lightweight, and a referee standing by to point out the obvious discrepancy in their builds. But, this is not reality. When women throw punches and dishes, men are usually caught unawares and unprepared to protect themselves. Any woman can fell any man by sucker-punching or ambushing him with a fireplace poker. Just because she might be shorter or weigh less doesn’t make her assault any less egregious than if he had hit her. Even if a woman slaps a man in the face, as we always see on TV when she is in a jealous rage, she is committing a crime. Assault is assault is assault, no matter who commits it." – Marc Rudov

Here’s the thing. The double standard that says “women are delicate and innocent; men are rough and prone to violence” – even though women are equally guilty of committing violent crimes – is deeply ingrained in society. If we really want to be treated as equals – with the mutual satisfaction and reciprocal respect that women and men BOTH deserve – we have to eradicate all these double standards.

Next time you watch a movie and a man gets slapped or punched by a woman, please don’t laugh. I want you to think of Liam Sharratt and his scarred face instead.

GoneSavage (I’m a savvy savage – it’s an attitude not a behavior.)

The full article is here:


Monday, March 23, 2009

SXSW 2009 Summary

Every March, the music industry takes over Austin. There’s around 1,700 official showcasing music acts, and probably about the same amount in town doing unofficial shows. Every stage becomes a premium venue and every park, parking lot, or floor-space becomes a makeshift venue. Pizza joints, barber shops, and vintage stores even throw parties with national touring acts. Every hotel room in the city is booked by January. There are some pretty big fests that run within the SXSW chaos including the Austin Electronic Music Festival, The Red Gorilla Rock Fest, and the Mess with Texas Fest.

All in all, SXSW is the biggest music-related festival around.

I will try to briefly explain how SXSW works for music fans. There is a badge available for around $600 that gets you into every venue plus the films and interactive panels. Then there is a wristband available for around $175 that gets you into all the music events. Plus there are plenty of free unofficial day-shows that exist to get the bands and sponsors recognition. These usually require an RSVP and are favorites of locals that don’t want to buy wristbands.

Now, you’ve got to consider how SXSW a big money-making racket. It is really hard to travel from venue to venue, even with a bike. The venues are spread all over the city and bands only get 20-30 minute sets. So instead of buying a wristband and trying to bounce all over town, I advise people to just pick one showcase per night and expect an $8-$25 cover. Or just concentrate on the free shows if there are not specific bands that you are targeting. Either way, you are spending far less than $175.

Now, last year was my first SXSW and I hit it hard. I saw all my top picks, plus many more. I actually went to a lot of the official showcases and I never paid cover, instead using either my wit or my charm to gain entrance every time. The 2008 experience was pretty exhausting. I would drive downtown and park the Shaggin Wagon somewhere on the perimeter. I’d then take out my bike and start hitting the day parties around 1PM. I’d meet some cool people and check out the bands I wanted. Then around 8PM, it was time to pick my showcase. With no badge or wristband, I’d creatively find a way in.

This year, I wanted to relax a little more. Biking around for 14 hours a day allowed me to see a lot more bands last year, but man, was it straining. Plus this year, I was playing tour guide and social host with some uninitiated out-of-town guests. I wasn’t flying solo like I generally prefer. So it took some more coordination this year, as I couldn’t just spontaneously call the shots.

Overall, I am pleased to say that I saw 9/10 of my top picks. The one band that I really wanted to see and didn’t was Pendulum from the UK. They were here doing only one showcase and it conflicted big time with another I didn’t want to miss. Oh well, I’ll cross my fingers and wait for another US tour. I did catch the three official showcases that I anticipated the most, plus we drove to San Antonio to catch an intimate SXSW one-off show with my number one pick Tricky.

Monday 3-16 Flosstradamus

Caught the mashup DJ duo at Beauty Bar for a promotional party. The music portion of SXSW doesn’t start until Wednesday, but there are always a couple parties as early as Monday. Flosstradamus always brings out the scenster chicks, so it was a good time. I was hosting a workshop too, so I never made it next door for Yarah Bravo.

Tuesday 3-17 The Egg/ Kraak & Smaak

Incredible show. Fortunately, I networked with the tour manager for The Egg and got myself and a friend in, avoiding a cover of $25 apiece. UN-fortunately, however we were obligated now as photographers to stay until the 3AM end, thus missing all the St Patrick’s Day parties that were going on. Kraak & Smaak is one of my favorite live bands. They bring this raw mix of funk, electronica, soul, and rap. I had seen them once before, not long ago, on 11-11-08, also at The Parish. The headliners, The Egg, I had never seen before, but I was thoroughly impressed. They are a UK “jamtronica” band that bring the two scenes (fans of jam bands and ravers) together nicely. They are the British counterpart to some of my US favorites like Particle, Lotus, Future Rock, and Pnuma Trio.

Wednesday 3-18 Tricky/ Dredg/ Pelican

Tricky – yes the UK trip-hop Maxinquaye Tricky – was my top SXSW pick. Earlier I had discovered that he was only doing one officials SXSW showcase (most bands come here and do 3-6 both officially and unofficially). But... he was doing another Texas date... down in San Antonio at the Scout Bar. In fact, he was doing this SXSW one-off show with the prog-rock legends Dredg and the post-rock instrumental favorites Pelican. Holy shit that is a lineup! So the decision was made to go down to San Antonio with two friends to see Tricky and his band perform for an hour and a half, rather than fight the SXSW chaos for the mere chance of seeing a thirty minute performance. Best decision of the whole week – and best show of the year! (And that’s saying a lot coming from me. I go to tons of shows.)

Thursday 3-19 Brother Ali/ POS/ Eydea & Abilities/ Abstract Rude

I spent around six hours in the Emergency Room with a friend who was having an allergic reaction to his prescription medication. Dude’s totally fine, but it was a big hassle to say the least. As it was getting later and later, I wondered if we were going to be able to get into this official showcase. You see, when the badge-holders and wristband-holders show up, they are admitted with priority over paying customers. I was already tired, and I didn’t feel like hustling my way in, but this Rhymesayers showcase was such a priority that I didn’t want to miss it either. Needless to say, I got in no problem. However, the Habana Club was at capacity soon after, and I had some friends show up only to be turned away. I missed Toki Wright's set. Then, I got to catch I Self Devine, one of few artists on Rhymesayers that I hadn’t seen before. But he rocked the stage with his streetwise rhymes. Then came Abstract Rude. This was my fourth Abstract Rude show, and he kicks it smooth everytime. He had one guest song where Busdriver and Myka 9 got up with him and did a Project Blowed joint. Next up was MC Eyedea & DJ Abilities. This was my second time catching them since they did a small show at the Beauty Bar last year on 8-15-08. They played three of my favorites, “Birth of a Fish,” “Man Vs Ape,” and “Paradise.” Now, if things couldn’t get any better, POS takes the stage and even plays guitar for two songs. He debuts some new stuff plus the crowdpleasers “Half Cocked Concepts” and “De La Souls.” He also performed a song with fellow Doomtree member Dessa Darling. Okay, shit’s not over yet. The one-and-only Brother Ali takes the stage with his DJ BK One. Brother Ali hasn’t been through Austin since 5-16-07! This puts him at the top of my list, and of course he didn’t disappoint. But check this out. The showcase is still not over. Rhymesayser superproducer Jake One comes on with an MC called Freeway. I gotta admit, I had never heard of Freeway, but come to find out that he has been around, just in a different wavelength of the hip-hop spectrum. He has two albums out on Jay-Z’s Rock-A-Fella Records. Now Jake One is his producer so we can look forward to a Rhymesayers release. It’s also worth mentioning all the other underground hip-hop notables that were mingling around this show, including Dose One and Jel from Anticon, Josh Martinez, Astronautalis, plus all the cats from Strange Famous.

Friday 3-20 Kid Sister/ Asher Roth/ Lady Sovereign/ Cage

I got into Club Deville right as Cage, aka Chris Palko, was taking the stage. This guy has a deep history in the underground and I believe he was the only Def Jux artist at SXSW this year (no wait, Mr. Lif was here). He has been on my list of MCs that I’ve never seen but have wanted to see for a long time. And I finally got my chance. It was another short set of maybe five songs. They were heavy, loaded with emotion, and he had the guitarist from Hatebreed playing with him the whole time. The only regret here is that I never got to take a cameo photo with Cage. He seemed really elusive after the set. Next up was Amanda Blank. I’d never heard of her before but she’s worked with Spankrock and Santogold. Then was the Canadian rapper/ DJ duo Thunderheist. They kicked out some sexy club-rap songs. Then it was time for a real treat... UK grime rapper Lady Sovereign. She played “Public Warning,” “Love Me or Hate Me,” and just a couple others. Even though SXSW sets are short, it’s really a great chance to see a lot of top artists at once. Especially those international artists that don’t tour the US often. Okay, the next performer, I am almost embarrassed to say that I have never heard of – Asher Roth – he seems to be another one of those Web 2.0 success stories headed straight for the mainstream. But I have to say, his performance was really good – live drums and a high energy sort of suburban frat-rap. YouTube “I Love College” for proof. Finally, we had Kid Sister, a rap artist from Chicago. I can dig the sexy energy of club-rap, but I’m not really hip enough to really get into the scene. I like hip-hop that is emotive, intelligent, and clever. So while Lady Sovereign and Asher Roth really moved the crowd, fucking Cage moved my soul. That sounds cheesy, but it was a good party overall.

Saturday 3-20 Busdriver/ BOB/ The Bronx/ Japanther/ Abe Vigoda

This was a big free tangential festival at Waterloo Park called Mess with Texas. The headliners on the main stage were Black Lips and Circle Jerks, neither of which really captured my attention. We got there around 3pm, and we caught some of the indie/punk artists on the second stage including Abe Vigoda, Japanther, and The Bronx. We went to eat dinner and came back at 8pm to catch avant-hop rapper Busdriver. Everything was delayed and this group called BOB was just going on. They turned out to be okay. It was a live instrumentation rap group fronted by this guy named Bobby Ray who is signed to TI’s label. His whole band was full of energy, and they can definitely rock, though the whole set was a bit disorganized. Finally, Busdriver comes on, backed by two DJs… the usual Anti-MC, plus Nosaj Thing. This was my fourth Busdriver show and I was quite disappointed after waiting all day, only to see him perform five songs. I think all the day’s delays cost him most of his set as they were trying to make up for wasted time. It also caused me to show up late for the Strange Famous showcase way out on the east side.

Saturday 3-21 Sage Francis/ B. Dolan/ Buck 65/ Scroobius Pip/ 2Mex

By the time I got to the Scoot Inn, 2Mex had just started playing. This means that I had already missed Jared Paul, Cecil Otter, and Prolyphic. Hopefully we’ll get a tour from them soon. Anyway, 2Mex rocked the set and introduced his new band Look Daggers which features Ikey from the Mars Volta on keys. Their tracks were pretty strong. Next Scroobius Pip took the stage. He had to explain that Dan Le Sac, who does live programming and beats, could not make it to the US because he is sick. So, Scroobius Pip had to just play the instrumentals on a CD. I think it was another five song set, but we were at least treated to “The Beat that My Heart Skipped,” “Angles,” and “Thou Shalt Always Kill.” Without Dan, it wasn’t the unbelievable performance from SXSW last year, nor the intensity of their performance on 8-16-08. Next up is my personal favorite Buck 65. He opens his set doing a full cover of Devo’s “Whip It” then an amalgamation of old and new material including “Dang,” “Wicked and Weird,” and “Centaur.” Buck 65 was full of energy, eclectic dance moves, and bouncing back and forth between MCing on the mic and mixing on the turntables. When B. Dolan takes the stage, the crowd is hyped. B. Dolan assaults hard with slam poetry, intense lyricism, performance art, and spoken word. Then Sleep does an abbreviated set because his voice is shot. But he’s a dope lyricist and probably the fastest rapper around. That’s the thing with Strange Famous, the artists here are some of the most technically adept rappers and artful lyricists, as many of them come from the spoken word and slam poetry circuit. Finally, Sage Francis takes the stage and owns it. Last time he was in Austin was 6-9-07, making him another top artist late to return. He played a couple tracks from the last three albums, the classics “Makeshift Patriot,” and several new tracks which all seem to have been produced by Buck 65. Sage keeps it going for about an hour and concludes the night by doing this weird song called “Call My Cellphone” with the newest Strange Famous artist Curtis Plum.

Sunday 3-22 MC Frontalot/ MC Lars/ Terp 2 It

Most all SXSW stuff is done and people are headed out of town today. I spent a few hours with a friend at his birthday party on the roof of his condo. Great pool party, but there is one more showcase to catch. I knew the nerdcore guys had an official showcase on Friday, but I wouldn’t have known about this unofficial showcase if MC Lars hadn’t been at the Sage Francis show. So respect for that. I get the impression that a lot of the nerdcore artists and fans don’t associate much with other underground hip-hop movements, so it was nice to see him there. When I got to Spider House, Jesse Dangerously had already performed, and it was now time for Austin’s own Terp 2 It. He did a couple interesting things including an audience dance-off and “found hip-hop” where he basically read from a car user’s manual that someone had brought. MC Lars comes on with a live guitarist and drummer, and rocks now more than ever. He played mostly newer stuff, but not a lot of the ones I know except “Hot Topic is not Punk Rock” and “Mr. Raven.” I like the visuals being projected on top of the band; they are basically Google images that serve to punctuate all his lines. It works though. Then MC Frontalot comes on with his band and they play a lot of tracks off his new album, plus “Goth Girls” and “Bizarro Genius Baby.” This is actually my fourth Frontalot show, and it’s fun every time. Though, I must admit, MC Lars with his witty songs and rockin’ band, kinda stole the show this time. Sorry, Damien.

Phew! This took me a long time to write up. But I just wanted to make note of where I’ve been all week and brag about the top-notch talent that comes through for SXSW.

Now back to faking orgasm with women that can’t get me off…


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Flow Like the Ocean

You want to hear the best sexual metaphor ever?

This comes from David Deida, who wrote an amazing book called The Way of the Superior Man.

Basically he compares feminine essence – which is pure energy, pure love – to the ocean. Feminine energy just flows. It moves in many directions at once. Masculine energy – which is purpose and direction – builds dams, and bridges, and boats. Masculine energy, certain in its direction, allows the feminine to relax, surrender, and just flow.

He says that a happy woman is like the ocean. Her energy is deep, immense, and always changing. She can be calm and serene, but also capable of being wild and destructive. She’s the source of life, but also unpredictable by nature. And like the ocean, she’s always alive, expressive, and beautiful.

But what do most men do? They try to control and contain that flow of energy that is wild, passionate, and unpredictable. They want to analyze, inhibit, and judge. They want to put walls around you and turn this vast ocean into a swimming pool.

Since I know that great sex and great relationships come from deep trust, I’m assured in how I relate to a woman’s energy. My presence is so strong, so stable that I just want to let you be the ocean.

Be deep like the ocean.
Be powerful like the ocean.
Be wild like the ocean.
Unrestrained, unconfined, and uninhibited.

Trust my ability to lead you in the right direction, and I will trust you to just flow like the ocean.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Surf's Up! A Spring Break Gift for You!

Surf’s Up! – An Imagery Exercise for Sexual Attitudes

Here’s a Savage original routine for you. It’s modified from a kokology script, and one of my all time favorites. This is perfect for sexual framing during Spring Break. I ran some bootcamps (with the Poon Tang Clan) down on South Padre Island for Spring Break 2007. Man, it was insane.

Convey this with the right nonverbals and it creates instantaneous arousal. Forget your attention-generating social routines. This is real sexual dynamics.

Furthermore, Surf's Up allows you to sexually screen girls to find your funtype. Do you want to be the chooser, or just another chaser? Screening is the name of the game.

It works great in regular situations, but it is absolutely killer in a sexually charged environment like day game at the beach. If you want to do the imagery exercise yourself, then just make sure you have a clear picture in mind before you read the explanation.

So here it is, go have fun with this…

Surf’s Up!

Check it out. Have you ever tried to surf? Cool. Well, you’ll appreciate this. Imagine you’re walking along a quiet beach – no one else is around – and you come across an abandoned surfboard…

What does it look like? Where was it when you found it? Was it resting in the water or sticking straight up in the sand? How do you feel about finding it?

So you climb on it and paddle out. How’s the weather?

Alright, so you’ve managed to get to your feet and you’re riding your first wave. It feels amazing. You feel so incredible and free. But then you hit a wave hard and go under the water. How do you feel as you try to get back to the board? Do you say anything? Do you scream?

Okay, last question. You get back to the surfboard unharmed. As you look back toward the beach, you notice that someone’s been watching you. Do you know this person? Can you describe him?

Wow, these answers are fascinating. Here’s the deal. As you know, the ocean has long been associated with sexuality. Just walking on the beach – tasting the salty air, feeling the fine mist spraying from the surf, and hearing the waves rhythmically crashing against the sand – can be an instant aphrodisiac. So this image that came to you tells us a lot about your attitude toward sex.

First, in every culture, the ocean is seen as feminine, so this surfboard is purely masculine. It stands in your mind as a huge phallic symbol. So you like a lover that is... (repeat her description of the surfboard)

Whoa. Alright, now the weather reveals your general feelings about having sex with a new lover for the first time. So you said it would be...

Now, your submersion in the water symbolizes how you experience orgasm. So you told me you would (say or do)...

Finally, the person you noticed watching you is someone you have an attraction for. It may not be obvious, even to you, but there is definitely some curiosity here. So you described him as...

What you are looking for here is a girl with healthy sexual attitudes. Trust me, a girl that says “It’s a big red surfboard sticking right out of the sand; it looks like it’s seen a lot of action, but it’s been taken care of, and there is still a lot of ridding still in it” is going to present you with a completely different sexual flavor than a girl that says “It’s a beat-up yellow surfboard just floating at the edge of the water like a piece of litter.” Trust me.

Once you learn sexual screening through fun exercises like this, you’ll never see a need for that cowardly indirect stuff again. Girls get aroused around a guy who can talk about sex in a fun and casual way.

You’ve been warned.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Devotion vs Commitment

In human relationships, we talk about “having a commitment” and “being committed.”

Let’s take a look at what this really means. A commitment is an “obligation, responsibility, or promise that restricts freedom of action.” By definition, commitment places restriction born of obligation.

And you know how I always say that obligation inhibits lust.

Commitment sounds like you’ve been forced into an institution. Don’t we use the same word to mean being placed into confinement or custody -- as in a mental health facility? Think about it. Commitment is a term of binding and confinement.

A much better concept is devotion.

Devotion means “ardent, often selfless affection and dedication.” Finding someone that you want to devote yourself to is a giving, selfless matter. Devotion means giving entirely of your mind, body and soul to deep, dedicated love.

Devotion is not about restricting freedom. It is not about binding and confining someone to a course of action. Devotion is about exploring a relationship with open, honest communication full of trust and loyalty. (See also Loyalty vs Fidelity.)

Do you want a partner with whom you feel obligated to have a commitment?

Or do you want a lover with whom you can share lustful devotion?

The choice is yours.


Juan Antonio: Well, now that the day's almost over, is it reasonable of me to ask you if you'll both join me in my room?

Vicky: Oh, come on, I thought we'd settled that.

Cristina: Vicky's just trying to say that she's engaged to be married, that's all.

Juan Antonio: Great. Then these are her last days of freedom.

Vicky: No. Look, I'm not free. I'm committed. You know what my theory is? And when I drink, I get brutally frank. I think that you're still hurting from the failure of your marriage to Maria Elena, and you're trying to lose yourself in empty sex.

Juan Antonio: Empty sex? Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Magnet vs Slingshot

I did photo shoots yesterday for two girls. They were both the same age and both aspiring models. One had all the attributes of natural beauty. She had a nice form and great features. But was she attractive?

Not really.

She let her hair hang carelessly. Her clothes were plain and they hid her best features. And she carried herself like she didn’t much like herself.

Later, I met a girl who had much less to work with physically. But I have to tell you, she had a lot of sex appeal.

She dressed to impress. She carried herself with energy. The way she moved and the way she looked at me was very feminine and very sensual. She had this magnetism. I don’t know how else to describe it; I love that magnetic inner beauty.

What is it that causes two people to become attracted?

Is it a feeling from inside? Like a magnet drawing him toward you... like there is this attracting force just pulling you closer to this perfect stranger right in front of you.

Or is it a force from outside? Like a slingshot shooting you toward him... like this propelling force that just says, “I have to get closer, I have to take a chance and see what this person is all about.”

Now I don’t know which one it is, and it probably doesn’t matter. What really matters is that you make the most of this connection now that you have realized that this is someone that you really find attractive.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Beauty is a Birth Defect

Most guys in the community have accomplished some things in life. Most are self-made men. Yet, for some reason, the opinions of early adult-life women matter tremendously to them. In the pick-up community, I see the opinions of 19 year old "women" who have accomplished nada make CEOs of good corporations sweat and get nervous.

Beauty is a birth defect in many ways.

In most cases – because few have the willpower to eat right and workout consistently – a chick's physical beauty is simply an accident of birth. I give props to fat women who slim down through diet and exercise, but they are rare in the big scheme of things.

This is also why I don't compliment women based on looks. I only compliment when something else going on – style, energy, intelligence, humor.

When I was a kid, I met my friend's dad that had a gimpy arm as a birth defect. He had a hand that looked a bit like worms were all up under the skin. I didn't go around talking to him about it.

To me, a woman's natural beauty is the same way.

Sometimes, I bet women feel just as uncomfortable about it too, as my friend's dad felt when people said "Wow dude, sorry about your arm." How much different is that from "Wow, you are so beautiful." Both are reactions based on a physical aberration (extreme beauty, a disfigured limb).

While a woman's beauty may open doors at times, it can close a few at the same time. People will pre-judge her and most commonly, it can make men act weird around her. Guys do silly shit when beautiful women are involved.

A good rule of thumb for guys who might want to experience more success with women, especially those of the positive birth defect sort, is to not comment on her appearance until she's naked (and in the bedroom, not a strip club).

Rules are made so you can learn when to break them, but as a rule, it's a pretty good one.


inspired by Alex Avila

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Appreciation vs Approval

A person with an attractive personality knows how to feed our basic hungers for acceptance, approval, and appreciation… however, one should also realize the subtleties embedded in each of these gestures.

We all want to be around someone who can accept us as we are. We want someone with whom we can relax and become unguarded. Someone with whom we can “be ourselves” completely.

Accept people just as they are. There is no need to set up rigid personal standards. There is no need to insist that people do everything you do and like everything you like. Let people relax around you.

Accept a woman’s faults and shortcomings and still accord her your friendship.

To approve is slightly more positive. It’s not just accepting someone, but finding something about that person that you like. If you have a positive outlook on life, you can always find something to approve and compliment.

Approval means that you are giving praise. Which means you are in dominant position. Think of when you have to get an application approved by a gatekeeper. This also can subtly mean you may be “seeking approval” in return. The community talks about giving approval instead of seeking approval. This is still a weak frame because this is the language of dominance.

To appreciate, on the other hand, is the highest vibrational awareness. To appreciate literally means, “to raise in value.” Appreciate is the opposite of depreciate, “to lower in value.” When you appreciate someone you actually make that person more valuable.

You are giving without feeling superior or expecting a return.

You are just the guy who allows women to feel special; who allows women to feel unique.

Remember that you are never dealing with “women” in the abstract. You are always dealing with one individual girl. You never learn to pick-up or seduce “women.” You can only pick-up this woman or that woman. The world is populated with individual persons.

There’s a saying, “honey attracts more butterflies than vinegar.” This is usually interpreted to mean that you should “sweet-talk” to get what you want. A closer look, however, shows that honey attracts butterflies simply because honey is the type of food that butterflies need.

When you have honey to offer, you don’t need to coerce or convince the butterflies to come have a taste. They’ll be there.

But if all you have to offer is vinegar, well, you might have to go out every night and walk up and down Sixth Street approaching every green-eyed butterfly in sight.


Inspired by Les Giblin

9 Words to Remove from Your Vocabulary ASAP!

The words we choose present us as either owners or victims. Owners make things happen with a full recognition of decision-making power. Victims believe that things happen to them from forces outside of their control. If you want to be an owner of your reality, a high achiever, or a charismatic individual, you have to remove these nine words from your vocabulary immediately:

Need – This word tricks you into placing your attention and creativity on not having something. The universe contains all of everything. So, there is really no such thing as need. It’s a habit -- an addiction of self-pity. If you never use the word need again, you will automatically never be needy again. Suggested replacement words: Desire, choose, create, make, and attract.

Can’t – As soon as you say can’t, you create limitation. Can’t wraps any concept in a veil of unavailability. Instead use the word won’t to put the ownership of the decision back in your own hands.

Hard – Using the word hard automatically makes the situation more difficult. Hard shows that you have no appreciation for the task. Replacing hard with stimulating will positively describe the situation.

Hope – This word gives up the power of decision. When you desire something, but do not decide to get it, you merely hope for it. As long as you hope for anything, you doubt it. Decide instead. When you decide something, there is no doubt, and therefore there is no use for the word hope.

Luck – This is the quintessential expression of “my power lies outside of me.” There is no such thing as luck, only decision.

– When you call something a problem, you’re automatically operating under the premise that the solution will be difficult. Issue isn’t any better because it suggests inherent conflict. Replace the word problem with project.

Stress – Stress is fear of being disappointed by someone. If you cannot find someone to be disappointed in you, you’ll disappoint yourself. Stress is another word for guilt. Realize that you are doing as well as you can at any particular moment.

Try – This word implies effort that is full of doubt. Try means “I place my attention on doubt. I will focus effort on no decision.” Replace try with explore if you desire any credibility.

Want – When we say we want something we are declaring it to be apart from us. Want, like need, is a word of separation. Use create or attract instead.


Monday, March 09, 2009

Loyalty vs Fidelity

Fidelity refers to the strict adherence to one’s vows, and the unfailing fulfillment of one’s duties. In terms of human relationships, this usually means adhering to the promise of exclusivity, the conformity of monogamous marriage, and the absence of adultery.

(Before we continue, let’s get another word out in the clear. To commit adultery, you have to be married – being engaged or exclusively dating doesn’t count. You can’t be an adulterer or adulteress until after you are married.)

So, fidelity hinges on those words “vows” and “duties.” This implies a formality of communication. If you are concerned with fidelity in your relationships, you have to decide exactly what this means to you. Then, you have to clearly communicate this meaning to your partner. You have to be explicit with each other about expectations.

What are your vows? What are your duties? Is practicing “non-consensual non-monogamy” (better known as “cheating”) a deal-breaker for you? What about cases of polyamory or open relationships, can you still have issues of fidelity? What are your ground rules?

Fidelity has to do with the compulsory regulation of natural human sexuality. I don’t believe that love gives you a moral duty to impose romantic restrictions on others. Or yourself.

Restrictions lead to resentment. That’s why I’m not much concerned with fidelity. A much better concept is loyalty.

Loyalty means having a feeling or attitude of devoted attachment. Loyalty is about providing unconditional support and honest communication. Loyalty is of ethical interest because being devotedly attached to your family, friends, a cause, or a relationship is a virtue. It is a quality of being morally sound.

Fidelity is not a virtue. At best, it is an obligation. And remember, I am always encouraging you to go after lustful relationships, and not obligatory relationships.

I believe that if you love someone truly, you need to accept them without judgment or conditions. Instead of imposing restrictions, you accept that person’s every desire. If your partner recognizes natural urges to be intimate with others and expresses a desire to do so, you should embrace this desire and candid communication. With honesty and devotion, you can explore this together.

Fidelity says, “I’m possessive and insecure. I don’t trust your natural desires. I must restrict them to make sure that I don’t lose you or get hurt.”

Loyalty says, “I’m generous and sure of my own self-worth. I trust and embrace all your desires. I want you to be free and happy. With love and devotion, I want you to get all you desire and deserve.”

A deceptive person cheats. But only a desperate person denies her own desires.

A person devoted to a lover, yet loyal to her own desires, finds a way to get both of their needs met. It’s a challenge that requires openness and extreme honesty, but it’s worth it.


Sunday, March 08, 2009

What is a slut?

What is your definition of a slut?

1. A woman who will sleep with anyone.
2. A woman who will sleep with anyone, but you.
3. A woman with the sex drive and morality of a man.
4. Any person – woman or man – who lives a deliberately open sexual life; full of courage, freedom, adventure, and abundance.

I’m creating a test that will help people understand their sexual attitudes. We all have to take a close look at our default thoughts and patterns. Some of your attitudes may need to be reframed or replaced. Only then, can you begin to express healthy sexual attitudes and convey an attractive sexual essence.

I personally don’t use the word “slut” at all simply because of the negative connotations. But frequently I find men and women using this word. Whenever I hear it, I promptly interrupt the conversation. And I relay definition D.

A slut is any person who lives a deliberately open sexual life. She makes no apologies for her desire. She fucks whomever she wants, for reasons that only have to make sense to her. It takes courage to be a slut, but it is liberating. Sex feels good. And it is good for you.

I’ve met many men in the seduction community that have a disturbing compartmentalization of the Madonna-Whore complex. They want one woman they can take in a back alley and one woman they can take home to mom. One woman to take a money-shot on the face and one woman to take their hand in marriage.

Women are as lustful as we are. Women are as sexually frustrated as we are. We are the same.

Women are capable of being sexually liberated with wild and passionate prowess. Women are capable of being compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and emotive. Just like us. We are the same.

So drop the Madonna-Whore complex. Give up the Slut-vs-Stud double standard. And while you're at it, get rid of your guilt, victimhood, taker-behavior, and judgements about sex.

We are all here to become sexually free and find our own unique flavors of natural human sexuality.

With courage, we can all become radical, ethical sluts.


“A slut shares his sexuality the way a philanthropist shares her money -- because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, and because sharing makes the world a better place.” -- Dossie Easton

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Depth vs Fullness

With sex, the man should establish the depth of the experience.

The woman should establish the fullness of the experience.

When I make love, I intend to drive you wild with intensity. Instead of getting lost in sensation, I want to open you up to your core. I want you to surrender in openness. I don’t want to just hear a scream of stimulating pleasure, but the moan of deep ravishing. This is my depth: Intensifying your pleasure and fulfilling your deepest desires.

For me to do this, you must trust my sexual capacity. You must relax and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself to go wild with pleasure. Don’t think about whether you should be doing this or that, just allow yourself to flow into pleasure itself. Go wild with delight. This is your fullness: Expressing blissful enjoyment as you receive the power of my deep presence.

Nothing is a greater turn-on than a woman writhing in sexual ecstasy.

Show me the fullness of your feminine energy so that I may show you the depth of my masculine presence.


inspired by David Deida

Friday, March 06, 2009

Romance-Addicts' Back-Up Plan

First there was my horoscope for the week:

"Throx.com sells you socks in threes, so if you lose one you have an extra to take its place. Their ingenious marketing plan resembles the approach of some romance-addicts I know, who always date two or three people just in case they get dumped by one of them. No bouts of loneliness to worry about! Which brings us to my main advice for you this week: Have a back-up plan. Keep an alternative handy. Make sure you won't run out of the stuff you really need."

Then there is the best horoscope ever:

"One reason I've been put on this earth is to expose you to a kind of astrology that doesn't crush your free will, but instead clarifies your choices. In this horoscope, for instance, I'll crisply delineate your options so that you may decide upon a bold course of action that's most in tune with your highest values. Study the following multiple-choice query, then briskly flex your freedom of choice.

Would you rather have love:

1. knock the wind out of one of your illusions, thereby exposing the truth about what you really want;

2. not exactly kick you in the butt, but more like pinch and spank you there, inspiring you to revise your ideas about what it means to be close to someone;

3. spin you around in dizzying yet oddly pleasurable circles, shaking up your notions about how to keep intimacy both interestingly unpredictable and soothingly stable."

by Rob Brezsny, http://www.freewillastrology.com/

Thursday, March 05, 2009

A Ripe and Juicy Invitation

Erika McMiracle is awakening into natural human sexuality.

With a new reserve of courage, she’s leaving her comfort zone. She’s begun a quest for a provocative new relationship paradigm. She’s open-minded and wants to be surprised, but here are a few qualities I know she admires:

Honesty combined with creativity.
Compassion mixed with unpredictability.
Intimacy merged with intensity.
And longevity blended with liveliness.

She’s exercising her uniquely human right to consciously choose her next adventure. This very courage is essential to living abundantly. She’s a passionate pioneer exploring raw virgin territory.

I wrote up this primer on polyamory for her and anyone else wandering into the jungle of natural human sexuality:

The first step is to realize that most modern models of love and sex function on a scarcity frame of mind. There’s not enough passion to go around. We have to catch it, keep it, hoard it, put a ring on it...

Then you realize that passion is abundant, and you start to see how it can be channeled in different directions. We harness raw electricity and make it useful by channeling it through protected wires. The electric thrill of desire and excitement can be directed the same way. You have to trust yourself to become a conduit of this ecstatic electricity to find your unique path of passion.

I talk a lot about “natural human sexuality.” I believe natural human sexuality is neither monogamy nor promiscuity. The term is artfully and purposefully vague, but I think natural human sexuality is some form of polyamory – which comes in many flavors. Which flavor is right for you is part of discovering your unique path of passion.

Here are three frames I aspire to always keep in mind. I’m presenting them with very little explanation so you can allow them to uniquely inspire you on your journey...

1.My passion is bigger than any one person can hold.

2. You can’t expect to get all your needs met from one person. (That creates pressure, and pressure is the opposite of pleasure.)

3. Love does not give you a moral duty to impose romantic discipline on anyone else (or yourself). (Possessiveness is the opposite of generosity.)

Finally, addressing the Zanism “give her the gift of missing you,” I love this quotation from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. I evoke this when I know distance is going to separate me from a cherished lover "until next time..." I proudly write this across the sail of any relationSHIP that I board...

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”


Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Monogamy vs Natural Human Sexuality

Monogamy is a garden and natural human sexuality is a jungle.

Both are beautiful in their own ways.

A garden is a place of peacefulness and tranquility. A garden is meticulously planned and impeccably maintained. A garden must be organized and cultivated if it is to be enjoyed.

A jungle is a place of intrigue and deep mystery. A jungle is wild and dangerous. A jungle is appreciated expressly because of its untamed and uncultivated beauty.

Keeping a garden alive and thriving is not easy.

But venturing into the unfamiliar terrain of a jungle is risky and takes tremendous awareness and attentiveness to fruitfully explore.


Self-Pity is the World’s Greatest Addiction

If you bang you knee on a table getting out of your chair, you really feel it. Your knee fucking hurts! You don’t reject it or repress it. You just feel it.

However, you also know that you are more than just this hurt knee. In fact, you can probably still go about you activities despite the sore knee. And if you get really excited about what you’re doing, the awareness of the hurt knee will disappear altogether.

This is the healthy way to relate to pain. You acknowledge it and move on. You rise above it.

To change your life for the better, you have to do the same with emotional pain. If you adopt this same practice in regard to feelings of anger, fear, blame, antagonism, or resentment then you will free yourself from victimhood.

At first, you will resist doing this. Society has conditioned you to identify with your feelings. When an emotion comes along, you actually become that emotion. You ARE angry. It consumes you entirely. Every cell in your body is angry.

Self-pity is the world’s greatest addiction. It acts on you like a drug. It convinces you that life is unfair. It hooks you into feeling numb, lonely, and obsessed with identifying as a victim. It makes creative, mindful, and meaningful action impossible.

I’ve found that people will give you some sympathy when you pity yourself, but they certainly don’t look forward to seeing you again.

Unless, of course, they are victims to…. In that case, they listen to you impatiently, waiting to tell their own victimhood stories.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can see a way out of your depressing habits if you think back to that hurt knee. When you bang your knee, you don’t instantly identify with it. You don’t walk around saying, “I am a sore knee.” You don’t allow every cell in your body to take on that identity.

You have to adopt the same attitude with emotional pain and resentment. If you feel angry, notice it, acknowledge it, but don’t identify with it! Don’t let it get the best of you. Don’t confuse it with who you really are. Segregate the pain and then process it. Rise above it.

It is an illusion that your emotions are who you are. Get over the addiction of your self-pity. Move on.

If I hand an angry person a check for a million bucks, is he going to hand it back and say, “I can’t even think about that money right now, I am so angry at someone.”? Fuck no. He will forget that person immediately.

If you are sitting by a pool pitying yourself, and someone’s baby falls in the water, are you going to say, “I wish I wasn’t so bitter right now, so I could jump in and save that baby.” Are you going to tell the police that you witnessed the drowning and didn’t attempt to save the child because you were so consumed with resentment at the time?

No, that’s not what happens, and we both know it. You have the power to set any emotion aside if there’s an emergency or some greater good is at stake.

Instead of wasting years in self-pity and resentment, you have to take fucking action to get the things you want in life. Bring awareness to your feelings, claim ownership of them, and then replace these feelings with action. Owning your feelings is not pointing out how you feel wronged by other people, but taking action to “be the change you wish to see in others.”

When you become a man of action you will get over your addiction of self-pity.


Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Givers vs Takers

This is one in my Versus Series that you’ve probably seen touched upon by other authors. Don’t worry; I have a secret to reveal at the end. Remember, this blog is about redemption.

Givers like having fun with people. They are just full of unembarrassed enthusiasm and an innocent zest for life. They radiate optimism and insist on living fully. They offer time, advice, commodities, services, attention, compassion, communication, and much more. Givers mindfully create friendships, partnerships, and relationships.

Takers, on the other hand, have the habit of emotionally reacting to other people. They see their lives as constant struggle. The core belief of the taker is that life is unfair. The taker is a personality-obsessed victim. Paradoxically, the more they “gain” by taking, the more victimized they feel.

Most people are takers. They have a hard time giving because they were disappointed by previous attempts. The belief is that they have tried giving before and it has backfired.

But here’s the thing: What most people call giving is really a misconstrued form of trading. You see, they’re focused on what the return will be. True giving does not focus on a return. True giving is only concerned with giving. The giver gives unconditionally.

Now here’s the secret: Accomplished givers are almost always former takers. Myself included. We’ve found that giving does not bring happiness in return. We reinvent ourselves.

The happiness is already there. Happiness is contained in the very act of giving.


Getting this out of my head and in print has reminded me of several other things that I inspire through my workshops:

1) The “gifting economy" of Burning Man (as it contrasts to a barter economy or a market economy)

2) The Five Languages of Love (personal gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch)

3) “refined selfishness” (giving simply because it make you feel good; no other return is ever expected)

4) “reverse kleptomania” (secretly, covertly, almost compulsively giving people gifts without their knowledge)

5) Finally, this one question that will definitively tell you if a giver or a taker: “When you tell your story, would you rather be pitied or envied?”

Monday, March 02, 2009

Pioneers vs Settlers

Do you remember history class and studying the expansion of the American west?

Me neither.

But because experiencing life first-hand is so important to me, I decided to live on the road for about four years in order to determine where I wanted to deliberately call home. During this time, I explored over 300 sites in the National Park Service, and I learned this important lesson about history: With any expansion into new territory, first comes the pioneers and then comes the settlers.

The pioneers are the ones who blaze the trail through the wilderness. The pioneers take immense initiative and face risk and danger. The pioneers forge the way, break new ground, map the terrain, and help make the trek less dangerous.

Once the message gets back that things are safe on the frontier, then come the settlers. The settlers are important for building and sustaining a community. But they are detrimentally averse to risk. They thrive in security, not facing the challenges of the unknown.

We have pioneers and settlers in any endeavor. The pioneers of ideas embrace change, constantly try new things, open themselves to new possibility, and fundamentally challenge the way things are done.

With curiosity, courage, and commitment the pioneers always will lead the way. They challenge the prevailing norms. They innovate and improve. Pioneers don’t settle.

Do you have the courage to live your life as a pioneer, or will you be just another settler?


Inspired by Joel Barker

Sunday, March 01, 2009

The Outlaw vs The Rebel

We tend to think of the rebel and the outlaw as synonymous characters. Not so.

The rebel dares to defy the established order of things. He asks forbidden questions, expresses dissent, and challenges authority. He breaks taboos. He provokes conflict.

The rebel exists from an adversarial personality that positions him against others. The rebel does not exist outside of the prevailing social structure, but against it. For this reason, the rebel is forever captive to the system. Furthermore, the rebel is always highly visible because he needs the attention and antagonizing.

But the outlaw is a different breed altogether. The outlaw is an individual. The outlaw is a heretic. He bases judgment only on personal experience. His actions are directed from within. He seeks freedom, dignity, and autonomy. His quest is one of self-discovery and radical introspection. The outlaw re-owns his shadow and has the flexibility to embrace multiple points of view.

With courage, creativity, and charisma the outlaw moves beyond the system. The outlaw cares about others too much to accept the limitations imposed by normality. He does not judge. He does not move with or against an observation, but beyond it. The outlaw knows that a pretense of self-righteousness is a prelude to conflict. The outlaw is motivated not by antagonism, but by compassion.

The rebel thinks of himself as a warrior – motivated by competition, conquest, and control. The rebel believes that there is a battle between the sexes. He knows the opposite sex only as a stereotype.

The outlaw lays down the burden of being combatant, and he approaches women with fresh innocence and an awareness of his own vulnerabilities. He lets go of the shared conspiracy that convinces men and women that we are at battle. He reclaims women as friends; and as teachers.

He disengages from his ego and finds his true self. He begins to imagine his native, savage carnality. He deliberately chooses what he wants. If there is a single question guiding the autonomous journey of the outlaw, it is just that: What do I really desire?


Inspired by Sam Keen.

Frivolous vs Trivial

You must avoid things that are trivial, and embrace things that are frivolous.

Trivial means: Small, unimportant, insignificant, inconsequential, trifling, petty.

Frivolous means: Playful, lighthearted, merry, giddy, joyous, cheerful.

Trivial things take up your time and numb your senses. Frivolous things add meaning, dimension, and significance to your life.

The difference is simple. All things trivial are objects – your car, your clothes, your phone, your bank account. All things frivolous are actions – making new friends, dancing, kissing, making love.

If you devote your life to frivolity, you will have a much better time. To do so you must deliberately have adventures, shun boredom, cultivate curiosity, let go of conflicts, and accept risks. You must realize that life is short and you must be ready to try anything. You must be more aggressive about getting the blessings you deserve.

What are your favorite frivolities?


Inspired by Cynthia Heimel